Friday, January 29, 2016

Another Year Older, Another Step Closer...

I am sat in a gorgeous office, surrounded by palm trees, and get paid a pretty decent wage for my job as well. At the same time, I have free time so that I can do my writing, charity and networking without having to expect stress or poverty. It is fair to say, I live a very good life, I got very lucky and I am happy. However, last week I turned 27 and, just like every year, now the question of "What is this year going to lead to?" has to sooner or later be answered. The closer it gets to the "freeze an egg"-years, the more I feel like this lifestyle of not planning what I am going to do next to give all opportunities a chance is getting outdated. And so my birthday and subsequent Sinai holiday forced me to realize that with every year that goes by a plan is more urgently needed.

Just because there is nothing wrong with my life does not mean that it should stay like this forever. For this year, I have bigger ambitions than ever. I have wind in my sails to make this year the beginning of the rest of my life in a quite non-cheesy, literal way. This year, I finally hope to find a place of residence and the profession I always wanted. I no longer want to be a vagabond; I am actually yearning for a place to call home, or for the sake of modesty I would already be happy with a definite country. I have been to 30 countries, and so I found around 25 countries I cannot see myself living in. Unfortunately, the rules of elimination have not ended in me coming to terms with the solution. Yes, the present is great and I wouldn't change anything about it, but the future will soon start and I'm ready for the answers...

It is completely obvious to me that my 28th birthday will not be another escape from deserted Cairo on January 25 but a celebration of finally having found a way to escape that desert for good. I don't dislike anything about my life in Cairo and I feel very happy with my achievements. The truth is, however, that there is little to achieve left. Of course I'm not famous yet and have many other things that I could work for which mean something to me, but the achievement I truly seek in life is close to exhausted here. I have to ask myself what I want in five years to make a plan about how I can use this year to get there, and not just voice the dream of becoming a world-class journalist in my circles. Just staying in Cairo, working my various jobs, will not make that happen.

So the cards are dealt and it looks very much like winning my game will require a "Bon Voyage!" soon. That is not a scary thought at all since I have been ready to leave Cairo for quite some time. It is the arriving somewhere else that makes my back hair stand up. The toughest question, of course, is "Where will I arrive?". The answer has to consider multiple factors! There are not just the choices of jobs and countries I have to consider but the choices of people and progression. I don't want another step in coming close to the path I should go, I want to get on that track. The aim is to get closer to the ultimate goal, and these stalling techniques that people tend to do when they're comfortable are not going to work out for me...

What's incredible to me is that I know where this movement I'm craving is supposed to take me. I know where I will want the road to go, and I don't think of the aim necessarily as a country, town or place. I know that the progress I want is not connected to just one physical location. What holds people back from achieving the things I want to achieve in the future is fear, and I have a considerable amount of it. I am scared of trying and failing which is so much worse than resigning before it could come to disappointment. And of course I am afraid of rejection because all things I currently want are not just for me to decided to be mine. I have this plan that I need for progress but, much like all good things in life, that plan is not a unilateral decision to be made. Therefore, what I want for my following year of life is the courage, and nothing but the courage, to pursue what I want and think I deserve. It's not just for me to decide if I get it or not... 

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Why I Could Never Be On The Bachelor

Couldn't love him more if I tried... 
Wheey, another post about my favorite show: The Bachelor! Sina, the closet romantic who would never openly admit to having feelings at all, has a dark secret and she's not even embarrassed about it: she has a crush on Ben Higgins! That's right, this year's Bachelor actually almost had me applying for the show because TV had convinced me I'm looking at my future husband. I don't even judge that crazy girl Olivia for being obsessed with him; if I ever laid eyes on him I would probably also succumb to insane day dreams of watching him make me dinner every day for the rest of my life, naked, as well. And although I believe I have just missed out on meeting the man I am supposed to marry on TV, I considered if I could ever be on that show. The answer is a resounding NO!

I have never been a jealous person, and I don't really get jealous of other girls in general. If I am with someone and he chooses to screw it up, fine, his loss! But if I was with The Bachelor, while 26 other women are, too, and he wouldn't even have to make efforts to make me, and only me, feel special, jealousy would probably kill me. I have recently found out that I do, in fact, sometimes have jealous sentiments but only when the boy in question is not mine. One year with my ex-boyfriend I never got jealous even when I saw chicks trying because I knew, at the end of the day, he would go home with me. Once we were separated, though, seeing chicks talk to him made me boil, though. And Ben Higgins? He'd be my boyfriend without any obligation to come home with me... that wouldn't work!

I can easily accept somebody cheating on me. If that happened I wouldn't even shed a tear to tell the guy to get out of my life and feel sorry for him for throwing away my love, because it's good! But on The Bachelor, he isn't even cheating. These girls have to watch him make out with other girls and they don't even have the right to get mad because, well, they signed up for it. I don't wanna hear, know, or especially see the guy I like be with another girl even if he's not my boyfriend, or everyone else's too. At the cocktail parties the abc crew would see me hiding in the bathroom until Ben would come to find me, and then my constant insecurity would require him to tell me over and over that it's me he will choose in the end. Since he wouldn't do that I might as well just clear out now...

I like myself and don't usually feel threatened by girls because I seldom feel like forcing something that should come naturally, so insecurity isn't usually a problem for me. Everyone is free to not choose me and I'd never want to be with someone who wouldn't, even if his name is Ben Higgins. But seeing this pool of absolutely mindblowingly gorgeous girl I'd probably feel like Jay Z waking up next to Beyonce every day; they're just a whole lot hotter than me! Sure, I might have better qualities to some boys, but Ben wouldn't have a penis if these looks wouldn't get in the way of his decision. There is no way I'd walk up to these girls like the contestant Lace and say "I haven't really seen anyone who could compete with me?" What are you talking about, Lace? They are all competition, they are all too hot for their own good and pretttty awesome on top, and if I was Ben I wouldn't choose me...

With a history like mine you really can't be in any kind of relationship that isn't reassuring. They keep saying they trust The Bachelor and their relationship or connection or whatever, but Mamma ain't a trusting person. It's not even unlikely I wouldn't believe Ben I was "The One" even after he proposed to me on national TV, so how could I ever think I'm chill enough (or "trusting") to go through that whole show. I didn't even trust my own father, why would I trust an insanely good-looking national celebrity? Maybe taking part in the show to become one myself, upping my Twitter game a bit and boosting my blog would be a shout, but then, let's face it, I would just fall in love with Ben Higgins, let's not fool ourselves... how could you not? He's adorable!

Evidently, I did my "finding myself" homework before I went on reality TV unlike that chick Lace who just left last night's episode to "try loving herself before she can love someone else". What I learned from that is that I can't be on The Bachelor because I'm crazy in a non-entertaining way, like that girl Samantha that went looking for onions around the Bachelor mansion last season. I'd cry almost the entire time, try to bribe producers to boycott the other contestants, and wouldn't believe Ben that "our connection is real" because he's just too damn good-looking. It's not necessarily insecurity but rather the result of previous experience that hot boys are just very seldom nice people who don't lie, so Ben would have a hard time to make me believe him, which would of course not stop my obsession with him. In short: I'm just not cool enough! Oh well, I don't want to be famous anyways...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

How Has Leo Never Won An Oscar?

When I was 15 years old, I wanted to become a Hollywood Star. Since I was 11 I got up for the Oscars in the middle of the night in Germany and went to school right after it. My first big disappointment was Haley Joel Osment missing out to Kevin Spacey one year, and even then I was 11 and didn't speak English, so I was watching a show I didn't understand for four hours just because I wanted to be a famous actress and director one day and marry a grown up Osment. Since then, I have lost my love for him, that particular profession and even movies. These days, I'll be lucky to have seen a single movie that is nominated, and when I try I fall asleep. One may say I know nothing about Hollywood and what deserves our respect in the film business anymore. But one thing I do know: Leo DiCaprio needs an Oscar!

Yeah, yeah, I know...
Every year Leonardo DiCaprio is nominated for the Oscar he happens to be one of the favorites to win, and then he loses to names such as Forrest Whittaker and Matthew McConaughey, the same guy famous for his performances in Wedding Planner and How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days. It's a disgrace! You know you suck as an actor if J.Lo outperforms you. With all these horrendously ridiculous names beating Leo to an Oscar, it's time to analyze the jokes that have a little trophy in their bedroom where Leo still keeps his sixty Golden Globe Awards.

When Titanic came out, I was one of the few girls who weren't in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. By the time Leo was catapulted into superstardom, I thought his best performance was already behind him. That's right, What's Eating Gilbert Grape? was, in my eyes, the most amazing DiCaprio movie, and I only found out a few years later that the actor who played a Gilbert's mentally disabled brother was in fact not mentally disabled. Talk about a convincing performance! Of course, back then I was 10 and had no idea who Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio were. Now, I have never really seen a Tommy Lee Jones movie other than Double Jeopardy so I can't judge if young Leo lost out to a great. In other years that's much easier to assess...

2005 Leo lost out to Jamie Foxx, a guy playing a blind guy. Nobody doubts that was incredible, but it's like the only good thing Jamie Foxx ever did, except collaborating with Kanye on the song Gold Digger. Leonardo DiCaprio, back then, had only been nominated for an Oscar twice and everyone knew there'd be a third time so they opted for the Ray Charles impersonation. Playing Ray Charles looks like one of the easiest things ever (and I would know, because Ray used to be on The Nanny), I wasn't that excited about it. The same year Johnny Depp also lost out again, so one year they have this pool of amazing actors that have been waiting for way too long, and one year they have Hilary Swank walking away with Oscar Number Two. The world is a cruel place...

Then we arrive at my favorite year: 2007 Leo lost to Forrest Whittaker. If you do not recognize this name I am not surprised. Another person that had to win that year because the academy knew there would never, ever be another year this guy would have a shot at it. And, what a surprise, Forrest Whittaker is, well, nowhere. The only thing that differentiates him from Leonardo DiCaprio is that he has an Oscar and no success as opposed to the other way around. This goes to show that in comparison with Leo DiCaprio even good actors are lame, even if they have an Oscar and he doesn't. The next example, however, is the true dagger in a heart...

Two years ago the Academy had two chances to give Leo his Oscar, and I'm glad they didn't so that he can take center stage this year... finally! Instead, a very big name walked away with the award: Matthew McConaughey, a man so talented he's known for RomComs, car advertisements and having a name nobody knows how to spell. I knew he was a great one when I first saw him in Fool's Gold, a movie so good everyone loved it. If you as a reader can't pick up on my overwhelming sarcasm in making these statements, you are the fool. The day I saw Matthew Mc-whatever go home with an Oscar and Leo was still sitting there like a younger, better-looking Peter O'Toole, I chose to give up!

It is quite evident that the entire Academy always knew this day would come, and now it's finally upon us: Leo will win the Oscar! I feel bad for otherwise pretty awesome actors who are, for the first time, completely without chance of winning; appears that back in the day having Leo nominated was almost a clear ticket to the Academy Award! These days are over! I can't wait for Leo to walk up from front row and receive his standing ovation. And I, for one, am happy it took until now because he's just so much more of an awesome (and hotter) version of himself today and Giselle Bundchen won't be there
! And now that that's done, we got to focus on getting Joaquin Phoenix an Oscar, and then we might as well stop caring about it all together... 

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Why I'm Not Afraid


Hardly a day has gone by since I started watching the news where death isn't reported on: murder, terrorism and violence, you name it, is not the product of my GTA obsession. To get bad news about the world I simply need to switch on the TV. There were times not too long ago when the region I live in was still considered to be a dangerous area. Any Foreign Service I ever encountered told people not to go to Egypt, as well as many dozen other countries, in fear of attacks for whatever reason, so the day I decided to move to the Middle East in 2014 many people were scratching their heads and warning me. That of course hasn't changed now. What did change, though, is the fact that it appears the whole world is a huge old death trap now. 

My life hasn't necessarily become safer in the last years. One may argue that Egypt isn't the most secure spot to live. In the last few months we had a few shootings, a plane crash, and we also do have three not-so-peaceful borders. Oops! Miraculously, I am still alive. The reason my heart still beats, however, is not that I avoid large gatherings, the metro or tourist areas because ISIS is out to kill me. Fun fact, everyone: they want to kill you, too, even (or more so) if you live in the West. Last time I checked they didn't try to bomb our stadiums which would be sooo much easier. And the last time we lost almost a hundred people at a concert it wasn't ISIS. Egypt also has way less guns than, let's say, California alone, so no San Bernadino-esque shootings here, either. Why do you think you're safer in the West?

Fact is that, thanks to terrorism and widespread insanity among people, danger doesn't even need to come from any other place on the map, such as the Middle East (James Holmes, Adam Lanza, cough cough, etc.). There is no safe place anymore except, maybe, your bedroom if you don't use any electronics. Other than sincerely doubting that the streets of Cairo are more prone to violence and murder than Western counterparts, I actually have to wonder why stunning holiday resorts and breathtaking tourist attractions are pretty much deserted because Western tourists fear for their life coming to Egypt. It genuinely looks more likely to be shot at an American high school to me than in this city full of people that are so, so tired of violence and chaos. Of course there are black sheep, but what would we call the Holmes' and Lanzas anywhere else?

To die in Cairo of a terrorist attack among 20 million people is so much less likely than being ran over by a car, That's a danger here, yes, but terrorism? Not really! At least not more than anywhere else. The German Embassy told people not to go to Paris following Charlie Hebdo and Bataclan, and why? We also have shootings in small towns, drunk drivers on the streets of every country that could kill you any day and insane murderers with access to firearms who choose victims just as random as these Daesh guys. If you want to live in fear it is really easy to do that these days. Instead, you could just be like me and enjoy life and not be afraid and reap the benefits of living a life away from fear.

The truth is that when I walk down the streets of Cairo, I was made to believe, I shouldn't flash my jewelry or possessions. I wouldn't be that careful in Germany, would I? So I stopped doing it here, too, believing that Egyptians are no more of a rapist, burglar or murderer than the Germans, and so far that has worked out well. To assume that they are more violent makes absolutely no sense. I feel 100% safe. If anyone would mug me in this city he's have a hard time escaping the mob I would call in the streets that would chase him with a stick, never mind that punishment here is much rougher. On top of that I choose to only fill my thoughts only with positive energy and will therefore attract only nice, helpful people and security. It's "the secret", yo!

Once you choose to live a life away from fear you're going to have a much better time. Hand on your heart, has your life, security or comfort benefited from taking to the streets and protesting against the dangers associated with welcoming Middle Eastern refugees in your country? It sure hasn't. Instead, you will find it hard to sleep at night. I actually once sang at a prison, and these rapists were incredibly thankful and peaceful to me. Our perception of danger is faulty, and we cannot let it direct our life. There is good and bad in everyone, and you can be unlucky everywhere in the world to cross someone's path that means harm. If, however, you decide to not be scared anymore you have the chance to make incredible Syrian refugee friends, vacation for less in Egypt's dream resorts and experience the beauty of Hagia Sofia even if people died there this week. One day you're time will be up, try to live as it's not today though... 

Monday, January 11, 2016

David Bowie: Death Of An Expressionist


Everybody loves music. If I had a dime for every time someone uttered the words "I can't live without music" I'd be some rich bitch. Instead, I have famously been the person that always said "I could very well live without music" because I don't even love it half as much as most people. Sure, I put my playlist of about 100 songs on when I clean or to walk the streets of Cairo to tune out the sexual harassment, but I really don't need music all that much. More significantly, that might be because I know nothing about it. My musical taste has no genre and the furthest I'll be able to go in terms of preference is saying I like the Banjo and dislike Taylor Swift or David Guetta. Considering this, my love for people such as Freddie Mercury and David Bowie have always surprised people. And now they're both dead...

David Bowie's death is one of the very few artists' that could have still shocked me. Music, for a long time, has ceased to be a form of art in the charts of this world, and he was one person I still considered an artist although the music junkies of the world bought his albums. When compared to everyone in the charts these days David Bowie looked like a completely different league, making music not necessarily for entertainment or enjoyment. A true performer, he was one of these people you rarely see that were doing the only thing they could have been doing, and that was express himself in music. And as a writer trying to find my craft as a form of expression I am mourning his death not as the loss of a musician but as a talent, artist and beacon for everyone who does what they're best at. 

I am far away from being a David Bowie fan, knowing only a fraction of his songs and not being able to recite his bonus tracks on various albums, but I have long been an admirer of him as a person. Since Michael Jackson we, in my opinion, have not lost someone who was born to do what he did, with the exception of Robin Williams as a comic maybe. It is something so inspiring to me to watch a person defy what is easy in this world to employ the talents God gave them. David Bowie was a musician, and I would argue he would never have been able to be anything else. Charisma like his cannot be learned, and next to his obviously popular music I will remember being attracted to a young Bowie who was plain ugly and creepy looking because he was in an element I knew nothing about. 

The amazing truth is that the message of his death is one that makes people think: what is a world without music? What is a world without talent? What is a world without David Bowie? Obviously, very few of us will actually live in a different world than yesterday, however, the question in my head was a different one: What is a world in which we don't do what David Bowie did? To me, Bowie is a person who employed 69 years exactly how you should. It is said he died in peace, and I can't see how it would be hard for Bowie to leave this planet with regret. 69 years filled with living life to the fullest. Many will say he died too early, but I'd rather have 69 years of being David Bowie than 100 of being many others. And I am pretty sure the quality of his 69 years outshine many, and not just because he married supermodels, did a lot of drugs and was an international superstar.

For my life, his death became a reminder: be like David Bowie, Sina! Make weird choices, not right ones, and try to be able to leave this Earth at 69 without thinking "damn, if only I had a few more years!" So far, my 27 years were filled with achievement I feel happy with, but I will need another 40 to succeed the way I want to. If I have another 40 isn't up to me, so I am going to have to focus on getting a good life in the present, not the future, now. Freddie Mercury, for God's sake, had way less that 69 but damn, that guy lived every second of his short life in the right way. If tomorrow never comes I want it to have been a life of David Bowie, with success because I did the only thing I was born to do, and after quite some time on this planet I have a pretty good idea of what that is. I want to be a rock star, but I'm not a rock star! We all need to find what we're good at and make that the content of our life so that one day we can fall as asleep without regret. Not the easiest challenge but let's at least try... 

Ode To Moscow

In all 27 years of my life, I have met a well above average amount of people from all over the world: travelers, intellectuals and vagabonds that will go anywhere gladly because they want to see the world, no matter which one. Thailand, Australia and Paris are the absolute front runners of destinations all these guys have been or are prioritizing to check out. Never, however, have I heard one of them tell me "You know, Sina, Russia is really the gem you need to see before you die" because few of them have been there or are prioritizing to check it out. After my first visit to Moscow last week I have difficulty understanding why that never happened! I have seldom been to a place more beautiful, more interesting and more surprising than the Icicle of Eastern Europe, but then again not everyone is me...

Seven out of my eight semesters at university back in the day had one very predominant theme: Russia, its history, politics and maniacs in charge of both of them. For an even longer ongoing time I have considered Russian Politics my favorite passion, trying to learn as much about Vlad Putin as possible, culminating in my (very, very close!) attempt to meet him last year at a press conference in Cairo. One may argue that there are few people in the world who would have as many incentives as me to go to Russia. And next to the visible history of communism, the possibility of seeing Lenin's corpse and counting sickles and hammers around the city, I had a rather unprofessional one to finally make the trip to Russia, and his name is Daniel.

Now to start out with what I saw and encountered in Moscow, I have to admit, my experience is heavily influenced by the fact that Russia had been my prioritized travel destination for half a decade and that it now played host to one of my best friends of over a decade. And out of all the ridiculous people I met throughout my life, for example Syrian documentary filmmakers or world-renowned Russian political scientists, I never expected it would be the call of Daniel that would bring me to Russia. Needless to say, experiencing a country you knew nothing, and everything, about with a person so close to your heart was an absolute pleasure, not in the very least because said person went out of his way to accommodate my weird fetish of chasing Moscow's communist past and freaking out at the sight of the Duma or Putin's public New Years address.

And indeed, Moscow's communist past was, unlike many other post-communist countries I visited over the years, on display like it was a period of pride, not contention. To me as a leftie European girl the perpetual question of why and how communism ever became the evil of this world is hard to answer, and the Yeltsin/Putin administrations must have thought the same thing: why get rid of all these glorious artifacts, Metro stations beaming with Soviet flair and stunning buildings with a rich history of a periods that may have ended in disaster but is undeniably a milestone in Russian development? Heck, Human development! I'm glad post-communist Russia decided against forgetting about those years (although, one may argue, they could start forgetting about those days in, let's say, Elections or media treatment) so that I was able to walk these streets and be stunned like I never get to be anymore.

The only analogy I can think of about walking through Moscow in early January, wrapped in three sweaters and a ski jacket, my scarf covering my whole face except my eyes while it softly snows on a frozen Moscva river is that of a walk through a Disneyland that is actually real. Yes, Cinderella's castle is really nice, but St Basil makes it look like some Idaho shag not worth being called a castle if stood outside, just outside, the mesmerizing building. The majesty of the Red Square or the Bolshoi Theater isn't just overwhelming when thinking about the formation of a 20th century superpower taking place there; the beauty of the architecture of some of Peter's first few buildings before he moved everything to St Petersburg is breathtaking and unseen to me, as well as the displays of arts and culture from old and new everywhere. In the distance, the skyscrapers of Moscow's ghostly financial district throw shadow on a historical place that is moving past its history in the same way it made the past.

Moscow has been the only city I ever explored around temperatures well (!!!) beyond freezing and still not being able to stay inside in the bathtub. Especially coming from Egypt, where the heat and the noise never stops, walking through the calm of the snow in Gorky Park offered a kind of beauty I had never experienced. And at the same time, I imagined Moscow in the spring and how it would be a completely different city with ice thawing, flowers blossoming and young Russian girls wearing even less clothes because not all of them seemed to be perceiving the same -20°C temperatures I was. With so much love for Russia, the choices I made in life to end up right there that moment and my company, I forgot that I should have been freezing, inside and out. And as any reader could probably imagine, the literary memory I am creating here is only an attempt at recreating the actual memory which was even better!

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

There Is But One Possible New Years Resolution...

I am late to this game but some New Years Resolutions have never been a bad idea. We might never end up doing what we say we would, but good intentions are the first step to any improvement, and my year 2016, like every other year, will be conducted solely to become better; better at Arabic, better at friendships, relationships and communication, better at writing, better at career development and, most importantly, better at being the person I want to be in the "end". And my resolutions show me a little bit more than ever who I want that person to be.

Of course I have many ambitions for 2016 that I truly intend to carry out: this will hopefully be the year I start the career I want to have in a very different way, I want to learn Arabic, brush up my Dutch and French, learn to paint and get into scuba diving. Next to these ambitions that are in no way restricted to just the coming year, I plan to eat less meat, meditate more often, and read more books just for fun. None of these nonchalant resolutions are really going to change my year (or life, for that matter) in a way I want change to happen though. I want real change, the complete overhaul of my life, career and personality, and I will succeed in doing that even if I never learn how to scuba dive.

In reality, the things that are really important to me do not need a resolution. Seven years ago I applied to Scottish university at 6am on January 1, just to symbolize that my 2009 would be starting with the right direction. In 2016, I chose to start my year with the right things in my head (and another application to university) as well, setting the frequency to achievement. Both professionally and personally my heart could not be in a more confident condition, knowing that in each branch of my passion I am following or executing exactly what needs to happen. Once the frequency is set, I just need to wait and see what will be transmitted.

Therefore, good intentions for the new year are always a good thing; our endeavor to improve as people is a beautiful notion. However, progress comes anyways. I had no resolutions last year and still learned more about myself and the world than any other year, making me a much happier person in the long run. I got what I wanted without chasing it. My life improved without resolutions. We do not need to have intentions to strive for perfection because every year we get closer and closer whether we want it or not. Rather than forcing a change on ourselves to live a better life in our own definition, I advise everyone to merely let change in, and the rest will come without asking...

As a result, my only real resolution is to surf the positive waves for as long as I can. I know the day will come where my positive thinking will have exhausted the potential of making a hard life seem easy and I will maybe fall back to old patterns of doubt. The start of the year, however, is not such a time, especially if a year started like mine surrounded by Russia and affection, my two biggest passions. Not all things are perfect, of course, but the conviction to know that they can be eventually is source for all positive thought. I just force myself to believe that the way things are now is the right way, and I am lucky enough to truly believe that even though I might be disappointed. Only the new year can tell, and I'm as ready for it as one could ever be...