2023: When Failing To Fulfil Expectations Became The Best Year Of My Life!

Tasting a good wine is a pleasure I knew nothing about when I was younger. When I was a bridesmaid at my friend Claire's wedding this November, I was telling her dad how the bottle he shared with me in 2010 changed how I felt about wine. For Claire's wedding, he shared Abbessee Sauvignon Blanc with me - I remember their names now! It was one of those rare moments in life where you realize - helped by company, setting and circumstance - how you have changed: I have become a wine lover - against expectation -, evident in 2022 also by my choice of vacation spots and Saturday night activities. But I have also become the person that accepts that I am a wine lover: probably fairly snobby, knee deep in privilege and too boring to opt for a rum & coke, like back when I first met Claire's dad in uni. As I sit with my virtual pen and paper here once again to reflect on my year (while drinking a Sangiovese from Toscany haha lame!), the truth is palpable: I've become many things I didn't expect.

Gay men in their 30s and 40s
are basically ideal for single ladies

You probably think I refer to my surprise that Christmas time when you are 33 years old, single, not married and without a dog is different because one imagined "33" looks different; it does for most of the people that mingle in the old streets of Aachen, my hometown. But I have heard many interpretations of what this age should represent, depending on where I lived. In Hanford, CA, where I was an exchange student in 2005, my high school BFF has a teenage son now. His 33 couldn't look more different from mine although - I believe - we are kind of the same person. In my hometown, the annual piss up before Christmas Eve this year revealed that we "lost" quite a few people to parenthood in the last year. Also fine. But look at me: I am not that 33. And while not all of this happened by choice, it's really hard to see how it could have ever been different.

I never chose this 33. I wanted, very much, to be in love at 33. The reason this didn't happen wasn't the result of my own doing but merely the actions of those I did fall in love with. They blew that - not me! It's actually quite sad I wasn't in love with anyone this year. When my last boyfriend and I put a final stop to "it", the clock had just gone announcing 2022 so it was symbolic timing. But soon I was 33 and society perceived I am running on another clock. This clock has a different plan for what 33 should look like - and that's not traveling across the globe, going to raves, drinking in hot tubs and sit on a topless guy's shoulders at an Open Air Scooter concert - yet that's what I did this year. And I regret nothing. In fact, it seems, it was the happiest year of my life. Yeah, that was unexpected... 

It's easy to accept a different kind of 33 when you 
aren't alone in the slightest... 

But unexpected isn't bad! I have no clue who came up with that. There is no reason for me to not be pleased with my life. Sure, I am lacking recognition at work, I could lose a few pounds and I live too far from the forest; these aren't problems, they're part of this weird experience of being alive. It's pretty shitty for a lot of people - but not me! I get to be a person that chooses to be happy. Cup half full kinda thing. As much as I had hoped I'd be in love now, some unexpected turns in my life, like living in Berlin and working in tech, are not things I expected to be part of this life for me. How could I have expected that; it wasn't a thing when I set my teenage dreams. Disappointment is therefore only the result of an incorrectly set expectation. 

In 2022, I had a lot of moments where I felt like I should be disappointed because life had taken turns I didn't expect - until I realized that decisions have no effect on the outcome of the story. Occasionally, I feel mad at myself because I didn't move to LA ten years ago to become a writer; could it have been harder than the last ten years? That decision was made to further security over creative happiness. I left journalism for the same reason. But at the same time, these decisions brought on circumstances that, you know, sucked. I moved to Cambridge to start a new life and career - which would have been a great shout if I hadn't fallen in love with the first guy I met there ever and allowed him to break my heart ten times. Now I can't even regret the decision because taking that tech job got me the one I have now, the life I now have. But it also got me the scar. It's a deep fucking scar. And ultimately probably also explains why my 33 looked the way it did. 

It's me, getting drunk by myself on MCC at a
wine farm in Cape Town in a bikini in February 
(I did probably get Covid there #worthit)

So overall, 2022 sometimes feels like failure. Because I did want career advancement, I wanted to fall in love, I did want to, like all years, find the place I want to stay. And in yet another year, this did not happen. But I had so much fun. So much fun! I often sat in my room, like right now, feeling so deeply fortunate and grateful for my life. The good things in my life outweigh the bad by, like, a lot. I cannot help to feel like it was the best year of my life with a lot of love for myself and high fiving me for being so awesome. Because the things I do have are not just the result of luck. I'm pretty badass. But all this is unexpected: I planned, like you all, to be a mother by now but I am loving not being one. I feel bad for saying it but I often cannot believe so many people want a different 33 than mine. Ouch! I am an arrogant bitch but it's working, I'm happy, so I guess I win... 

For 2023, I now feel confident saying, there is really just one thing I am missing: love. I have everything else I would ever want, but I haven't been in love in 2022. It feels wrong to say 2022 was the best year of my life when it was one of the only years in my life I didn't so much as like anyone. I mean, I liked my friends a lot, a 2020 Waterford Chenin Blanc and being pretty wasted at almost every Berlin event this summer had to offer (and vicinity, thanks 9-Euro-Ticket). But love is important, and I want it. Not from those guys who overthink when to text, not those who think they have commitment issues (or don't think they do but do!) or those who need company to go to movies. I don't want company, I want a partner. Get a dog, people! And I am cool with this taking so long because what I am looking for is worth the wait. And if I find this kind of love in 2023, I have everything - and 34 is a bit early to peak, no? I joke... but I don't. I'm a happy gal with very little incentive to change anything about life. But I am willing and excited to see if there is a turn in my life I will look back to that makes this good time an even better one.

Then again, looks like the world might end, so if it does, I'm going out on a high...

The Revised List Of My Favorite Songs Of All Time

Years ago, I made a list of my Top 50 songs of all times. That list reads like my teenage diary, man, it's awesome. The theme was very clearly "memories" rather than actual connection some actual artistry. In the last few years, I've added many memories. Not all of them should be remembered. But the songs that went through it with me are imortalized in a Spotify "Liked Songs" playlist I don't pay for. Time to revise this list, then. 

1. Haerts- Wings The best song in the world for me for 15 years standing. Never heard a better one. Underwhelms everyone else lol 
2. Alphaville – Forever Young Even without the nostalgia, this song s such a God damn masterpiece! 
3. Bronski Beat – Small Town Boy (Acoustic) Every time I listen, I see myself driving into Vaalserquartier, home, a place that will never not be awesome. 
4. Beach House - Space Song The ultimate Hawaii song. Imagine sitting on an island in the pacific, at night, with a million stars, listening to this. 
5. Luca Wilding - Wales I was in love once. And this song is what it felt like. 
6.  MGMT – Electric Feel This is on the list because it's a song that doesn't remind me of any other song. 
7. Lord Huron - The night we met One night at a wedding in France I couldn't sleep. The thought of someone I liked kept me up, I listened to this song 20 times until I fell asleep. "Like" is the wrong word, too. 
8. Sufjan Stevens - Mystery of Love My most listened to song 2020 by an easy mile. What a year. The memory is actually believing in love after the experience from song #5 & #7. Ouch!
9. Frank Ocean – Thinking bout you In my old list, it says this reminds me of summer 2013 which was awesome but I don't even remember summer 2013 now. Now it just reminds me of Frank Ocean and how awesome he is. 
10. Christmas Canon - Childhood memories which are probably not even about Christmas. 
11. Tame Impala - Feels Like We Only Go Backwards After I returned from the lockdown in Germany, I was cycling through London on a sunny Saturday, stopped at a pub for a pint and sat outside when this song came on. I don't think I realized then how backwards the next two years would be.
12. The Staves - In the long run - One more for heartbreaker from earlier who I in fact saw again in the long run (see #18)
13. The shins – New Slang Another one going back to puberty. Maybe it's "Garden State", but it just reminds me of my hometown. VQ forever.  
14. aHa - The sun always shines on TV My early Alexa days were a happy time. I would play this song at the office to annoy my colleague Richard who acted like I annoyed him but I don't think i really did. 
15. Lion King – Kann es wirklich Liebe sein Key change at the end gave me goosebumps at age 4.
16. Gigi d’Agostini – L’amour Toujours I want to walk down the aisle to this in my techno wedding one day... 
17. Sam Cooke - Bring it on home to me Somewhat ruined by a guy I dated who knew this was my favorite song and played it on our first date to show me "he listened". He didn't... 
18. Neil Young - Harvest Moon Like I love this song but it wouldn't make the Top 50. But I was very, very painfully in love once (have I mentioned it yet? 🙄). I was walking through Bristol one day trying to get "distance" from that shit and some busker sang this. "But I'm still in love with you" made me, you know, feel the expected. I saw the man I was in love with again a few years later in a hotel lobby and coincidentally this song came was playing. Like, it never does ever. But then it did! It's a literal anthem for my heart getting broken.
19. Keane – Try again On my 18th birthday I was driving home through the countryside at night when it started snowing and this song was on. One of the best moments of my life. The song stuck...
20. Band of Horses – The Funeral In October 2008 I have a memory of walking through Denver on a very sunny day listening to this song and feeling deeply happy. 
21. Broken Bells - Shelter I don't know how this got here but this song makes me feel and most things don't. 
22. Cigarettes After Sex - Heavenly This was playing as my plane was touching down in Hawaii in January 2020, the moment I realized I had just flown across the globe to see a man... again! 
23. Kygo - It Ain't Me My breakup hymn when I was miles away from letting go haha
24. Muse - Bliss I'm a huge Muse fan and when they played this at the 2019 Manchester show I think I lost it. 
25. Mumford and Sons – Below my Feet This song is a prayer!
26. UB 40 - Red Red Wine This is a song that reminds me of my friend Jake who I love. I went to see him in London one time and he only had this song on a CD so we put it on and listened to it all night. 
27. Paolo Nutini- Jenny don’t be hasty Who could have known that the lyrics of this song will become so relevant to me when I saw Paolo in March 2007? These days, I'm Jenny...
28. The Radio Department - Strange things will happen I was obsessed with this song from the day I heard it in a hostel in Iceland. A day later Richard told me he would be leaving the job, being my only friend there. It started off a very weird time in my life that would probably count as "trauma" these days
29. Billie Eilish - Ocean Eyes Driving through Dorset in summer 2018, it was hot, it was relaxing. I'd been through some stuff (see earlier positions ha).  
30. Regina Spektor – Samson "You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first!" Before I was second, I was first, once. 
31. Burning Hearts - Into the Wilderness I mean, I relate... 
32. David Gray – This year’s love Have you heard the lyrics to this song? Unreal!
33. The Panics – Don’t fight it My first week in Dundee I was hanging out with this guy one night after a party and we were talking for like 7 hours. Then he put this song on. I was in love (with the song but later, obviously, with him as well)
34. Braveheart – Sad Theme Perfect song set in the perfect country!
35. Paolo Nutini – Autumn Another bad memory. After my dad passed away this was my alarm clock for weeks, resulting in me having a casual cry to start the day with every day.
36. Blümchen – Herz an Herz Memories & Masterpiece
37. Mumford and Sons - Winter Winds This song came on when I was driving to my friend Tina's funeral. It fit the day like a glove.
38. Coldplay - Paradise This was my favorite song when I first started dating my ex-boyfriend. The beginning of that experience was pretty awesome, I love to think back to that.
39. Fun. - Some Nights In Summer 2013 a boy I liked came to visit me from Scotland. One day, my friends Conor and Becca also came to visit from Brussels. The day we all hung out in my hometown was one of the best days of my life. It was super sunny, warm and we were driving to a party with the windows down, shouting along to this song. Sweet, sweet memory!
40. Aqualung – Strange and Beautiful This was an early favorite when I first moved to Hanford. I didn't have a phone and it was before the internet so I couldn't very often listen to it. 
41. Coldplay – Swallowed in the Sea For some reason I'm reminded of getting a Starbucks in Laguna Beach in October 2005 which only a song brings back. 
42. REM – Let me in Another summer lover of mine left back home without "letting me in". However, I love to think back to this guy, still one of the best guys I ever met and another one I didn't marry because he was too far away
43. Lana del Rey – Bel-Air One of the few songs I get negative memories with. I was hardly ever feeling as bad as I was in December 2012 when I was in Israel. The Newtown shooting had happened a few days prior. I was sitting in the old city of Jerusalem, listening to this song, and had to start crying. 
44. Kings of Leon – Closer My only choice on here because it reminds me of a sexy incident hehe
45. Red Hot Chili Peppers – Road Trippin’ I mean this shit was my life for my twenties
46. U96 - Heaven Fuck, it's so much energy, and so good!
47. Ich & Ich – So soll es bleiben In April 2008 I was driving home from an awesome party, this song came on and I realized that everything in my life was perfect and should in fact stay like this forever. It didn't but one day I hope I'll feel this song again. 
48. Adrian Lux - Teenage Crime After I came home from Ibiza I had post-holiday blues to the max. This song was torture!
49. Incubus – Kiss to send us off
50. Labrinth -  Still Don't Know My Name I think I just love this song so much because I love him so much. Kentish Town memories.

2021: The Year Without Writing

I've become a better writer this year. I have not put a word on paper, and yet I know that I am so, so much closer to the art that I expect of myself. And surely you would know that this blog is not where I designated my life's writing to live. Maybe, sometimes, it came to die here. But over the years this has been the space where I wanted to track my progress. Not always as a writer, but as a human being. All the lessons of life and how I experience them. And this past year this space was silent because I experienced them. All of those horrible, gritty truths we have all been through. I was forced into uncompromising realism by a virus that introduced me to new concepts such as loneliness and stagnation. But good writers aren't born, they're made. 

I decided not to write anything. For the first time in my life, I listened to the voice in my head that said "you don't have to do this". Two years of a therapist telling me finally paid off, eh? I never wrote a line (I wasn't paid for) for anyone but myself and, this year, I couldn't do it for me. I needed to do nothing. I have never, and I mean it, never just sat in my feelings and watched them. This year, I had to learn to not chase the sentence, but the actual feeling. And you know, that is why I sucked at writing: you need to know who you are to write. You will otherwise write what you expect to write. This blank page right here is a mirror and I cannot expect it to reflect me if I make stupid faces all the time.

Those faces have been small, subtle lies over the years: "No, that guy didn't break my heart, I totally moved on". "Investing time into the guy I liked in High School was not a waste of time, it was a lesson." "My father was a great man deep down." "I don't know if I want to have a family." You know what's worst: I believed it myself. I was standing in front of my mirror smiling, thinking what I was putting out there was my true self. It wasn't. Anything I wrote down wasn't me. But it took me until now to know it wasn't me. Because for some reason I was unable to feel pain, and without pain those things that happened to me can't possibly be processed. 

So this year I sat down to do it. I've known for a while I was using my career as a distraction, but my career wasn't going to progress so well, there went that distraction. I was still very busy because I am a privileged, lucky son of a bitch that bought an apartment and then had to deal with the painfully happy stress of organizing a new life. Again. And in those moments between that I was sitting in an empty apartment that I owned torn between agonizing loneliness and physically painful gratitude. I wouldn't change a move of my life because I did everything I could have possibly done to get me where I am. And that's where the problem was lying: I was always doing it, always nailing it. It takes a global pandemic for me to face the demons because, trust me, I would have found a way not to because I do everything I want to, and usually successfully.

So I couldn't actually write because I wouldn't have nailed it. My feelings were actually happening off the paper for once. I am new to many of the feelings of this year, so I was new to writing about them. It makes me feel so insufficient that I cannot write a sentence about what I feel when I listen to "This Year's Love". Nobody could ever understand what this song means to me. Of course there are lyrics that are not hard to interpret, although I didn't as a child listening to this song for the first time not knowing English. But I had to be today years old to understand what this song means. Because sometimes it takes understanding life to understanding a written word. And because of that, my words couldn't have the correct meaning.

What does this mean for the future? Probably nothing. Actually learning how to be "mad" is just a really good lesson and will hopefully mean I make less mistakes, especially with men. Understanding that "sadness" isn't a bad emotion was also necessary and probably essential to being the writer I want to be. I feel more than myself than ever because, well, I don't care that I am lame. And now often lazy and introverted. I wanna be that. I bought my first ever TV in 2021 and am enjoying watching "How To Get Away With Murder" with ice cream for hours. That's never happened. I was never that person. Or maybe I was, who knows. I don't think about it anymore, I'm just doing whatever I'm doing. No reasons. Just being.