Thursday, August 9, 2018
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
Wednesday, March 21, 2018
The answer is clear, I am not. I like waking up every day, I don't spend days in my bed not leaving my room much like some time when I lost everything I loved. Life is good to me. My journey through this life has been impeccable and exactly what I would always hope for a life although often hard. Happiness comes from knowing all this, and being grateful for it. Since I know how to do that, I believed I'd never be unhappy again which might or might not stay true. The thoughts that came into my head today were of a different nature though. They were not thoughts, they were feelings. And I haven't had any in a long time.
The reason it is so easy to be happy is that I count my blessings every day and on paper, they look great. Anything other than happiness when living my life would be outrageous. But today I remembered that I am not that person that looks at a sheet of paper and assesses; I'm the girl that closes her eyes and tries to feel. I don't meet people by talking, I don't make decisions by making pros and cons and I rarely ever think about what is "the right thing to do". I have a gut, a body of intuition, and it has seldom let me down. That's where I come from, that's who I am. And as fragile and vulnerable feelings are, this part has stayed concealed from people for many years. In the last year, however, I have hidden them so well I didn't even find them myself.
I said in an earlier post that I think I had learned from the Brits. Their forceful hiding of anything that can be traced to true, raw and life-changing emotion was a way of thinking I had not yet acquainted myself with. I thought maybe, just maybe, my heart leading the way was not the right thing. In the past 390 days of being in this country, I have told many tales, but never the truth. Because the truth is how I'm feeling, how I see the people around me, how very much in love I am with things I cant have. I showed nobody, except for two or three five second breaks where emotions forced their way out, namely in the shape of tears. Almost! But I swallowed them, in true British fashion. There were no tears throughout times that should go down as my hardest. I don't have to get into how that is ridiculous for someone who feels like me.
This hiding of the essence that is me, a cesspool of emotion, feeling, passion and often melancholy, didn't happen voluntarily. I often pride myself on my bravery, having done so many things people are scared of. Most of my peers think I'm a badass because look, that sheet of paper with all my daredevil moves suggests that I am. Having said that, I am scared to feel. So much so that I haven't done it. To really allow myself to acknowledge what has recently happened to me would guarantee feelings, and not the good kind. So I just don't. No acknowledgment of those I love, no acknowledgment of probably the biggest heartbreak of my entire life, no acknowledgment of the anger I feel towards someone who almost ruined my life. I am happy, thats all that mattered.
Happiness is like a drug; I didn't want to let it go. I was able to fool myself into happiness for a year by running away from everything that could threaten it. But now, I'm losing the race. They're getting faster and I'm getting slower. I stayed idle for a long time not changing anything about my situations, sometimes relationships, so that I could keep riding the wave of happiness. Instead, I should have gotten off the wave when it made sense. Sometimes it's right to not be okay. I should really have acknowledged that a while ago and not hide it from myself. It might be the easier way of living, but it isn't mine. I don't write a sheet of paper, I write chronicles. Everyone who has ever seen a glimpse of the part of me I call emotion here has seen the four or five-page letters I compile to express one feeling I have on one given day. In order to be me, I need the chance to write these Chronicles. To write the Chronicles, I need these feelings. And they are forcing their way out now...
Monday, February 12, 2018
My closest friend in London, and one of my closest friends in life, is an incredible person. She's wearing a fair bit of Latina on her sleeve but tried hard to be 'like us' now that she's here. She has proven to be strong, caring and intelligent. She is creative and open-minded. In short, the girl's a catch! Yet, recently she has had a very hard time, struggling with her boyfriend and the country she had hoped to make a home. With nobody at fault, my friend started talking down her achievements: her recent master's graduation was "not a big deal", the reason she couldn't get a job was that she "wasn't good enough". She was set to settle: for an inferior job that was exploiting her and a relationship that didn't look promising to make either of them happy. And oh yeah, she was facing the boot from the country. You can only imagine how she would end up thinking that she was not worth the good things in life...
What it did to me is open my eyes. I kept telling her for half a year that the silver lining was close, that jobs and relationships work out if they're meant to and that all she has to do is be herself. That is precisely what she couldn't do through all the doubt and uncertainty. Because that, my friends, is impossible. Doubt and uncertainty, mixed with some shitty experiences that actually feel like we're not good enough, are rodents that come eat your self worth away. How do I know? I've been there. But losing faith in oneself is easy, watching someone else do it is more drastic. There I was, watching a strong, independent woman that obnoxiously smiled all the freaking time when I first met her be reduced to a shell, thinking nice things weren't meant for her. To feel that feeling is normal but it's deceitful. Most people have felt it but hearing it's not true made it feel no less than the truth to me back in the day. Appreciating our own merits has to come from within. Even confirmation does nothing if we don't believe it ourselves.
I have a personality where losing myself can happen very quickly. Once I care for a person, place or thing, it can thoroughly destroy me. It seems silly now because I am also verging on arrogant to protect myself from that side of me but I didn't do bad in life. I have two degrees in random stuff that makes people say "excuse me, what?", I survived two years in the toughest country in the world, I have been a great friend to my friends and I overcame lots of family history bullshit and various sicknesses; I don't really need confidence boosts. But it was all gone when I couldn't find a job, when I wasn't even worth a message of "sorry Sina, we are going with another candidate" to 200 employers all over the world. And I actually begged my ex once to come back to me when this guy treated me like crap. In fact, I've had many a guy walk over me because it felt better to me than losing them. As of late, I lost my self worth in trying to make everyone happy while not really looking out for my own happiness. Funnily enough, the guy who destroyed my self worth told me that would happen. He was wiser than me; nevertheless, he has me sitting here today feeling like appreciating me is too much to ask from people.
Of course, I know it's not true. Of course, my mind tells me I'm great and I deserve everything I have. But the people I cared for did not return that feeling to me. Therefore, when I think of someone, maybe even that person, to do anything that's not 100 percent only going to benefit themselves, but me, I can't imagine that. If it happened, I'd be surprised. Maybe I know they should, but I just don't believe they will. And that way, boom, self worth is gone. Because the moment I okay that behavior I stop demanding their respect. I am currently watching a Russian pensioner dance for his grandchild because she's crying. He doesn't want to dance; he is scratching his head because he's very embarrassed with everyone watching him. But he does it because he wants her to stop crying. Self worth derives of people finding you worthy of effort but to me that just hasn't happened in a while....
I have come to realize that I don't struggle with finding myself worthy but I don't enforce my worth on others. But I should. I don't demand people to appreciate me. Instead, I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Sure, I want to do that. When Fernanda and Richard left, I wanted them to have a nice last night and I was willing to forego anything I wanted that day or night and I loved doing that. Because I love them and their happiness made me happy. Both of them were appreciative of me trying for them but self worth goes to sh** the minute you feel they wouldn't do it for you. That moment you should walk away. Someone who doesn't try is not worth our time. Period. I don't enforce that doctrine. Instead, I try harder. It has nothing to do with self respect and everything with making yourself a target for exploitation. I'd say right now would be a great time to start changing it but it's actually a tough thing to do.
In all the recent debate about power, I realized that not men, but the people I care most about, have power over me. And unfortunately, they have very often exploited that. Most if not all of them would be shocked that their lack of effort for me has destroyed my self worth, some of them, however, have knowingly exercised that power over me. That it resulted in me thinking I'm not good enough or I have to try harder to please them is not their fault, but mine. People don't give you what you don't ask for, although it shouldn't be like that. Those days are over though. I hope. If I recognized one thing in my friends devaluation at the hands of others or circumstancial tragedies, it is that I have been slowly but surely allowing the same thing to happen to me. Those pesky rodents trying to tell me I'm not worth what I have or who I am can go suck it. Even if they're right. Because if I don't believe I'm good enough for my job, my life or a certain individual, neither will anyone else.