Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Eternal Happiness Is Impossible

Today, I was riding my bike through the rain, miserably squinting my eyes so I could see. All I wanted was to get home. My thoughts were drowned out with not water, but music. Because you know what happens when you allow thoughts. For one year now, I have believed myself to be happy. I have and have had everything I ever needed. I consider myself extremely lucky and no detail about my life bothers me (anymore!). And yet, today, while in this empty moment full of horrible rain that should flush out any thought other than "get home quick", I asked myself for the first time in a year "am I unhappy?". I don't understand how it could take so long...

The answer is clear, I am not. I like waking up every day, I don't spend days in my bed not leaving my room much like some time when I lost everything I loved. Life is good to me. My journey through this life has been impeccable and exactly what I would always hope for a life although often hard. Happiness comes from knowing all this, and being grateful for it. Since I know how to do that, I believed I'd never be unhappy again which might or might not stay true. The thoughts that came into my head today were of a different nature though. They were not thoughts, they were feelings. And I haven't had any in a long time.

The reason it is so easy to be happy is that I count my blessings every day and on paper, they look great. Anything other than happiness when living my life would be outrageous. But today I remembered that I am not that person that looks at a sheet of paper and assesses; I'm the girl that closes her eyes and tries to feel. I don't meet people by talking, I don't make decisions by making pros and cons and I rarely ever think about what is "the right thing to do". I have a gut, a body of intuition, and it has seldom let me down. That's where I come from, that's who I am. And as fragile and vulnerable feelings are, this part has stayed concealed from people for many years. In the last year, however, I have hidden them so well I didn't even find them myself.

I said in an earlier post that I think I had learned from the Brits. Their forceful hiding of anything that can be traced to true, raw and life-changing emotion was a way of thinking I had not yet acquainted myself with. I thought maybe, just maybe, my heart leading the way was not the right thing. In the past 390 days of being in this country, I have told many tales, but never the truth. Because the truth is how I'm feeling, how I see the people around me, how very much in love I am with things I cant have. I showed nobody, except for two or three five second breaks where emotions forced their way out, namely in the shape of tears. Almost! But I swallowed them, in true British fashion. There were no tears throughout times that should go down as my hardest. I don't have to get into how that is ridiculous for someone who feels like me.

This hiding of the essence that is me, a cesspool of emotion, feeling, passion and often melancholy, didn't happen voluntarily. I often pride myself on my bravery, having done so many things people are scared of. Most of my peers think I'm a badass because look, that sheet of paper with all my daredevil moves suggests that I am. Having said that, I am scared to feel. So much so that I haven't done it. To really allow myself to acknowledge what has recently happened to me would guarantee feelings, and not the good kind. So I just don't. No acknowledgment of those I love, no acknowledgment of probably the biggest heartbreak of my entire life, no acknowledgment of the anger I feel towards someone who almost ruined my life. I am happy, thats all that mattered.

Happiness is like a drug; I didn't want to let it go. I was able to fool myself into happiness for a year by running away from everything that could threaten it. But now, I'm losing the race. They're getting faster and I'm getting slower. I stayed idle for a long time not changing anything about my situations, sometimes relationships, so that I could keep riding the wave of happiness. Instead, I should have gotten off the wave when it made sense. Sometimes it's right to not be okay. I should really have acknowledged that a while ago and not hide it from myself. It might be the easier way of living, but it isn't mine. I don't write a sheet of paper, I write chronicles. Everyone who has ever seen a glimpse of the part of me I call emotion here has seen the four or five-page letters I compile to express one feeling I have on one given day. In order to be me, I need the chance to write these Chronicles. To write the Chronicles, I need these feelings. And they are forcing their way out now... 

Monday, February 12, 2018

Self Worth: How I Watched Myself Lose Respect

My closest friend in London, and one of my closest friends in life, is an incredible person. She's wearing a fair bit of Latina on her sleeve but tried hard to be 'like us' now that she's here. She has proven to be strong, caring and intelligent. She is creative and open-minded. In short, the girl's a catch! Yet, recently she has had a very hard time, struggling with her boyfriend and the country she had hoped to make a home. With nobody at fault, my friend started talking down her achievements: her recent master's graduation was "not a big deal", the reason she couldn't get a job was that she "wasn't good enough". She was set to settle: for an inferior job that was exploiting her and a relationship that didn't look promising to make either of them happy. And oh yeah, she was facing the boot from the country. You can only imagine how she would end up thinking that she was not worth the good things in life...

What it did to me is open my eyes. I kept telling her for half a year that the silver lining was close, that jobs and relationships work out if they're meant to and that all she has to do is be herself. That is precisely what she couldn't do through all the doubt and uncertainty. Because that, my friends, is impossible. Doubt and uncertainty, mixed with some shitty experiences that actually feel like we're not good enough, are rodents that come eat your self worth away. How do I know? I've been there. But losing faith in oneself is easy, watching someone else do it is more drastic. There I was, watching a strong, independent woman that obnoxiously smiled all the freaking time when I first met her be reduced to a shell, thinking nice things weren't meant for her. To feel that feeling is normal but it's deceitful. Most people have felt it but hearing it's not true made it feel no less than the truth to me back in the day. Appreciating our own merits has to come from within. Even confirmation does nothing if we don't believe it ourselves.

I have a personality where losing myself can happen very quickly. Once I care for a person, place or thing, it can thoroughly destroy me. It seems silly now because I am also verging on arrogant to protect myself from that side of me but I didn't do bad in life. I have two degrees in random stuff that makes people say "excuse me, what?", I survived two years in the toughest country in the world, I have been a great friend to my friends and I overcame lots of family history bullshit and various sicknesses; I don't really need confidence boosts. But it was all gone when I couldn't find a job, when I wasn't even worth a message of "sorry Sina, we are going with another candidate" to 200 employers all over the world. And I actually begged my ex once to come back to me when this guy treated me like crap. In fact, I've had many a guy walk over me because it felt better to me than losing them. As of late, I lost my self worth in trying to make everyone happy while not really looking out for my own happiness. Funnily enough, the guy who destroyed my self worth told me that would happen. He was wiser than me; nevertheless, he has me sitting here today feeling like appreciating me is too much to ask from people.

Of course, I know it's not true. Of course, my mind tells me I'm great and I deserve everything I have. But the people I cared for did not return that feeling to me. Therefore, when I think of someone, maybe even that person, to do anything that's not 100 percent only going to benefit themselves, but me, I can't imagine that. If it happened, I'd be surprised. Maybe I know they should, but I just don't believe they will. And that way, boom, self worth is gone. Because the moment I okay that behavior I stop demanding their respect. I am currently watching a Russian pensioner dance for his grandchild because she's crying. He doesn't want to dance; he is scratching his head because he's very embarrassed with everyone watching him. But he does it because he wants her to stop crying. Self worth derives of people finding you worthy of effort but to me that just hasn't happened in a while....

I have come to realize that I don't struggle with finding myself worthy but I don't enforce my worth on others. But I should. I don't demand people to appreciate me. Instead, I do whatever it takes to make them happy. Sure, I want to do that. When Fernanda and Richard left, I wanted them to have a nice last night and I was willing to forego anything I wanted that day or night and I loved doing that. Because I love them and their happiness made me happy. Both of them were appreciative of me trying for them but self worth goes to sh** the minute you feel they wouldn't do it for you. That moment you should walk away. Someone who doesn't try is not worth our time. Period. I don't enforce that doctrine. Instead, I try harder. It has nothing to do with self respect and everything with making yourself a target for exploitation. I'd say right now would be a great time to start changing it but it's actually a tough thing to do.

In all the recent debate about power, I realized that not men, but the people I care most about, have power over me. And unfortunately, they have very often exploited that. Most if not all of them would be shocked that their lack of effort for me has destroyed my self worth, some of them, however, have knowingly exercised that power over me. That it resulted in me thinking I'm not good enough or I have to try harder to please them is not their fault, but mine. People don't give you what you don't ask for, although it shouldn't be like that. Those days are over though. I hope. If I recognized one thing in my friends devaluation at the hands of others or circumstancial tragedies, it is that I have been slowly but surely allowing the same thing to happen to me. Those pesky rodents trying to tell me I'm not worth what I have or who I am can go suck it. Even if they're right. Because if I don't believe I'm good enough for my job, my life or a certain individual, neither will anyone else. 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

Three Months Late To The Party: #MeToo, too!

I've had almost a week in the sun with nothing but my thoughts, waiting for original thought. I read one book about English humor, spoke to many friends about Egyptian culture and revisited my childhood with my sister. Very clearly, I came here to reflect not to look forward. Totally involuntarily, I came back to the topic of the decade and realized that despite thinking about it for the best part of the last decade, I actually missed volumes. That topic is sexual assault, gender equality and a whole load of fucking injustice. "Wait a minute", you may say, "you DIDN'T think about this, Sina?" It is what I talked about for years, being one of the loudest voices pro-feminism in my circles, and yet I missed so much. While I watched #MeToo as an onlooker, thinking there was nothing new for me to be learned, I was ignorant, once again. It took until today for me to see... 

I entered a restaurant at my hotel in Sharm El Sheikh tonight. Within two minutes at the place, the waiter had asked me if I have a boyfriend, two had catcalled me and all of them had stared at me. I think by now we have all agreed that this behavior sucks and needs to stop. I always saw it, I always felt annoyed by it, and I didn't need #MeToo to find the courage to criticize it and demand change. There is the obvious shit like that, and there is the other kind, the worse one because it's so hard to fight: the unconscious superiority, the inherited privilege that as a man coercion and exploitation is an easy feat some might not even know they are possessing. When I love someone, I work for them or need anything from them, they have power. And they do not realize they are using it. 

I'm months late to the party but I genuinely only realized three days ago that I had #MeToo stories I never wanted to share. Many, actually. I am worse than most of the women that shared so far; they actually realized they had something to share. I didn't. I thought I'm definitely not scared to share anything, I was just nose-deep in motherfucking oppression to even realize I had men take advantage of me. And now I see: I am scared. This is private. And although I shouldn't be embarrassed, I am! But that's what I do, overcome what I'm scared of. In recent history, I was disrespected by men I had sex with plenty, and I mean plenty. And here I am, colloquially telling a public audience including past and present employers, workmates and family members, that me having sex with men had consequences that are very private. But I realize this is the world we now live in; a world in which my personal experience with sexual assault is not a matter I manage behind closed doors but that is part of my personality that doesn't need to be hidden.

I could talk about many experiences. I've been hurt by people I slept with a lot. It's what happens when you like someone and they have the power to hurt you. Someone you sleep with, you don't ignore the next day. Not cool. But there are many weird stories, too. I had a guy I crashed with one night film me in the morning, while I was fully dressed, never even touched him. Countless guys said to me about other girls they slept with that they are "stupid" or shit in bed. Or, a nice favorite from someone I was actually sort of in love with, I am gross because of some bodily fluids that I can't stop from flowing. Nice! Well done, men! But I'm not here to be the feminist blame bomb, not all women are great, and I can understand the argument that I probably didn't make the mistake of sleeping with men but sleeping with assholes. Just because Azis Anzari is one, doesn't mean they all are.

My most violated experiences actually come from my relationships. People who loved me. So here we are: they probably never meant for me to get hurt. But I got hurt big time. In recent history, I cut ties with a guy who I know cared about me for a long time but not to the extent where I was able to leave a room after sleeping with him without feeling like I was nothing but an ends to a mean. I had feelings for the man that he knew of and boom, I'm the target! It's very easy to coerce a woman into sleeping with you if you make her feel like she is wrong for not wanting to. I can't blame him for being selfish when it was that easy to get away with it. Oh, no, wait, I CAN! Just because I'm a flipping idiot, I believe, a man could opt for the right way, that is, not use me. This is really hard to admit but, of course, I was stupid. I could have said no. But I was under the impression until just a few days ago, that is, that to keep him, I'd have to. And he played with that. 

And then there are the times I said no. The tough one. The one that is hard to admit because it came from someone I loved, who loved me. Someone I believed didn't want to accept the no out of love. I'm a smart woman and don't eat mens' shit very often but one can't claim I've experienced a lot of love in my life. So for me to please the people I love, sexually or not, is a toxic environment. Someone who loves me deserves to be loved back, right? You can see where I went wrong. A very hard to admit example of this is a man I loved ignoring my "no", abusing me emotionally and verbally for attempting to say no until my no became a yes. Out of guilt. And that happened to me. ME! I think those who know me would be surprised because I'm strong and I stand up for myself. And that's how I know that we have a problem: Because I am all these things, and if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone. 

Love doesn't make this better. I have tried to excuse men being abusive to me by finding the fault within myself, as women do. It's completely incorrect to do that and it took me 30 years to figure out. Unfortunately, I came to see that I come from an upbringing that, subconsciously, taught me to be like that. My childhood and family could have done a better job at empowering me to be anything but a habitat for a fetus. I can take people I don't care about me hurting me very well but when I actually care, these human beings are in the prime position to exploit me. And many men have for the sake of their sexual pleasure. Being strong and courageous didn't spare me that experience, it just obviously prevented this blog. That shall now be over, along with me excusing that behavior. Just as much as men have to change their thinking, I do: To discover self-worth, I clearly haven't understood myself that a woman is worth just as much as a man is. 

Monday, January 29, 2018

How I Became a Little Mix Fan - Although I Hate Little Mix

I remember the day very well: The X Factor final at Wembley in 2012. I was but the last person from my circle of friends who actually still watched and even I had missed the majority of the live shows. How Little Mix ended up in the final though was a mystery to me. They were four randomly chosen chicks that shouted into a microphone. Fulfilling the formula of a group with ethnicities ranging from the blonde chick to the black chick, Little Mix had only made it that far because people sorta wanted a group to win. In the final they were facing a seriously talented guy called Marcus Canty. Well, he lost, nobody ever heard of him again and Little Mix are now Little Mix.

I watched their progression with awe. Sometimes you have artists with so much talent to be on stage you see them as background singers and know they will just make it to the front one day. Many people can sing, many can dance, many look great. But that certain something you can't teach. In fact, talent then is secondary. Having said that, all four members of Little Mix don't have it. They can sing, they can dance and they're very good-looking. But after years in the business, if Little Mix disappeared tomorrow, you could cast four talented chicks in their role and hardly anyone would notice they're even gone at all.

The reason I never bought Little Mix was the apparent dependency on a great set of producers. Damn, their tunes are catchy! Most Little Mix songs make me want to kill myself but shit, I can't stop singing them. It's the perfect music to clean. If I was trying to get a crowd in a good mood, I'd for sure play that crap. So basically, I'm a huge Little Mix fan. Little Mix just has almost nothing to do with these four chicks. They seem awesome enough, lots of attention on their music obviously came from their high profile relationships, but whether Little Mix sing "Touch" or one of the other dozens, makes no difference to me. I enjoyed their dancing in the video, they're very hot mommas, and I like when girl groups dress as "slutty" as they want but have an empowering message because you can be both an independent woman and a scarcely dressed girl with way too much make up if that's what you like being. For that message I'm thankful but again, was that Little Mix or a good stylist, writer or producer? Probably the latter.

I would never want to take away from Little Mix' success and despite me spending 30 mins writing about this now, I really don't care. But I think I found a silver lining anyways: an artist is never just the artist. Like I love Michael Jackson, he's the greatest and everyone agrees. While he had "it", I'm pretty sure he didn't design all of his outfits, the "Earth Song" video wasn't written by him and that nose he didn't construct himself either. All these things combined made Michael Jackson, the artist, though. And people loved it. Now Jesy, LeAnn, Perrie and Jade might have less "it" than the big ones, but their act works. I can't wait to listen to "Power" again and return to the UK and live by that. So much more that a song, it's just the fucking truth and songs like that are important. So thank you, Little Mix, whatever that means, for existing...

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Chaos or Order - What's Better?

While I was sunbathing on the beach in Egypt, a lady next to me was blasting the German radio. At the time, the traffic info was announcing that somewhere in the particularly organized country a ladder was lying on the Autobahn and urging drivers to be careful. Sitting in Egypt, I couldn't help but smirk: the amount of times some shit lies on the biggest street in Cairo, or the street just ending without warning, is untraceable. A similar smirk happened when I saw that someone tried to put up a trash can on Dahab corniche. Like, a trash can is a great idea but it needs the process of emptying as well. And that's how I got to my thought: Process: good or bad? I'm arguably the best person to comment. I lived and worked in utter chaos and now belong to a company that finds a process for "making mistakes", in other words, a process that can never exist. So what is better, letting the ladder lie on the Ring Road or stressing over how it can never happen again, only it will?

Spoiler alert: I definitely prefer process. Order. Rules. At least when comparing them to the chaos of Egypt that made me, the German German, cringe so much. But: Egypt definitely left its traces. Working at Amazon, a place that can only survive as well as it does because those thousands of people are processed like it's goods, I often think "yo, let's get on with it." At the same time, I'm not sure just chilling out once in a while is the better way and I'm not ignorant enough to think that I would manage a situation better than a tech giant that very visibly did something right to become, well, Amazon. But it annoys me. And it's not like me. My performance suffered sometimes because I wasn't keeping a note diary, so I started doing that, or because I wasn't scheduling my day at 8.30 (I'm not doing that, but I probably should). It's a personal challenge rather than a professional one but that's cool, I think. Makes me reassess what I'm doing, and a job should do that.

Many things in Egypt don't work because they're not managed or corrupted. At the same time, I know dozens of people that love that about Egypt. Many Germans, raped by bureaucracy to get everything you need in life, like they can bribe their way out of situations because it's unarguably easier. They like that in Egypt you can do things and then think, and that you don't have to plan every step. It's true, flexibility is great, even Jeff B. would agree. But with flexibility comes chaos. A city council is where dreams and passion go to die, but they put them trash cans in the street and empty them. Without those dark creatures in the concrete buildings, we'd have no trash cans. No process, no trash cans. And trash cans are good 

I like flexible working times, that I can go home early sometimes because I worked five hours longer last week (although I leave early, like, never) but in Egypt, "flexible" just meant I was working at ten at night every other Saturday. In the UK, process, the law and my bureaucratic right as an employee made sure I'm sitting here at the beach relaxing although I procrastinate taking holidays. These processes and rules make it easy for me to check if I'm doing ok although I hate checklists with a passion. However, just having an apathy towards something, as I do, doesn't mean it sucks. Take the biggest party in Germany, for example: I detest them and would never vote for them due to my personal apathy but they quite obviously don't actually suck. Evidence? The German state. Point made!

I see the chaos in Egypt and although it has left its mark on me, I will never miss it. I love my order and the processes I work with every day. Most of them don't come naturally to me but I see their value. Many of them make me roll my eyes and I struggle to see, as an individual, where they will actually lead to change but I'd rather see ten useless processes than the chaos I saw only this week. I'm not kidding, last night at dinner, my company was discussing the right spelling of the word "Maalesh" (or, is that how you could spell it?), a word used by me every day at least five times. Mindboggingly, there is no right spelling because, guess what, centralizing spelling is a process that has never taken place in Egypt. Between what is right and what is wrong, chaos leaves too much room for interpretation. But some things shouldn't be left to interpret. 

For me to prefer order obviously doesn't mean it is the better way, yet, it has proven the more successful one. Apply the management of the Egyptian state to any company and you will see it fail. If Donald Trump can manage the only superpower on this planet like a multi-million-dollar company, then we should probably refrain from reversing that motion when the blueprint is a country with 90 million people completely unaware how to show up somewhere at two oclock if that's when they said they'd be there. Being late is not a problem for many but when has a person who is always late ever been promoted. Even Beyonce has to be on time, as the Super Bowl Halftime Show certainly won't wait even for a Queen. So don't be like Egypt, don't be chaotic and unreliable. Or do, but please don't work with me then. 

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

"This blog sucks": Writing about "Writer's Block"

When Richard left, he gave me a book. My first week at the job I had asked him what his favorite book was and he had told me it's 'Vile Bodies' by Evelyn Waughn. Richard trying to be an enigma, I thought I'd read Evelyn Waughn. Really, I just wanted to know if Richard was smart at all; an assumption easily made after reading one's favorite book. But I never did. Now that Richard gave me that book, a book that smart people would read, I rediscovered that things can be said, or said beautifully. In our job, we express ourselves in tiny stories. In a way, not much individual expression takes place. Reading Evelyn Waughn on my holiday, this much needed time away from a very numbing last few months in terms of real passion for the words, I now see my writing and expression has taken a beating. But it's not the tiny story that killed it; it's the inevitability of losing the words when feelings are bottled up. And that's pretty much all I've been doing...

I recently mentioned my blog a few times. My team at work said they had read it and two of my friends were looking for clues about my life in that messy writing. While I heard I was read, I didn't feel good. Whatever I've been saying is not profound or helpful or even entertaining to anyone but it helped me make things clear to myself sometimes. If I write for myself, I can also fool myself. But not if its public. Hence, in these relatively emotional times, it's been hard to pen truths because I really can't say anything at all. My emotions are influenced by other people's miseries or lives, I have no right to discuss that. So in this moment, sitting on a train on the way to say goodbye to my best friend in London, then onto a plane to take me to Egypt, there's a plethora of emotional material. But my mind is empty. I have no words. It shouldn't be like that...

The things that have occupied my thoughts have no cure than to get away from here for a bit. As discussed, I have given my feelings absolutely no time to exist. Since August, I have drowned myself in work so a certain amount of thinking didn't have to be done. I have avoided decisions and I have procrastinated change. As a result, the words simply don't come. Beauty, misery, heartache, that's the fuel for words, not routine and comfort. I didn't want to let go of this blissful feeling I had since coming to Cambridge because of my job, my life, my relationships. There were many, many sources of happiness for me in the past year and only a few sources of confusion or sadness. I didn't give them space, and now they're demanding space.

Many people have told me they're simple people, that what I see is what I get, and I don't understand how and why they think that being "simple" is a quality. I am definitely not part of their club, neither do I try to be, I think that's fairly obvious. But there's also no way that other people are just sufficiently different from me and can just accept things that are affecting lives without experiencing emotional repercussions. Maybe I'm wrong. A friend once told me he started working with the homeless so he could "feel anything" because he wasn't even feeling empathy anymore. So really, being simple doesn't mean normal, it means apathetic. My two favorite people to leave the country within a week is forcing a reaction. I can push it away like I have, but to step away, go to a beach all alone, and take two weeks to think about it, apathy will be the last thing I feel. I'm excited about it because said reaction might bring the hunger for action back, for grabbing a pen and paper and writing stuff up. The last thing I would even want to be is apathetic. If I am, creativity dies. 

The space I need to consult these losses and, really, the past few months, can't be made at home. Lord knows, what I really want to do is stay in my room, sleep for two weeks and do anything but work. Truth is, all I would be doing is watch movies with my Spaniards, drink gin and tonic and eat crap because I'm too lazy to cook. Routines are toxic if you want to make a change. My change is coming: I need to ban a few people from the heart because they left or should be leaving, have to identify something else to keep me entertained but that somewhat reckless behavior I sometimes show and, finally, have to answer a few procrastinated questions. Well, I don't have to do any of that but it's a good idea and I'd like to be smart. Lord knows I haven't been... No harm done, but it needs to stop. Mamma needs to get some distance and reevaluate. As comfortable as it would be, home isn't the most fertile ground for original thought.

My writing has definitely suffered. Okay, before I was a mess and often unhappy but even sadness is fodder for the words. What needs to come back is not the talent or ability to write but the willingness to allow those feelings. Sure, most of my writing was ranting, but once in a while my insane thinking produced wisdom and made my life easier in the process. Today, I'm too busy to think. I try not to because the only rational conclusion to be made of my decisions in the last few months would be that I'm stupid. That doesn't feel good to realize. But that would be writing that means something. That would be a message. And learning could happen as a result. This "sticking to what I know works" is running away from the potential for growth. If I stay in my hood, don't consider change or the possibility that my directions could be wrong, I won't move. And moving is what I ultimately need to do if I want my writing, my thoughts to come back. This can't happen at home. And so I go to Egypt, a place that has done this for me, in pursuit to come back with the answer; the answer to how not to get stuck, break free from bad habits and let originality back into a life that has changed drastically from a month ago.

Monday, January 15, 2018

Emotions in Sinas World: Have I Actually Become English?

Here they come, my first words of 2018. Of course, I write for a living, already wrote dozens of tiny stories for my job, but there I'm a robot, here I am me. Or whats left of me. Sina, the writer, has taken a beating. This blog used to reflect my every thought, all the small things I was feeling. Today, I have too many secrets I can't address in a blog or developed an apathy to most things that made me feel things. One year in England and I have stopped feeling, great! Sort of. By the end of 2017, I didn't even feel sad about bad things happening anymore. This week, I had to say a very hard goodbye and yet, I'm writing this without crying. In fact, I haven't cried about it yet. Or at all since, like, the day I found out he'd be leaving. Have the English actually stained my personality?

I can speak openly about my devastation about my last goodbye because the departed never reads this. One time he did, made fun of me although the post was about him in a way, and then forgot I sometimes do this. At the same time, he would mock me for the expressive way of my feelings because he is the epitome of English: he has no feelings or at least tries his hardest to make himself think that. If he does read one day, he will learn nothing new when seeing that he was my favorite colleague. It's a very well-kept secret...not! Whereas sometimes I have used my writing to express things to people I wasn't comfortable talking about, I'm happy this guy wouldn't be surprised reading this. He might be surprised about my emotional stability over him leaving though but since he's English and doesn't feel and all, nothing makes a difference...

From day one at Amazon, I knew Richard and I would be friends. On day two, approximately, I told him that. Three months later, he finally obliged after a period of pointless resistance. You could say I left no choice but only because I knew I was right. And as of the day he left England for good, he had become pretty important to me even outside the office. But enough about Richard and more about myself: losing an integral part of your life for almost a year would be hard for me even if it wasn't someone I liked as much. In November, a guy from the other side of the office left and I choked up. For two months, I knew Richard would be leaving, and obviously I wasn't happy, just happy for him. It was easier because I supported his plan to leave and was probably more excited about his new opportunity than he was (Richard doesn't get excited in my sense of the word) but I thought I'd die when he leaves. And then he left and I held it together... So not like me! 

This is big news because I cried for a large part of my life. Everything that ever happened to me, good or bad, I cry. I feel ten things at the same time, I reconsider my whole life and I write epic blogs I can't wait to reread when I have decided how to feel about the issues. All this has changed. Sure thing, I miss Richard, but maybe I have just said goodbye too much. I do feel sad, I really do dislike coming to a Richard-free office and I pure hated speaking to him while imagining he's upsdie down to me at the other side of the planet but yo, I'll get over it. I pout and all, but losses have usually cost me weeks of brainpower. Whatever im feeling about the situation isn't even worth a blog; the fact I don't feel it is the story. 

Maybe I'm growing up and stuff doesn't affect me as much anymore. It's one possibility. But maybe I have actually learned from the English. I'm even sitting here drinking tea right now, and when I'm not it's usually a Gin & Tonic. Maybe this bottling-up-business does work, too. Hell, I have probably been doing that for the majority of 2017. What I feel changes on the daily and whenever I think about it, I just dismiss my thoughts. That's very much what I was doing with Richard's departure as well: dismiss. And I still don't really accept it because I'll probably see him soon. All easy, right? No need to think or feel. Everything is awesome! So English, yet so true. I did know this all my life, just implementing was always impossible. Maybe now that "no emotion" is the only emotion I ever get surrounded with, it's finally possible for me to also leave the heart behind and just live...

The part I never got about the English and probably have to change my mind about is that "no emotion" is not a bad emotion. To me, when an English man I saw earlier in 2017 said he doesn't feel, I immediately considered that a bad trait. I thought he'd be cold, not feeling. And when I realized he wasn't cold but a lovely man, sorta, I thought the assessment he didn't feel must be a lie. That isn't true. Suppressing feelings, controlling them, or not acknowledging them does not mean there are no feelings; it's just a way of handling them I for one have never tried. Right now, I am doing that and it's working, about a few things in life. I have some other things on my mind but  the devastating departure of my favorite  colleague and I just don't address them successfully. That ain't me, yo. In fact, I'm amazed I can do it. I doubt I'll ever manage to be cold. But I've only been in England for a year, who knows, next thing I know, I might actually start laughing about their jokes, too.