I have been working very hard on awareness this year. About a year ago, I started daily meditation. One of the first times I did it, I had a panic attack. In the attempt to silence my thought, I ended up with the thought of a certain person no longer being in my life. That person had caused emotional pain it almost hurt physically, and yet, there I was, freaking out about the prospect of no longer having him in my life. To cultivate this thought should not have caused a negative reaction; it should have been a natural consequence of his treatment. But it wasn't. For two years. I was surprised that my body reacted that way to the this essential reality, and it took me another year to make my body stop reacting that way. As of this week, my body stopped.
In my life, there have only been three men that have shaped me. I wasn’t in a relationship with two of them, at least not a conventional one in which they would be referred to as “my boyfriend”, but they opened up some feelings inside of me - and then broke my heart. Most of them, more than once. In the midst of all my feelings for these guys, I found it hard to imagine that one day I wouldn’t feel that way. I used to say I cannot get someone out of my heart who was in there once. But, of course, you get older, and you realize that many things you said when you were younger were just a load of bull. And so was that saying…
This month, I talked to the guy who caused my meditation panic attack once again - and that dreaded thought was becoming reality. While he tried numerous times to block me, in the end, I always knew he'd be back. He’s been the face of the last two years of my life although he was barely in it. He would show up when it was convenient, play with my head and leave destruction, never any kind of productivity or positivity. Since he was a troubled person, he got away with everything. All the times he was horrible, I was too worried, too attached, too weak to let go. The job needed to be done eventually, though. I deferred the inevitable until I wasn’t facing the end of my job, my best friend moving abroad, medical emergencies and another “starting over”-kind of scenario. I deferred until now.
In our discussion, he was doing nothing different than he usually was. He was selfish, but he always was. He didn’t consider my feelings, but he never did. He decided to say whatever he orchestrated in his head as the only thing that could be true, but he has done that since day one. The only difference? I stopped caring. I was reading the messages differently, with realistic evaluation. I had to scratch my head: did I really allow him to be like this for two years? We spoke about not seeing each other anymore, and the panic attack wasn't coming. I was indifferent. I was calm. I went to a meeting right after and forgot all about it. I can’t even tell you how good it feels to not feel what I used to feel. Young Sina was wrong: People we allow into our hearts can lose their place - and he now has.
Months of bad treatment left a mark of course, but until this month, that mark was usually left on my self-worth. Getting hired by the most sought after company in the world restored some of that. The next step came quietly; I didn’t even realize I no longer cared about this guy. I still want him to be happy, I still would always love to one day see him again and give him a friendly hug, but the day has finally come where I am seeing what all my friends have told me for two years: I’m too good for this shit! I think even he would agree with that. I would like to know when the moment happened I got over him, but I just know the moment I realized I was over him.
