Glenn is Dead and it feels too REAL: An Orbituary

I used to watch Lost, so I have mourned my fair share of TV characters. The whole premise of an actor exiting a show you love sucks, but never, I repeat, never, has it ever felt this bad: Glenn is dead. His skull is no more. He won't even be cameoing as a zombie. Glenn is gone! Again. After I had to go through this last year, I now actually saw his brain hanging from a baseball bat, and so all hope is gone. Last year when Glenn "died", there was hope, now the image of his eyeball popping out of his skull is the only thing I can see in my inner eye since Sunday. One may think that the reality that "The Walking Dead" is simply a TV show, and Glenn is not really dead, is a relief. Sadly, it hasn't been a relief for me.

Glenn was my favorite character next to Rick from Day 1. Duh, he was awesome, and there's almost no characters left from that day, but when Glenn was in danger it was always the worst. Rick can't and won't die (thank GOD), so Glenn running errands made me particularly nervous. I will never forget Noah's death which, if we're honest, should have been Glenn's day, never mind Glenn's heroic survival since arriving in Alexandria, being the subject to an assassination attempt, then watching said assassin kill himself on a dumpster, thus dooming Glenn to die as well. How was Glenn even alive on that fateful day at the pit? Remembering Glenn walk among walkers in his first ever appearance I thought he's be dead before the end of the day. Fortunately he wasn't which made for six seasons of an adorable hero.

Speaking of hero, I'd like to propose an experiment: close your eyes, think of nothing, and tell me in five seconds who, other than Glenn is your favorite Asian-American hero? I'm waiting. 5...4...3...2...1! Nothing? Hiro Nakamura from "Heroes" kinda doesn't count but yeah, good start. An Asian badass being a hero doesn't happen too often. In fact, let's not forget how Asian people in Western entertainment are rarely praised as beautiful. Where was America's Next Top Model of Asian descent? Steven Yeun aka Glenn in real life has recalled feeling ugly as a child because of his ancestry which I find ridiculous given how good-looking he is. "I never had a Glenn on TV", he has said about growing up trying to position himself in American society as an Asian American. Now, once more, there's no Glenn on TV who shows that Asian Americans, too, can be heroes.

That just sucks, doesn't it? The Walking Dead is a pretty diverse show, and features quite a few interracial couples. There was only one perfect one, though. Rick and Michonne? Hell no. Abraham and Rosita? Get out! The crown goes to Glenn and Maggie, a cute little love story in a show about the zombie apocalypse. His last words, after losing his brain to a baseball bat, was directed to his wife when he said he would "find" her. Last time they had been separated, and reunited, Maggie burned his photograph because she was convinced she'd never need it. I remember screaming at her then, now I'm just furious. Maggie, if she survives, now has to give birth to her adorable biracial child and watch it grow up knowing that without baby Glenn his dad might still be alive. But let's not start going down these roads. He's dead. Let's just cry.

Glenn dying was indeed my worst case scenario, and when Abraham was chosen I was, much like everyone else, so so relieved. My first thought was "I can't believe both Glenn and Daryl got out of this one". What a fool I was. Ten minutes later Glenn's also dead and Daryl's gone. Why exactly did Abraham have to die then? Geez, these overambitious writers, I want to sit them down for a talk. Abraham dying could have been an epic episode by himself, especially with that love triangle. What a waste of a major character's death. The only thing consoling me was that Steven Yeun is not dead and my last remaining hope is that he will just become a massive movie star. Please, somebody give him a new show. I want that Korean hero back on TV. I promise I'll watch!

A huge, over-emotional rant on Sexism

Sexism is Dead, They Said... Relax, They Said! Excuse me while I go to the bathroom and vomit. Today, Facebook reminded me, is International Day of the Girl Child, and everybody loves it, I'm sure. But this week, with whatever is going on, I have officially become weary of hearing people denounce sexism, its existence, its profoundness and its complete ongoing significance in every day life. Donald Trump, at least in his head, has a view of women that does not equal the view he has of a man, and we didn't find out about that this week. Him feeling entitled to grab "p***" because he's famous is a new low point in his career I thought was impossible to reach, yet that's not what I'm here to talk about today. Far worse than his disgusting comments, and the reflection it has on his personality, is that so many people, including many women, are excusing it or, even worse, probably agree. Whoever feels like not being called out on sexism today might as well stop reading now.

For me to claim I know what sexism looks like is a nobrainer. Two years in Egypt and one literally knows what being "grabbed by the p***" by an absolute stranger who isn't even a celebrity show host is like. I have thick skin (and a pretty tough fist) so I am fortunate I didn't take away any tremendous emotional scars from having to live like that. Feeling liberated to return to a society where I felt a bigger effort is made to treat women with the same amount of respect men receive I had to realize that political efforts for equality have not yet translated into social equality. Political efforts are equal pay, universal suffrage and a woman's quota; in society, however, I realize I'm a woman almost every day. People regard me as weak, limit me to my appearance and dismiss female qualities as inferior. And this happens every single day, whether people realize it or not.

Donald Trump's remarks are not shocking to me, and anyone who hasn't blatantly excused all of his mishaps in the last year as an effort to stop political correctness knows Donald Trump looks at women, minorities and many, many other people as not equal to his male, white persona. "Actions speak louder than words", they say, and I have to completely disagree. One does not only become a misogynist by raping or assaulting a woman; speaking or thinking about them as an inferior or objectified gender suffices. And that is exactly what that leaked tape shows us. And his interrupting in debates. And his comments on "fat" people Rosie O'Donell and Alicia Machado. Speaking of the latter, people seem to forgive him these comments because these women actually are or became "fat". Is this the world we live in, where women are subject to privileged white men calling them out on their looks without being labeled as crude themselves? Apparently we are.

My opinion on calling out Trump for this behavior appears to me to earn more criticism as the criticism he's getting, at least in my circles. For me to say this, I have many friends telling me to stop being so sensitive, and my consequent freak out over being told that in this context earns me my favorite accusation: "oh what a drama queen!" Awesome! Nothing I love more than people calling me a drama queen for not ignoring bullshit. I get called this by friends, partners and random tweeters for disagreeing so I'm sorry if I can't take it seriously. In this particular example they aren't even wrong; I fight a lot, I debate, I get really angry when challenged and my tolerance for people spreading hate, misogyny or other equally infuriating topics is tiny, yet I do not have to accept people calling me anything behind my back, even if it's true. Not as a woman, not as  human being. If that earns one the "crazy" badge I get why so many people seem to have it. All it is is a ridiculous attempt to bad mouth an emotional reaction by a woman, and I don't appreciate it.

So as soon as a woman disagrees, develops an uncomfortable opinion or simply stops buying bullshit they are labeled "crazy". Oh man, I have witnessed this so much. A guy I once hooked up with, who then ignored me for seven hours the next time I saw him before asking me if I could give him a ride home didn't just call me crazy when I laughed at him and told him he can go suck it, he also proceeded to tell all of his friends what a ridiculous bitch I was for telling him to off without "any reason". I have also been called crazy because I went quiet after I found out that some guy I was seeing had slept with another girl while talking to me. I also didn't find it too decent that a guy was texting me while on holiday with another girl. While these things aren't gender-related, my consequent reactions were made the actions of a "drama queen"; they have earned me criticism while I somehow feel they should have rather earned me an apology. But a strong reaction from a woman, for whatever reason, is better put off as some kind of insane female behavior.

I have had many really good guy friends and I do know their "locker room talk". Contrary to popular belief, I am in fact not very sensitive. My best friend from college who I used to live with would come home from a night out and tell me in detail in which horrendous way he got some sorority chicks to sleep with him. I don't even blame him because these girls were okay with their objectification and could have called him out on it any day, but they didn't. The fact he would tell me though, speak about them like they were just some sort of tool to get pleasure out of, is fundamentally wrong. We were friends, I knew he didn't mean disrespect, and I have equally seen him treat women wonderfully, including me. But this is the reality: this locker room talk is where the issue is expressed, where women are described as something that cannot be regarded as respectful. To assume that these thoughts would find expression in actions is a foregone conclusion. and even if they don't, viewing women like that in one's mind to me is already a proof of a problem.

Only today I was told that men in Egypt weren't nice to me because I was actually nice but because I was blonde and foreign and men there just wanted to sleep with me. Beautiful, they got that one right. Knowing that myself, please tell me why I should have been nice? Yet the vast majority of girls there were pretty happy to accept this kind of interest, and I'm the last one who judges that. Turns out that was the kind of interest that was up for grabs, and other parts of the world aren't different. Funnily enough, more and more of these girls decided to ignore their friends' warnings that certain guys were not in fact genuinely interested, but when they actually got burned being taken advantage of by the guy they liked it wasn't the guys' fault but the other girls who he clearly liked more from day one. I don't know where this lack of self-respect comes from, but I sure know that locker room attitudes don't help. I dare say that said girl probably would have decided otherwise without the willingness of that guy to take advantage of her inability to make the right decision for herself.

Now we live in a world where guys have told me some girls they slept with were "stupid" or "easy", and swimmers get three months in jail for rape while others serve five year sentences for burning an illegal CD. The argument that something is not as equal as it should be is groundless. There can be no argument. Where are the equal workplaces that employ the same amount of women than men? Where is equal pay? And where is the attitude that I am more than a nice hair cut and a moving pair of boobs when I am out? Having people look at my boobs in public is the least of my problems. I have lost out to jobs I was perfect for because I was a woman. I have had to listen to people accusing me of coming to Egypt only to "fuck Egyptians". And worst of all, I have had to watch people roll their eyes when I expressed disappointment over that. Even some people who just read this have done exactly that. Three guesses who these people are...

What's most disappointing is that a large amount of women who have not realized that they are disadvantaged and excuse patriarchal behavior. Do you know how many women believe that a girl "was asking for it" if she dressed promiscuously, shouldn't flip out when a man disrespects her or wasn't really harmed by Donald Trump's comments? Any man talking, thinking or subconsciously acting without ill-intent like a woman is a property, a less respectable human being or inferior and weak is harming me, even if I don't bleed after. In a public fight, I dare you to think that the guy started it, because the girls are usually the ones seeking the drama. A hot, rich, successful chick being married to an average Joe would shock you more than a hot, rich, successful dude doing the same, that's a fact. And that's not the fault of a woman, it's the result of a society who does not believe that this attitude needs revision but the people who call for revision.

When I see what women endure and don't even realize that they are being compromised by a medieval world view, I feel sorry, that's all. Truth is that many women are unaware of their disadvantage, and they will probably not feel too bad about it as a result. Worse even are those who do not identify with feminism because they believe it does not coincide with their traditional values. Many women want to be a housewife, cook and clean for a living, and believe their place is the home. Denouncing feminism, however, has nothing to do with that. We are talking about the option of living such a life as opposed to being expected to live that life. Therefore, every single person, male or female, not identifying as a feminist, namely believing that women and men are created equal, is sexist, or at the very least an idiot or asshole. We need more people to accept than we need people to fight for feminism. But as long as conversations like the one happening on a bus in 2005 are excused as not a problem, we sure do have one... at least if "we" means women!

Happy Birthday, Germany: I Love You, but I'm not Proud of You

On October 3, 1990, East and West Germany became the Federal Republic of Germany once more, ending communist rule, a separation of its people by a giant wall and authoritarianism in the German sphere. A wall had separated families, friends and advances in politics, technology and society, and on that day that wall was no more; those people having been separated were walking on the same sides of where it had stood; the Eastern parts of German families found out how the Western parts had lived since the war. Finally, after those Cold War years, but also after a devastating war, 12 years of Nazi reign and another two decades of war followed by economic hardship as a result of it, Germany was finally looking into a bright future. And that future was indeed bright. As a result, today's holiday to celebrate reunification is much more than a reminder of this happy occasion.

I myself never experienced a troublesome Germany. I wasn't even a year old when the Wall came down, and I don't remember watching people climb up it with hammers, taking out pain accumulated during decades of repression out on this endless piece of concrete concealing freedom from the East. My first memory is hearing "Wind of Change" by The Scorpions, unaware of how tremendous its meaning would be for my life. Here in the West, people agree that the East was liberated from authoritarianism, and considering the daily life a citizen of the German Democratic Republic (GDR) it is hard to rationally argue against that notion. That day Francis Fukoyama, I like to think, had a vision he later called the "end of history". He should end up being wrong about that. Although October 3 is probably the most wonderful day in German history, we have much more to remember on this anniversary than the end of a dark time. But not everybody likes to remember.

Since I was too young to know what Germany was like before said day, it is impossible to assess how much really changed. What I can assess though, is where we are today, and put it into historic perspective, since not having been there doesn't mean I don't know. Just because I was never a Nazi who killed Jews and most people who were are dead, the history of my country has not faded. Quite the contrary: I believe in repeatedly remembering what the soil I stand on every day was the stage for not too long ago, and it breaks my heart despite not having been there. Why do we study history at all if we look at it unfavorably, not accepting the lessons it's trying to teach us? Due to my country's horrible history, I have time and time again questioned whether pride of my nation is appropriate. In nine years abroad, in which I have looked at my home country from afar, I have finally come to a conclusion.

Just as much as it's not my fault what Germans have done historically, it has nothing to do with me how well Germany is doing now. To call myself ashamed of the sins of my fathers is probably wrong, and not necessary. However, for me to just look at the present, that I in fact do play a part in, and say it makes me proud to be German is just as wrong then. I didn't make Germany the 4th largest economy in the world. I didn't win the World Cup. I didn't contribute to politics of acceptance and equality. Given we have a huge rise in nationalist sentiments on this entire planet, I struggle to see how any other country is different. Where do they take this massive entitlement from that characterizes them as better than another, just by being born in a certain place? I am a part of Germany today, doing everything I possibly can to corroborate its values of freedom, democracy and equality because I believe in them more than in anything else. None of that, however, will ever come from a place of being "proud to be German".

I love Germany more than most people. Everything I was able to do I owe to this country. It has given me education despite a rather unlikely background for achievement, I receive medical assistance for runny noses and acne and it has day after day proven to be a home for me and so many wonderful people from everywhere on the planet. If there was ever a blessing, it would be being born German. The fact, however, is that I did nothing to deserve it. I was merely born here, and therefore don't feel like I deserve its glory any more than another. To call myself a patriot, therefore, goes against my understanding of what this nation is: we are happy, blessed and thankful to be here, but we are not part of an exclusive club that only allows those who actually share our nationality. At least that's what I'd like to think.

Patriotism isn't nationalism, and I know that. Since I, historically, morally and politically, disagree with nationalism, however, I have decided to no longer call myself a patriot either. Pride is not an asset; gratitude is. In my life in four different countries I have experienced sentiments towards countries I don't want to associate with. And even in Germany we are seeing more and more where the negligence of history and the indulgence in nationalist rhetoric is leading to; it's not a to a good place. In both Egypt and the US I saw nationalism and patriotism respectively I would not like to see in Germany. At home, the term "nationalism" has had a round in history, and it's time to leave it behind. The exclusive society, building on a belief that the place of one's birth gives a person more reason to be proud of their country than another is foreign to me because we were simply not taught. I believe that was a correct decision!

Today, I am proud to be part of a society that has gotten up from a disaster of historic proportions. That means I am proud to be a human being, not proud of being German. I want to do anything I can to make others proud of me and my contribution to this wonderful, reunified country that has done a terrific job, in my eyes, in the past year of trying to put our shameful past into hope for others from afar. The most patriotic day of my life was last summer, when I spent the entire day at a refugee camp in Macedonia, later seeing a certain Eastern German physicist, more widely known as the Chancellor of the Federal Republic of Germany, welcoming refugees to our country because she believed "we can do it!" I believe we can do it. I believe this country has nothing to fear from any threat we are facing because we have overcome so many. And not because we are the best, but because we will try and we will succeed. Look where the last challenges took us. That's where I will derive my identity from, not the color of my skin, my hair color, what my passport says or what language I speak. 

Backstreet's Back Alright... and I am Old!

The Backstreet Boys are back, what a time to be alive! Turns out, when they said "as long as there'll be music we'll be coming back again", they weren't kidding. Thank God! Whatever is left of music these days, barely qualifying to be called just that, needs to be revived by whatever was going on there in the 90s. I found myself at a 90s party last weekend where I was definitely the only person who actually remembered these songs coming out, if you know what I'm saying. Now I do admit I'm hugely biased, having had an incredible 90s childhood, so every song from that decade comes with a flash of memories of me standing on the table, dancing, lip-syncing because I didn't speak a word of English, but how do younger or older generations fail to see what the 90s gave us? Let me elaborate...

Well, ehm, I don't think I have to mention the Backstreet Boys again, do I? Oh never mind, why not...? The Backstreet Boys are amazing! They deserve to be called amazing although, let's face it, they didn't do anything. Like Michael Jackson, who I would like to call the most unbelievable thing to come out of any decade, was an absolute force of nature, definitely the best performer ever and sang like there was nothing else he could do. The Backstreet Boys: not so much. They had the hair and nose Michael Jackson was missing, but Howie D and Nick Carter usually didn't amaze with their vocal range. However, just like MJ's, every song of theirs was an instant classic. This sounds ridiculous because these days "Everybody" is obviously a classic, but I remember being six years old and thinking this will be a hit, although I dare say I probably didn't know what a "hit" really was. What a flipping tune. 20 years later I still love it every single time. It just doesn't get old, only I am...

Now that I said "20 years" I actually realize I went to a party for old people. Most of these people were not around when the Backstreet Boys released... well... anything. I was watching Jimmy Fallon the other day (don't ask, I don't even know why myself either?) and he had young Grace Vanderwaal on who just won "America's Got Talent" at 11 years old. Jimmy asked her about the song "Bye Bye Bye" which, oh my God, is such a tune. But quite evidently, young Grace had no effing clue. She had never heard of that song. Being 11, she was born when Justin Timberlake had already kind of retired. And not from the boyband, but his SOLO career, only to be an "actor". There a kids out there who probably know Justin from his appearances in movies more than his music. What a shame! Now if that doesn't make anybody feel the pressure of time on their backs, I don't know what will.

The truth is that I am now old enough to claim a decade. When I was younger, I heard of 70s and 80s parties, and I knew Cyndi Lauper and Boy George from TV, but I didn't know what it actually felt like to dance to "Take on Me" when it first came out, or having a crush on Morten from a-Ha when he was actually a heartthrob. Now, I am old enough to be telling young kids what that was like, only in my own decade. 20 years ago, which is longer than most popstars have been alive, I was getting set in puberty and was rocking out to Techno before it became a hipster music genre. We didn't have phones or computers, and only yesterday I was telling the story of how I recorded Enrique Iglesias' "Hero" on the radio when it charted so I could listen to it over and over again. This doesn't just sound like an anecdote from the past but from an entirely different phase of history.

We can't help but think that our decade was the best, and yet the 90s really were an incredible time. Only later on I found out that the feeling of security and peace one felt during childhood actually had a foundation in the 90s: there was a sense of idealism in world politics after communism fell in Europe and the US had actually started to look for new foreign policy goals (for once) without antagonizing, but assisting world leaders to achieve peace. The 1990s reshaped the planet, and even today I felt like there could have been a better planet if that mentality hadn't gotten lost so dramatically in 2001. Music, however, was definitely just so, so much better back then. The only aspect of life that did not benefit from digital technology was music, hands down. I'd take the Backstreet Boys back over semi-talented DJs from France or Sweden any day. And what's wrong with dancing? Why do boybands these days stand still? Thankfully, starting March 1, the Backstreet Boys are back. 

Why Hillary Won!

I know, I know, Election season is already coming to an end, and yet yesterday felt like Christmas: when do I ever get the chance to talk about politics and nobody is harassing me about "needing to shut up" and "not start again". Yesterday, we were supposed to talk about politics. All of us. What made it even more like Christmas was how the debate at Hofstra University went. Since this is a personal space, and I have long abandoned impartiality when it comes to the issue Trump vs Clinton, seeing Trump struggle was great. I wish only the best for him on a personal level, find him an interesting, news-worthy character, would love to meet him, but would never be okay with him winning the presidency. Yesterday, for the x time, he showed why: little substance, unprofessional handling of political situations and a whooole bunch of lies. Then again, who expected anything less?

I was in fact surprised DT did as bad as he did. Rationally, I thought he spent days preparing to actually wow us with something pretty much nobody expected: an informed and professional performance. I should have known that rationality is not his forte. With expectations for him as low as they were because, frankly, he has no business standing on that podium, he should have easily impressed. Then I heard his advisers releasing information half an hour before the debate that the D hadn't even conducted a mock debate. He had spent the afternoon with his children and wife in Trump Tower. I have an interview soon and I mock-debated the crap out of that. Why? Because I want the job! You would think running for president is something Donald Trump would consider preparing for. Minutes in it had become clear Trump should have done a test round...

The media, although correct in doing so, is evidently trying a new approach reporting on Trump. Wait, hear me out because this will definitely not be a "Hillary bought them" argument. It's like Trump said that the media was biased so often they actually stop calling out how ill-suited he is in fear of giving him some gunpowder (which he totally would do). The echo beforehand was largely that Hillary has had so much experience and Trump has had none that it was obvious she had a clear advantage. If that isn't a reason to vote for her in itself I don't know what is. Bad enough we have an amateur debater at the podium, never mind in the race. Right after the assessment continued, with even liberal outlets trying to find faults in Hillary's performance. I love that she was actually criticized, called out on the things she did do wrong and the discrepancies in her past decisions. Unfortunately, one cannot expect the same from the Trump camp.

In fact, he celebrated himself as the winner pretty much right after the debate. Retweeting assessments that saw him beating Hillary up to 80-20 (I know, in what world?) and claiming his mic was broken. On purpose, of course! One of his biggest trolls supporter, Rudy Giulliani, also claimed that host Lester Holt had been asking him too many difficult questions. Such an argument makes me cringe for humanity. For starters, they both received the same questions, which is what a debate literally is, and secondly, shouldn't a president even be able to tackle people out to get him? Lester Hold is a smart guy, I find it hard to believe he wasn't laughing inside throughout this ordeal, and yet Hold definitely didn't break away from an essential impartiality. When Trump repeatedly lied and contradicted himself, Holt merely asked him "why [his] judgment is any better than [Hillary's]?" Good question, Lester. Trump obviously couldn't answer.

Which brings me to my favorite theme: lying! How Hillary actually became the lying candidate is unfathomable to me. 30 years of political life means she definitely lied. I am aware she's not a truth-speaking robot. But is it really happening that one of the reasons she is losing votes is because of dishonesty while her opponent takes the stage in front of 100 million domestic viewers and fails a fact-checking contest MISERABLY? Facts are obviously a currency Trump voters are not really interested in trading with so it doesn't really matter that a TREMENDOUS amount of his statements in fact were untrue. All that seems to suffice to the Republican following is Trump shouting "wrong!" over Hillary saying the truth, and I guess in today's world that just makes her wrong. I like the truth, and so him claiming he had a personal fight with Sean Hannity that he opposed the war does not mean his 2002 public claims will disappear. And him claiming the USA to have "Third World" airports or China controlling North Korea is so ridiculously incorrect it's embarrassing. Really!

Then again, how would Donald Trump know all that. I mean, we definitely can't argue he has any sort of experience in office Hillary is lacking, although that case has certainly been made. We live in a world where a woman who has served for 30 years, knowing close to everything there is to be known about the position on offer, has to share a stage with a man who thought "I can do what a woman can do", without anything actually qualifying him to make that assumption. Hillary actually missed a lot of chances illustrating how uneven this playing field really is. There he was saying nuclear weapons are the biggest problem ever, five seconds later calling her out on making the Iranians abandon their nuclear ambitions. What? By the time he claimed she didn't have the stamina to be President he seemed desperate.

Of course, that's not what the Republicans saw. I have often, very often, asked myself if I am blinded by my political conviction. Am I maybe the ignorant one who just wants to see Hillary succeed? I had to conclude it's almost impossible because I don't actually need her to win. I'm not American and I don't even love Hillary. My endorsement comes from fighting her fight of being a woman in a not-yet-equal world and, well, political accuracy of statements. I supported Barrack in both elections he was in, but both Mitt and John McCain had my respect. I spent two hours chatting with my Trump-loving friend yesterday because I don't actually believe political views different from mine make people bad. And yet, the hashtag #Trumpwon trending this morning just means there are at least people out there who cannot look at this rationally. In what rational mind does a man who blatantly lied on stage in front of millions "win" a debate? Often politics come down to opinion, and that's cool, but there really can't be a contest on who won this round... 

Why I Want Nothing More Than To Go To Disneyland

Last night, it happened again. I was on a plane this time, sitting front row like I was the captain. I was wondering if, like so many times, I would soar over the skylines of some pretty incredible places, where you don't really know where to look first. And then, as we picked up speed and realized that the plane was finally taking off, I saw the plane would be flying right over the best skyline one can dream of: Disneyland. We were going so fast I was struggling not to get sick. Much like the other aspects of my life, I prefer to get somewhere fast, throwing up, than a slow but steadier approach. The shadows of Space Mountain were taking shape. And then I woke up because the mail arrived. Forced to return to reality rather quickly, I had yet again dreamed of approaching Disneyland but not reaching it. Now if you're me, there is no worse nightmare.

I've been to Disneyland five times. At the age of 9, I received a Cinderella VHS that, if watched past the movie, featured a ten minute Disneyland promo. Being 9, I was sold immediately. Three years I campaigned with my parents with all I had, but it took their separation to make me capitalize on the misfortune. My mom felt so bad we weren't able to go on holiday despite all the hassle at home that she decided to finally make my dream come true. The year after that, my dad felt he had missed out on seeing me that happy, so he took me, TOO! Since my dad died not too long after that, Disneyland is one of very few places I have memories associated with my dad. As if I needed any more reason to love it. The worst time I went was in 2005 when the people I was living with at the time chased me through Disney's California Adventure, told me I was too fat for a corndog and then forgot me there. It seems only natural I'd want to reminisce as well as make new memories.

In most of my many Disneyland dreams I am either in Disneyland, trying to navigate through paradise with a pretty masochistic time restraint, never making it to any attractions, or I'm on the way there and there's either a tornado, a traffic jam or my company screws things up for me. Very clearly, actually being in Disneyland is a treat my subconscious wants to save for my conscious. My subconscious is some actual d*** because there's nothing I'd rather dream than hanging out with my dead father or being in Disneyland carefree, and neither dream has ever been realized in my head. To actually be in Disneyland would be a dream come true, and I can't say all my other dreams are that easy to realize (trust me, I've tried every day for 15 years, I'll need another few years).

I dream of Disneyland at least once a month. Reasons, you ask? There's no place I'd rather go. To me going to Disneyland is much more than a fun day out. I would only go to Disneyland with amazing company. The thought of being in Disneyland with someone I like is literally my idea of heaven: walking around singing with Minnie Mouse, eating in scenic restaurants, riding roller coasters and buying the picture after. I'm not sure what that says about me as a person, but apparently I just really wanna be a kid for a few days. I was robbed of a few years of my childhood, and I love being an adult way too much to ever get tempted by real childhood, but having that much of a desire to be happily ever after in Disneyland is nothing short of childish, which is pretty uncharacteristic for me. Yet, that's quite frankly what my brain wants. And I agree with it.

In dreams, we often dream in symbols, and as much as I actually want to go to Disneyland and think there is no interpretation necessary, it does stand for something. The day I actually go to Disneyland will most likely be the happiest day of my life. Right now, without having achieved my professional quarter-life goals, I'd be hesitant to go. Being happy for a few days, then returning to not being what I'm supposed to be professionally, would be a waste. Never mind, that without my professional goals being en par I could never afford to go. So the day I go I will be celebrating being adult enough to justify going back to childhood for a few days.

Age 14 in Disneyland Paris

Most importantly, however, Disneyland is most likely going to be the place I fall in love. I have told every guy I ever dated I wanted to go there, and they each vowed to take me one day. Every. Single. One. Yet, I haven't been in ten years. Last time I was in Disneyland I was there with a guy I (ten years later) had a little romance with. He then had a girlfriend so it just sounds like a frigging waste right now. After receiving the promise to be taken to Disneyland by those numerous men, I actually vow to fall in love with the first guy to ever follow through. It's like I'd owe him that. There's nothing I want more than go to Disneyland, and there's nothing I'm less willing to do than falling in love, so it would only be fair.

Hence, dreaming of Disneyland and constantly being denied access doesn't seem surprising. I'm just not ready! It is, however, a rather easy dream come true, unlike the ones I have of winning various prizes, hosting my own debate TV show and having a library in my house (never mind owning a house). Transparent as I am, the key to my heart will most likely have the shape of a Disneyland entry ticket, and I have now disclosed that for the world to read. It's been over ten years since I last had the pleasure and I hope I don't have to wait another ten years. All I really need is my life to get a few more steps ahead towards my grown up goals, most specifically a career I feel content with and a decent partner, and my ticket is booked. Others save for world trips, all I want is a weekend getaway to Disneyland Paris. Send some positive thoughts my way... 

Do People Even Still Know What "Freedom" means?

I spent the last two years in Egypt, everyone knows that by now. Right now, I am pretty unpopular there because, unlike the majority of the foreign visitors, I didn't enter Egypt as or became a Putin-loving, America-hating pseudo-tolerant conspiracy theorist that believes that as a visitor in a different country I should forsake my own understandings. For a nation that is yearning for "freedom" but failed at getting it to disagree with me on what freedom actually entails makes total sense: Egyptians feel trapped in their own country, have no legitimate democratic power and, whether they realize it or not, are under constant threat of persecution for things any average European would consider a constraint on human rights. It is, as a European who cherishes the system I grew up in, sad to me I seem to have been born "freer" than an Egyptian, although this definition of course is subject to a biased, one-sided definition: mine!

Speaking of human rights, it's interesting to actually remember what that means because many seem to have forgotten. Our values grant every individual to own clothes, have enough to eat and access to a safe living situation. My patriotism does not stem from Germany or Europe being great at some sports or making good cars but from the reality I am from a society that celebrates these values. Despite our history, I am happy we have found a way to grant human beings some rights I find essential. Of course I only consider them essential because I was raised with them and taught to keep them dear. Other parts of the world are different and might not have the same execution of the rule of law or equality as my own state, however, they are not "worse" countries. Fact is though, that in my understanding the Charter of Human Rights is how I want every single person on this planet to be able to live. And I thought everyone agreed with me on that....

For Egyptians to disagree, as I said, is almost excusable. The majority of Egyptians I know are perpetually criticizing their tyrant and are eager for more freedom, yet have no cultural tolerance for any criticism, especially when it involves religion. The week after Charlie Hebdo I was appalled by how many times I heard someone say that a certain punishment, albeit not murder, was to be expected when someone ridicules the Prophet. Very clearly, President Sisi could give his people all kinds of freedoms tomorrow and they would probably still be offended by me telling them that their country is not free. Sadly for Egyptians, denying such a thing won't make it any less true. To them freedom means being able to wear what they want. They are allowed to do that. It means they can marry inter-racially and belong to whatever religion they might like. They are allowed to do that. If that is freedom, yes, Egyptians are free...

Funny we should speak about religions because not having one isn't that great in Egypt. Sure, we are waiting for government numbers about actual prosecution of atheists, and every half-witted person knows we won't ever get them. When you are faced with the census numbers that claim that among 90 million Egyptians less than 1000, or even 10,000 or 100,000 if it would say that, are atheist, you should realize that the government is not a fan. Not having the government be a fan of yours shouldn't matter in a free state; in Egypt it more often than not means you will encounter a few problems though, one of them potentially being jail. The same, of course, applies to homosexuals. We may want to remember that the UN Charter states freedom of expression as a human right. Hence, to claim Egyptians are free is ridiculous...

For two years I was pretty vocal about how much I cherish the freedom that comes with living in Europe. As an LGBT supporter, for starters, I could not accept Egyptian culture to be "better" than mine, although I'd say expressing any culture to be better than another is essentially wrong. My undeniable opinion, however, is and always has been than equality, at the very least, is a right worth fighting for. This applies to women as well. And there I was telling everyone in Egypt that in Europe, women, men, homosexuals and even felons are all the same human beings, with the same set of rights and the same value in society, at least on paper. Quickly the time had come where I no longer wanted to watch Egyptians demand more freedom, then not being willing to accept equality or secularism, so I left. And then, just before I knew it, I had to watch the French, historically most notable for "liberté et egalité", tell a woman to take off her burka at the beach. Ouch!

Here I was believing that it's actually still a privilege to live in a free society, and then the country that actually came up with the idea of equality in Europe openly expresses how this rule excludes Muslims. And women. Now, I do not consider Europe "not free" anymore because Muslim women are under threat of having a dress code imposed on them (although I won't tell anyone they're wrong if they perceive this as a first move in a downward spiral), but the sheer willingness of people to allow to have this basic detail, clothing, to be determined by no other than the person wearing it is a sheer shock. Fine, so the police thought burka ladies do not belong into "French values", but people actually agree. What part of "freedom of expression" did the burka clash with? I don't like burkas and frankly would love for nobody to wear them, yet for me to decide if someone does or not and continue to call myself a believer in freedom and equality simply can't coincide...

Last time I checked, French values were not a dress code; they were a set of values which allow people to be free. I couldn't care less if people feel threatened by burkas. Many also seem to believe there is an underlying threat that comes mainly from members of this religion, especially men. "Jail them before they can become terrorist", I hear all the time. I mean, cool idea, y'all, but I thought we were supporters of the rule of law. I thought we cannot impede on someone's life unless we have proof it harms another. Today, in the face of fear of terrorism which is irrational to say the very least, we have more and more people actively standing up for giving up these rights that some of our forefathers freaking died for. Sorry, but how am I not supposed to be scratching my head? I was unaware that there are people out there, celebrating our freedoms, exercising their right to vote and being respectable citizens who believe these rights are not for everyone.

Right now, there is way too much of a conversation around a religion. Since France's embarrassing beach incident, it is no longer just about religion; now it's about finding a definition to what French values really are: is it freedom or a bikini? Is it equality or a Baguette? The fact this question exists means we will have nationalist debates because of course we will soon have a laid-out definition by Marine LePen who will, let's face it, do really well next year. The days of defining French values as a belief in "fraternité" is on the back burner. Whoever is different is clearly no longer welcome to be called French, only that by now almost all French people are at least a little bit "different". All this sounds an awful lot like Hitler who, on top of being a megalomaniac mass murderer, started an exclusive idea of who is still entitled to this belief in rights. In the end, nobody still had any. But sure, trying to see how far we can push the border between "right-wing" and "xenophobia" this time sounds like a great idea.... NOT!