'This Is Us' Is A Show Made For People Like Me

I don't watch a whole lot of TV. I don't have Netflix or Prime (yet!) and little to no interest in TV programs other than shows that are either about politics or some crazy, fantasy crap like zombies or fat guys stranded on an island after a plane crash. In the last few years, my TV watching was limited to walking dead people and, embarrassingly (if I ever got embarrassed), bachelors and bachelorettes looking to get engaged on national TV. This TV season I picked up another show, and I just simply do not regret it one bit. 'This is us' has been such a treat I am seriously amazed. I am now left to wonder whether the show has universal appeal or just manages to capture my life somehow. The last time I thought that was when Ted Mosby took nine seasons to "meet the mother", unleashing all kinds of wise words on me. I think Jack and Rebecca from NBC's new show are about to do the same...

A show that tackles the development of racial issues in the US is a show for me, that's a given. I don't really know if the depiction is accurate because I didn't grow up in the States or the 80s, yet a show that is tackling racial issues in today's TV landscape definitely can't be a bad thing. Every time the show references racism, when Randall struggles or tries to find his identity in his white family, I wonder what all the closet racists America has so many of are thinking because I believe they might actually like 'This Is Us' as well. Obviously, the show has liberal writers, yet I am absolutely convinced non-liberals love it, too, and there is no problem with that. At the same time, I wonder how people love the show, approve its message, yet don't see anything wrong with inequality in today's society. Maybe, just maybe, the show at least makes them think about these things, and that's clearly why I love it.

If life teaches you anything it is that nothing can be expected, it just does what it wants. If you haven't learned that first hand, you simply don't know life yet. In 'This Is Us' the writers create 42 minutes of prose that captures exactly that. Within five minutes, the protagonists sometimes change their lives because that's how long it would take in real life, too. Within minutes of shock, we learn of deaths and engagements, and when these things happen time is not what matters. A death, an engagement, one single little freak out at the job can make or break our lives, and every day we make decisions that can mean anything for the rest of it. The characters in this show make these decisions every day, and I would dare say they live a pretty good life because of that: no routine, commitment to progress, no fear and, most importantly, love for each other. I can't help to think they are wonderful displays to follow in real life as well.

Of course, there are also a lot of parallels to my own life. As of this week's episode, I know the kids lose their father as teenagers which means eventually I will be watching a few very painful episodes because the same thing happened to me. I've also seen my fair share of people fall apart at the hands of cancer, so watching William dying won't be fun. I wouldn't know anything about a happy family life such as the Pearson's but I would know what it's like having a guy show up after 10 years saying he's always been thinking about "us", like Kevin did this week. I can't wait to see how that plays out on the show and if it will be anything like how that worked out for me. If so, that'd be awesome, but probably not good TV. With the show's commitment to not make the audience happy but show life the way it really is, however, I have at least a hope things will play out like they would in real life; even when it's a fairy tale and everyone would be rooting for the childhood sweethearts, sometimes saying no to the "dream partners" is the best thing one can do.

We're just half way through the first season but 'This Is Us' is already making an impact. Experience suggests that the show will fall apart after three seasons. Right now, I'm watching equal parts because I love Jack and want to marry him just like every other woman and because it's just a freaking heartwarming show, and I need some serious heat for that heart of mine that is surrounded by ice and freezing every time the TV is on otherwise (like, the news is about the worst thing to watch right now if you want to see good news, or even actual news at that). I simply enjoy shows that show a craft, and the craft I celebrate for this show is definitely writing. The writers of 'This Is Us' do well, and I hope they continue to do so. Good writing doesn't adjust to what people want to hear, see or read but what teaches us about whatever we yearn to learn about. I yearn to learn about life, and 'This Is Us' at least gives me the feeling it doesn't care if I like what's happening, but it will happen. Just like life!

Competiting with People: Good or Bad?

I always wondered how competitive I was. In team sports, I showed a lack of really wanting to win. In German, there is a saying that if you lose a game you'll be lucky in love, so I was never too upset about losing. Over the years, I always characterized myself as not competitive because I never wanted to win and never felt bad seeing other people take the glory. Until last year. I had a interviews for some jobs I really wanted and saw people get it I immediately didn't think deserved it. Whether that is true or not is impossible for me to decide, but having these thoughts showed me I really am competitive, if only in cases where it matters most. Instead of envying them, however, I decided to just do better than them. At no point I thought badly about the people who got what I believed I should have, I just decided to show those who rejected me that I can do EVEN BETTER. As of this week, I finally made it happen.

Throughout my career as a writer I always tried to refrain from comparing myself to other people which worked very well. In the end, I am a girl from Germany, from a middle class background which does not necessarily set one up to success too well, with just one parent and an emotional but fierce personality. Comparing myself to anyone fails exactly here, as I know nobody who could say the same thing. Jealousy or wanting to switch lives was never an issue for me. One person, however, served as somewhat of a beacon: my friend John who was working in the same career, just in a vastly different country, had a similar backgroung to me, at least educationally, and he was doing very well for himself. I never envied him, but it encouraged me to think "if John could do it, I can!" Of course, John's success was skill AND luck, but I believed I deserved that luck as well. I guess it was not competition but measuring myself on that standard. I didn't want to prove John or our friends or our teachers, but myself, so the luck and opportunity John had was what I requested as well. It was the real deal, or nothing for me. 

In fact, I always relied on my luck. Of course I knew it would be hard to find a job after a Masters in Politics, but I believed I'd be lucky. Over the past year, I started thinking I had been wrong. I applied to all the jobs I wanted and got through numerous rounds of recruitment, thinking I must be doing something right. But the last round always failed me. Each time, the next opportunity was already waiting and I convinced myself I will be better off. I still tried to interpret the rejection as "luck". When the biggest publications in Germany refused me, and my friends told me "their loss for rejecting you", it wasn't a consolation, it was fire under my freaking butt. I wanted them to regret it. I wanted to do better than their ridiculous traineeships (note: terminology changed to accomodate my "fire"). The truth is I wanted to do their ridiculous traineeships but when they rejeced me, I knew I needed to top it. It's the same principle as breaking up with someone, then looking stunning the next time you see them. You want it to burn. Weird behavior, yes, but I can't say I'm not guilty of it. In both cases, this revenge thinking is stupid because, it's always easier to see in retrospect, it wouldn't have worked out. I was indeed meant for other things... 

Sooo, I guess I am competitive as I wouldn't call this normal behavior. I seldom needed to be the best in my life, but that's easy enough to say because I never sucked. To be among the best, I had to admit, is super important to me. I can accept someone being better, more experienced, prettier, or even richer than me, but I found out this year I have this scale in my head that I need to be balanced at all times. As soon as I heard a girl with half the education I had was outearning me by a lot, I started feeling bad about my money. That is competitve (and detrimental to happiness), although I refrained from taking any action. It's just a moral compass in my head that tells me what I believe I deserve, and as long as I get less than what my head tells me I deserve it doesn't make me happy. As a result, every time something didn't work out I was convinced in the end I would do much, much better than I could have in that scenario. "It will all be for the better", turns out, is probably the wisest thing to say ever...

Which brings me to present day. I have in fact done pretty well this week. I signed a contract with one of the biggest companies in the world, not Germany, that every single person on this planet knows and will be delivering news to a number so large I can't even imagine it and in a way more futuristic than any of that social media malarky. Best of all, however, is the fact that this position, unlike any of the ones I wanted so bad this year, seems to appreciate me. How do I know? After hundreds of applications in the past few years, I took the job that approached me on LinkedIn in a time I wasn't even looking. Just like John back in the day, I had just taken a new job when I was approached. I was happy with what I have, the opportunity I was in the process of taking was great and I felt bad to be leaving it, but thinking back to John I knew that "you only get on shot, do not miss your chance to blow 'cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime" and there was no way I wouldn't take it. The day had arrived I'd stand on my moral scale and blow it up!

This opportunity isn't better than the others I wanted (actually it is maybe a little better but irrelevant to the point) but it just suits me better than all the others. When I was first made aware of that position I didn't even know where I'd be based, and now it turns out they're sending me back to where I wanted to be all along. Not only do I like the UK a lot more, I have more friends in London than I have anywhere else on the planet. And those hired in my place during the summer are happy with what they're doing, too, so everyone won! That day where I get the silver lining of the last few months of rejection is here and I never even intended for this outcome to happen. Getting what we want just sometimes isn't the best thing you CAN have. There is no point to this competition. The only thing it's good for is to make yourself the best you can be. "Competing" with John or the people hired in my place has been very healthy for me and made sure I don't settle before I got what's best for me. Right now, it looks like the patience paid off, and I could be wrong, but then I'll just start wanting to prove myself again and wait for another lucky turn. 

My Highlights 2k16: Less Egypt, More Awesome!

I am a classic oversharer, and I repeat myself a lot. Today's a good day, so why wouldn't I? In fact, I even wrote this last week when everything was different, but in order to write about that I need to breathe a bit first. So for now, I'll keep indulging in memories: good memories, bad memories, there is only so and so much I should really be saying about all of my feelings, and I, of course, usually cross the line. Many people are mad at me because I share everything that happens to me, or at least that's what they think. Then we also have the people that disagree with me and, hence, dislike me. Altogether, writing about my life, my feelings and, more than ever, my political disappointment, has made many people criticize me. Now, in 2017, where I'll be writing professionally a bit more than for leisure purposes this will only get worse, and I guess I just made the decision I don't really care. This is my space, and I like sharing. I like talking about all the good and bad things that happen to me. And so, for my own pleasure, I decided to crown my favorite moments of the past year. Overshare? Yes... but it's just life to me...

I saw the freaking Kremlin, I can die happy now... 

Yep, that's the Kremlin right there... 

The year started out with being in Moscow, and I can't stop thinking back to it now that it has been one short year. I still remember everything, from getting off the plane trying to find the bus at Sheremetyevo to taking the train, buying mango chips on the way to the airport to leave. Clearly being one of my favorite destinations to ever visit, the addition of all that snow (even the correlating temperatures) and the fact I flew back to Egypt where I was back at the beach the day after made it one of the weirdest experiences of my life. I wouldn't know if I had loved being there as much if I had been in different company, but even after the rest of the year I still liked looking back to being in Moscow and only have good memories, despite wishing I had made that experience with other people. But adding everything up, and I neither know why nor need to know, finally visiting Russia was definitely one of my highlights 2016, or even of my entire life.

I also saw Princess Elza and finally rode Space Mountain again... like 10 times... 

Mike is checking me out...

Do I really need to explain? The weekend I had in Paris was definitely one of my highlights. The company there was outstanding, and I just enjoyed being in France so much. After all these years of anticipating to return to Disneyland I wasn't let down, and we all know that anticipation is the express lane to being disappointed. Neither the weird weather nor the fact I missed the Christmas parade put any strains on my day at Disney, and I have tears in my eyes thinking back to it. But not just that, but the whole time in Paris, was so wonderful it makes me want to have one of those things Albus Dumbledore uses to save his memories, because I never want to forget the sunset at Montmartre, Camille knocking over a pot dancing for us, and playing Boule in front of the Bataclan, even though these things would slip people's memories. Not mine. For as long as I live.

I left Egypt for good... and didn't go back!

In 2016 I finally left Egypt, and I'm not gonna pretend it was hard. I know, Cairo is full of people who "hate and love Egypt", and I have no problem with them loving all the mess and craziness, but I wasn't a fan, at any given moment. Obviously, my life in Egypt was great, and I'm not a hypocrite for saying I didn't like living there while I had it so good. All I know is I had no problem leaving and never regretted it. Especially most people's reception towards me after I left, which shocked me at first, but very quickly turned into indifference and then even ridicule, made it even easier. With it came the lesson that criticism from people you may like but fundamentally disagree with (and in this particular instance even find embarrassing) isn't constructive, so why take it seriously? In a year of trying to discuss with Trump voters, the hate I received from people in Egypt was a great way to warm up my fingers. And in the end, even in moments I was hurt by it, I didn't have to care because I'm not in Egypt anymore and am way, way happier now, so it quite simply doesn't matter...

I dropped a few pounds and had to buy a new wardrobe (poor me!)

When I first returned to Germany I knew what was going to happen: it would be torture to find new friends, it would be boring as hell even if I found any, and I would be spending a lot of time by myself. After having enjoyed my solitude in Egypt massively, that didn't sound too bad to me right away. I did, however, fear that summer would just pass me by because I wasn't too keen on hanging out as much. I wanted to be outside, enjoy the green of my beautiful home country, and get rid of that terrible Cairo air in my lungs. So I started running. Soon my interest in running became a revelation: I don't wanna live without running. I hated running just as much as everyone else, but I loved seeing the green, breathing, being exhausted when jumping in a refreshing shower. After a few short weeks, I didn't even hate running anymore. And now I'm skinny. I had to donate most of my clothes and bought new stuff that would clearly not be a prudent fashion choice in Egypt, and turns out that made me pretty happy...

I didn't get a dog but my cat Charlotte was the next best thing... 

In January, while I was in Russia, my flatmate sent me a picture of a cat he found and asked me if I wanted to keep her. I wasn't a cat person, but I certainly didn't mind. Little did I know that in the following few weeks she would become the best. When I say "the best", you may ask yourself what kind of best: best cat? Best friend? Best thing to ever happen to me? The answer is all of the above. I hung out with Charlotte a lot because suddenly, staying home with hot chocolate or a glass of wine was no longer a thing I would do "alone" so I felt less bad for it. The truth was, and is, that I just enjoyed watching her purr on my lap more than going to some parties where I was bathing in cigarette smoke, so I ended up not going anymore. What's making it worse is that my cat Charlotte is the most adorable cat in the world. She is crazy cute, and now a year later I still "awww" every day I see her. She's made me very happy this year so she's definitely the best thing to come out of this year. It will kill me to leave her with my mom, her new BFF, but I'll write her every day... ok, no, I know, too far... 

Yearly New Year's Roundup: A Good Year For Me, A Bad One For The World

The countdown is on, we have almost made it: 2016 is in its final lap. This horrendous year for the planet is finally nearing an end, and although we will still live on a worse planet on January 1, 2017, than the one we occupied the same day in 2016, I think it comes as a relief to everyone that at least this torturous year is a memory. For me, 2016 was one of the best. The world, however, can't say the same thing. Almost none of the great things we expected happened except Leo DiCaprio finally winning the Oscar. This time last year we had hope for the planet, a female President, a stronger Europe and multicultural, tolerant and modern societies. Well, that hope was shattered with the most brutal force. Not only didn't we get Hillary, we got a lunatic asshole instead. Not only did we not get more tolerance, we got way more terrorists. And instead of a stronger Europe, almost the entire continent is preparing to vote for Nazi-enthusiasts once more next year. What a difference a year makes...

For me personally, the year started with a completely different expectation to what actually happened as well. I was in Moscow, fulfilling a lifelong dream. I was there with a boy, and at the time that was a nice thing. They say you spend the year with whoever is around on New Year's Eve. Instead, the boy I chose for that hooked up with the next chick the minute I left the country five days later (and, so it turned out, had already been doing so). Without telling me, of course. I found out in May when I was already way past caring, which makes writing this easier. What sounds like a sad story is, in fact, a huge contribution to why 2016 was such a success for me: I let go of a 10-year-old question mark that became an exclamation of "Sina, stop wasting your time!". My consequent reconciliation with my ex wasn't a result of that but felt way less forced than all the other reconciliations (there were plenty!) Despite this wonderful silver lining, two years of being in a relationship also came to an end and that, retrospectively, was also the right thing to happen. In the age of truly identifying what I want and need, the solitude made me make the right decision for myself. My relationship in Egypt never failed, but it ended because change was needed... and achieved.

The other biggie, of course, was leaving Egypt. I was sad to be leaving my boyfriend, but I never once doubted that leaving Egypt was the right step, and neither did he. There are few things in life you just feel are right, and when they come along, you still question them. Now, months after, I haven't missed Egypt even once, embracing my life back in Europe in a way I couldn't have had without the experience of living and loathing Cairo. Hearing all this, you may ask yourself why I celebrate a year in which men lost my love because they couldn't keep it in the pants (literally, mere hours both times!) and had to leave my lover behind, and the answer is very simple: it just had to happen. Everything that followed was positive. Duh, getting over a guy who doesn't appreciate you is easy, but actually realizing what you have in those who do appreciate you is a major lesson to learn. Leaving someone you love is harder, but finally accepting the end of something deemed to fall apart is liberating, saves everyone time and heartache and allowed both of us to continue to feel positive about each other.

The only thing I can really criticize about my personal year 2016 was the confusion about my career, and the countless times I was almost chosen to make all my dreams come true, but wasn't. This year, I applied and interviewed with Huffington Post, Politico, Business Insider, Deutsche Welle, CNN, International Business Times and, surprisingly, Ria Novosti. Each time, I lost out in the final round or was made an offer I couldn't accept. Each time, I was a stone throw away from literally everything I worked for these past years, only to realize it wasn't what I thought it would be. In the end, I started opening my horizon to new career ideas and I genuinely landed all jobs I applied for but two. It was evident, that "being a journalist in Germany above everything else" was no longer a smart model for my life, and once this realization made it into my head, I was getting opportunities I didn't know I could have. Here, too, my expectation for the year was not met, but exceeded hugely. On New Year's 2015 I thought I was heading back to school in the States, and now I'm back where it all started, how I had always hoped it would go when I was just a teenager.

Of course, a happy ending of 2016 for me personally does not translate into real life. All together I will never remember 2016 as a good year because the world changed for the worse. No other year I cried so much, but never for myself. I cried weeks for Brexit, then I cried weeks for Trump, and throughout I cried a lot watching and seeing and knowing that Aleppo, and all its people, was burning, and far beyond the confines of what was once a city, or a country. I skipped Christmas due to the incredible heartbreak over the world heading towards doom, by choice, and that I thought that 2016 would be, like all the other years, a year of progress and enhanced cooperation, and not a year in which hate crimes became trendy and being part of a multilateral world view was to be viewed as weakness, or even evil. I started the year being proud of my profession, and finish it knowing the world thinks I'm a liar due to my profession. Everything changed this year, and I, for as long as I live, will remember and say "I was there, I saw it coming!". Hopefully!

And as every year, I ask myself what I learned from the good and the bad, that makes even a bad year a good one in terms of experience. This year, I learned that things can go very well for yourself, and it means nothing if you can't share it. I had a wonderful year, full of great experiences, but it didn't make me happy because they were a result of my privilege that I did not deserve. My happiness does not guarantee me satisfaction, simply because I just don't have a heart that is able to shut the evil in this world out. Just like every other year, 2017 I am expecting huge changes, and unlike most years, they are welcomed because I have realized that they are the way forward. Jumping into the cold water, doing something wild, not thinking before doing, and other really hard to do things people try to avoid, just seem to be my style. I am relocating, I am changing career, and I am over the disappointments of 2016 which means 2017 will have an easy time teaching me new things. And that way, hopefully, 2016 with all its deaths and political catastrophes can hopefully remain a memory as soon as we have cleaned up the mess it made. That won't happen in 2017, but we hopefully have time... 

Why I'm Skipping Christmas In My Heart This Year.

The entire house is full of Christmas song and spirit. I work at the Christmas market, where the holidays are literally business. On top of that, I try to fit all my holiday watch list into my barely existing spare time. Heck, I even went to Disneyland. And yet, this year Christmas has not stood a chance in my heart. Before I continue, I should probably express how Christmas is much more than a holiday to me and that I usually start looking forward to it in August. It's just the time of love, family and peace, where we all remember to be kind, give gifts to those we love, and yes, we love, and then love more. And that is why this year I have now decided to skip Christmas: not in what I do, but in my heart. There will be a tree, but there won't be a celebration. After the year we had it simply doesn't feel right.

I was watching a carol show this morning, and some terrible singer lipsynced a call for "peace on Earth". And that is why I cannot identify with Christmas this year. In my lifetime a situation like Aleppo has not happened: live death on TV, the internet and absolutely nothing done to stop it. This season of peace is anything but. To feel Christmas spirit only means to turn off the TV and close the eyes to the most drastic suffering I have ever witnessed. How some people react to this senseless act of violence also rarely reminds me of what Jesus would have done or wants us to do. As a result, celebrating love, peace and the salvation we acquired by the birth of a man who, according to our belief system, grants us peace even after death but not those who are quite literally dying in front of our eyes as we speak, is wrong. It just doesn't feel right. And sure, our Lord has mercy, and yet I cannot help but overlook the paradox of Christmas and Aleppo happening at the same time.

To me, personally, that means that for the first time in my life I had to ask myself if it is at all tasteful to forget about what is happening and just focus on the good news of Christmas. I have never felt this good news to be threatened more than in 2016, and my subsequent answer was that allowing that Christmas sentiment into my heart would be a disrespect. I usually feel lucky and grateful for my privilege, but right now I am feeling uncomfortable about it. I don't deserve sitting here in the warmth, forgetting about the cruel world out there, pretending that love is what makes this world go around. It has never been more obvious that love does NOT conquer all, and that compassion and kindness are not today's trending topics. If that was true, we wouldn't have a Brexit to prevent immigrants from entering a country, a president-elect who openly hates people and appoints Putin's friends to government positions and, most importantly, war in more countries than currently not at war.

At a carol service earlier today, there they were: the privileged people, sipping their mulled wine while singing about how happy they are about Jesus being born despite not having gone to church in years and going by "atheism" to save taxes. At this point it is absolutely hilarious, or should I say mind-blowing, that quite a few people who are shaking their head about the people of Bethlehem not taking Mary and Joseph in on the night of Jesus' arrival are also suggesting to have a maximum quota on Syrians escaping wars to this country. A Protestant and a Catholic minister had also appeared to tell the Christmas story, tastelessly comparing the suffering of Aleppo to all of our personal battles that we just need to give up to God. As a person who has little time for religion, I struggle to just believe that God's salvation will benefit Aleppo. I think most people agree with me that human action would probably help a lot more.

But, and this is important, action was lacking big time. No American or UN action, or anything to counter Russian action which should never have happened. Gone are the days where this fight was about democracy. Anyone believing in democracy needs to be against Assad, although parties to put support in instead are of course very few in number. But whatever got us there, whoever really is the evil side, this human catastrophe was 100% preventable. I have a lot of very moronic friends who support Assad and still call themselves believers in freedom, undermining everything we see as propaganda. You know, the way almost every dictator in history got their following by simply undermining truths and appealing to emotions. And this year we have had so much of that. It has been easy to emotionalize people in the wake of more than one political failure, and considering that 2016 is possibly just the beginning of this downward spiral that will lead us out of our value system makes me feel anything but all tingly inside. Tingles, sure, but due to nausea.

And of course I am aware that Aleppo isn't the first, or even the worst, catastrophe there ever was around Christmas, but this time we are all watching. It is impossible to miss people posting their last messages to social media on Facebook, and despite Assad turning off the internet or mobile services in Aleppo, of course not everyone died there. On top of that, we also heard about wars before, haven't we? This one isn't any better than all the others we vowed to never allow to happen ever again. Christmas feels wrong all the time. In 2012, after Newtown, Christmas in my heart was a stretch as well. I was also in Israel where many things reminded me of how the world has forgotten about Jesus' legacy. I cannot have Christmas in my heart. There is no room in my heart this year. It is filled with grieve for the numbness, helplessness and negligence I feel about Aleppo. There is no silver lining for people seeking freedom and not getting it because the entire world had interests they wanted to see through. My personal interest is freedom for everyone, and so this is a dark Christmas, because we are heading towards less freedom globally, and 2k16 was likely just the beginning...

Everything about Disneyland is good but *these* things are even better...

After talking about my reoccurring dream of the past decade of being in Disneyland with time running out or attractions closing, and my rather elaborate blog on how I believe that I will fall in love with whoever takes me to Disneyland, I finally went to Disneyland last week. The mere fact I can write this without lying makes me very happy. I love, love, love Disneyland. Prior to the visit, I was prepared by friends that I might be disappointed: Disneyland is a place for children, and last time I went I sorta was one. So last week, for the first time in ten and a half years, I walked onto Main Street, USA in Disneyland and actually did what I had planned for a long time. Spoiler Alert: I was not disappointed. It would have been crazy for me to not love the experience. Yet, I of course managed to acquire some highlights, and I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t share them.

#Friendship

Every single boy I ever dated knew I had this dream of going to Disneyland. Each one of them promised to take me. None of them, for different reasons, followed through. Now that I went with my friends Camille and Tom I only have one thing to say about that: THANK F***! I have many cool places ruined by the fact I went there with the wrong, or at least no longer right, person. My lifelong dream of being in Moscow is now a distinctive memory of just one person, and I don’t enjoy thinking of what happened with him very much. I don’t think I could ever go back to my ex’s hometown in the Highlands without associating the place with him. Therefore, not making memories with the wrong guy in Disneyland is a win, I suppose. No corrupting places anymore! Instead, I now have memories with friends I’ve had for many years and who will, unlike these boys, never exit my life. I won’t ever regret association of Disneyland with Tom and Camille. And to have such friends, even after all those years of not being around each other, made it extra special.

Memories

Paradoxically, one of the reasons I love Disneyland so much is the set of memories I have from it which is the opposite of my prior argument. Disneyland Paris is the only place I remember vacationing with my father. I remembered him going on a high-speed, upside down roller coaster with his briefcase and taking a picture with Goofy, his favorite character. Then I remember my last visit in California, where the park shut for the public and allowed high school seniors to enter only. And finally, I remember that it had been a dream of mine to go to Disneyland as a child, and my mother only obliging when I was eleven. Back then, the robots in the Pirates ride were real AF. Now, the internet corrupted us and anything but CGI is a disappointment. The memories of thinking “whoaaaa, what a ride” however, aren’t going anywhere.

Diversity in a place so white even Trump would be shocked

Disneyland is not a very good representation of France these days. The moment I left the train station on my arrival I immediately noticed the diversity. I feel good in diverse places, in fact, I probably enjoy a society more if it features more than one color. Granted, Disneyland is a pretty white place. I consider it the most American place outside the US, and even in France the main audience was white, rich families, at least it seemed that way. However, I saw certain efforts to still illustrate some openness to all those white kids. “It’s a small world”, a boat ride through a room with dolls dancing from all over the world, had dolls of all color. My favorite, however, was the doll wearing niqab, dancing and singing with all the others. AWESOME! Additionally, one of the Elzas in the parade was Asian. FANTASTIC! Reflecting Disney’s worldview in present-day, Fillon-and-LePen-voting France, I suppose, isn’t the easiest feat, but at least they try.

Disneyland vs Reality

Just by fulfilling my dream of finally being back, my day at Disneyland was one of the best ones I had this year. It reminds me of past days, makes me dream of the future, and for a second I quite literally forgot I live in a terrible world because Disneyland is so awesome. People tell me every day how they just don’t watch the news anymore because it upsets them, or they don’t engage with hatred to protect their heart. Well, I’m not capable of that (and also believe that’s a wrong attitude) but on Disneyday, I succeeded in doing just that. Then, at 8pm, as the grand finale, Disneyland put on a laser show at the castle. The castle lit up with pictures of children singing and dancing around the world: in front of the Pyramids, in the Highlands, on the Great Wall of China. Then, suddenly, all lights went off, and the only thing visible was a huge projection of just one word: “Peace”. Since the end of "My Girl" I hadn't cried this much. We had just spent a whole day never once thinking of reality, and that’s ok sometimes, but the reality is out there, and it’s not peaceful. With goosebumps all over my body, this became my highlight of the entire day because Disneyland gave us a break but didn’t allow us to forget.

My Munich trips perfectly reflect everything that's wrong with Germany...

I’ve been to Munich four times in my life, and each time I mad a very similar experience. They say that the South is a friendly place, and I’m pretty sure if I ever got to stay longer that’s the experience I would make. Fact is, I never did stay long. I only ever stayed long enough to realize just how German Munich was. Anyone who’s read this blog before should know fully well what that means: order, efficiency, no surprises. The best part of the last two months I spent acclimatizing to this reality again after chaos, ridiculous inefficiency and nothing ever working out the way it was supposed to in Cairo. Two years of Egypt would make it pretty hard for anyone to accept living somewhere else again, and I chose to make that place Germany. As if it wasn’t underwhelming to me the first few times. It’s funny how each of my visits to Munich underlines exactly that: some sort of culture shock. But let me not tell you everything right away:

Visit #1: Oktoberfest 2006

The one and only time my hometown football club of Alemannia Aachen played the Bundesliga, me and my church friends couldn’t miss the chance to see them play Bayern Munich. Where does Bayern play? That’s right, Munich. So that’s where we went, to watch football, the most German thing anyone could ever do. I was 17 and hugely into Jesus, in fact staying the night at the priest’s residence for lack of any places in Munich to sleep all week because it was Oktoberfest time. What’s more German than football? That’s right, Oktoberfest. So right after the game which we obviously lost we headed to the tents. This was before ISIS in Europe, so it was crowded AF. Everyone was drunk. I hated beer. To set the precedent for my future life in Germany, it was this experience that I realized I had still not become the classic German. I had just returned from a year in the States, and my father had just passed away. And now this alcoholic hell was my life, and I didn’t drink. Oktoberfest looked fun to the person I would become, but back then it just showed me that maybe, Germany is not the right place for me to stay.

Visit # 2: Volleyball Club Trip 2010

Fast forward a few years and I had in fact left Germany again. I was living in the world’s best country in 2010, studying my absolute passion, being happier than I believe I ever was. My Volleyball Club traveled to Munich for a weekend of drinking, and I had become a drinker since my last visit. For the first time I was traveling as a Scottish university student but in my own country. I knew the language and the customs, and being in Munich there could not have been a bigger difference between the traits I had learned to love about the Scots and the complete opposite of that personified in the German people. We had the best time in all of Munich, and I mean it. No German had that much fun. Six years ago, as a completely different person from what I am now, I was ranting and ranting and ranting how boring those Germans are. Later on, I came to learn they’re not boring, they simply just don’t enjoy being like me, or the Scots, or the Americans for that matter. Silver lining: I was right where I was, in Scotland, and happy not to be in Munich.

Visit #3: Weird, weird job interview 2014

After uni and my PhD plans changing, I was applying Germany-wide. I didn’t want to stay in Germany but knew that the job market would probably only get worse if I left Germany. I was unemployed there, so I was going to be unemployed everywhere. What made matters worse was the incredible boredom of not having a job. Coupled with being in Germany, it was genuinely the worst time. I had a job interview at a PR firm in Munich so I thought “what the hell, why not?” and went for it. Within 10 minutes of being there I knew the job was history, however, I was still in Munich and thought my sister and I could have a good time. We couldn’t find decent döner which shouldn’t happen in any place in Germany. I also saw far less foreign people, which is never a good thing. When I then met up with my American friend Lindsey, and she told me how she was having trouble finding friends in Munich, I got an impression of where I was. I myself had met Lindsey one night in Slovenia, and we were friends the next day. How she could struggle was beyond me. But I knew of course what making friends in Germany entails, and so I just figured Munich, with all its rich, white people, probably wouldn’t be different than Aachen where I am from.

Visit #4: Working for Huff Post

This time I came as a completely new person. Nothing was left of those experiences before and my enthusiasm for Germany greatly changed after the four best words a German chancellor ever made: “We can do it”, speaking about the refugee crisis. Ever since, Germany has become a possibility for me to stay, which it never was. So when this opportunity arose it started sounding cool being close to the Alps and having a city job. It was redemption time. On day 1 I left the house at 7.30. A jogger past me as I left the hotel. At the corner I turned, a man with a dog past me. And at the traffic lights a couple was meeting up cheerily. The next day, I left the hotel at 7.30 again. At the exact same place as the day before, the jogger passed me. At the corner, there he was: the man with the dog. And finally the same couple met up at the same place as the day before. Three guesses what happened the day after. Same again! To the second! Nobody late! Everything predictable, after two days. This is the essence of Germany, and it’s hard to cherish after chaos and insanity sometimes worked out really well for me in Cairo. Now I wouldn’t prefer Egypt, but what happened to a healthy balance. Sometimes feeling like Germans aren’t robots would be nice…