Saturday, April 29, 2017

Why I Feel Brexit Is Taking My "Home" Away From Me

An entire year I dedicated to writing stories about refugees. I have no fight to fight with refugees being assimilated in my or other countries, and for a person (without a heart) looking on from afar it would be hard to gather why I'd bother at all. To be honest, I don't really know myself. Sure, I'd call myself a compassionate person that has an emotional reaction to watching scenes from Aleppo but why do I care about foreigners coming to Europe, feeling welcome, getting the same opportunities as me, when even an American wouldn't be able to? We're all human, after all. Why does one count more than the other? I've always known the answer to these questions, and most people in my generation do, too. As of this year, I have one more: I actually lived in a place that doesn't like foreigners... as a foreigner.


Is this really how we wanna see things?

You might have an immediate reaction to what I just said. Frankly, if you don't, that's fucked up. I'm a white girl, educated, no record, and interested in actually taking part in this society, including its values. Well, yeah! That much is true. Me as a German and them as the English does not make a difference if you look at our hobbies: beer and football. We also all like Jesus, I guess. We also all hate ISIS. No biggie then, I'm welcome. Even if I am, that's not what it feels like. I have not been disrespected as a foreigner in this country even once, including the four magical years I spent in the union's other gem, Scotland. Yet, not even a year ago, the people of this country voted for the doors to shut. I won't accept any other explanation. Brexit is nothing, and I mean it, nothing but a shutting of a door. Unfortunately, I feel like I'm on the other side.

I love the UK, have been nothing but happy and fortunate here but I cannot shake the feeling of no longer being welcome to try here. It's easy enough to be said by a German whose alternative is going back to possibly the best-shaped country out there but I see myself as a foreigner, not a German here. The day Brexit voters shut the doors for foreigners from Eastern Europe and the Middle East because they came to exploit them is the day I perceived the door to be shut for me, too. The choice they made, for whatever reason, was to stop cooperation. Any decision that goes hand in hand with stopping cooperation would, for me, be out of the question. But not for the majority of England and Wales. At that moment, I had no intention of coming back to the UK, but then I did, thinking that it'd be interesting to be a part of the change that's inevitably coming. Yeah, not so fun...

Maybe it really is the fact that I still perceive myself, and most likely always will, as an EU citizen before anything else, and for the longest time I was, therefore, "home" in this country. It's not quite as dramatic as being French in Alsace-Lorraine and then suddenly, well, you're not anymore. But that is what it is: my home decided it no longer wants to have me. Rejection of any kind is not a nice feeling but the people around me, for whatever reason, have decided I am in fact wrong to call this place home. It's home to the British, not me. Let's not even get into the blog post that is inevitably coming about why I am not British. I am German, I like being German, and as of now, that's what I will be here because clearly, EU citizenship means nothing to people here. It still does to me.

It's hard to predict the future. It always was, but now more so than ever. I don't know where I, personally, will be in the next few years. Come Brexit, I might not even be able to stay in the UK. However, it is hard to believe that if children are ever going to be part of my future, I would like for them to grow up here. I always thought this was the country I would like to let the roots grow a little bit, but I cannot imagine this political situation to be a sustainable environment for the child I would like to raise, nevermind the next government for me to enjoy myself. I still believe in the EU and its values, and I would want my child to grow up to be as proud of the amazing work that's coming out of that institution as I am. For many people, it is possible to live in a country that does not politically reflect who they are. For me, it is not.

Scotland, my favorite country, might actually try again to be part of the EU, and from my experience, it doesn't actually mean that much to people. If Germany left the EU, I would not accept it. I would rather be part of the EU than a union that has brought me nothing but oppression for centuries. The fact that Scots think political representation is secondary to economic prosperity is understandable but, ultimately, an opinion I don't share. If Scotland became independent and was applying to come "home" to us, I would be personally involved, I vow it. There is a place where we can sit together and make multilateral decisions. They are obviously not always 100% as good as a unilateral decision but have we never learned anything from John Nash: "let's do what's best for us AND the group" because we benefit if others do, too. Where has this gone? It's no longer here, and I maybe, neither will I come 2019. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

I Would Walk 500 Miles... And Not Regret It!

Sometimes effort and success are not even slightly connected. Sometimes we try for months, with no success, and the feeling of "it's just not meant to be" creeps up. Other times, we don't try and are given ten times more than what we expected to be possible. My high school BFF told me on the phone a few weeks after I left the US that he'd fallen in love a girl he didn't even know three weeks earlier - another three months later, they had married. "When you know, you know", they said back then. Their search wasn't long, neither of them tried very hard, but a resulting marriage was absolutely unavoidable. They also happen to be the perfect couple, so everything looks like they just lucked out. So the impression I get is that it doesn't really matter how long that search takes; some things just sort of work out. Knowing all this, I sometimes wonder why people even try...

When I talk about trying, I don't just mean relationships. Effort, as a term, is getting more and more negative in connotation, and I'm starting to believe it might not be a good thing anymore. I am a true believer in things being easy if they're right, and right does not mean "The One", but right... correct... good to exist. When I try to befriend somebody, I'd say that's a pretty good thing. The same goes for giving someone a call I want to speak to. Or working hard on an assignment. Making a difference. Giving someone flowers. There are a lot of examples of putting effort into somebody or something and what I find in most cases is that it's not just a waste of time, it's also perceived as a bad thing. I'm happy to talk about this more.

I try hard with people, jobs and skills. I try to improve, try to be nice, try to communicate, and in the end, I'm tired and end up with nearly the same result I would have ended up with not trying. Putting effort into people, trying to make them feel good or anything of that sort isn't a waste; what I mean is that when something is right, that effort isn't necessary. I'm trying to befriend people in a new city right now and I'm happy to make the effort. Even if I don't end up friends with everyone, I enjoy being nice, trying to get to know people, it's not unnecessary.  Recently I've had the thought repeatedly when a co-worker was slagging me for trying to befriend him. He's my co-worker, like I'm the only one benefitting, right? My experience when doing this in the past, though, was that when I had good chemistry with people, friendship was a natural consequence of me being myself. I talked to most of my close friends for less than five minutes before knowing they'd actually be my friends. "When you know, you know". Not just with people you may marry...

Making an effort with people is fun to me and I'll never not try, yet, I need to abandon the thought in my head that sometimes things are worth the fight. Those who want me in their lives have my number, I'd never not pick up. That's the formula and everyone knows it. The inspirational quote that tells us not to fight for someone who's not worth it is incorrect; it's not wrong to do that, it just shouldn't be needed. Because those things that are comfortable, right and "meant to be" will be easy. I don't have to convince anybody to be with or around me. The door is open, most of the times all it takes is picking up the phone or answering my call. People who are trying to befriend me are lucky because I am happy to be the person who calls. Frankly, if I wasn't, some of my best friends wouldn't be in my life, and not because they don't want to be but because too many people think they're too occupied to invest effort into people...

Conor and Philipp, my two best friends of the opposite sex, have rarely ever called me. I love them, but they forget me. Oh well, two choices: I could be upset and never call them again, hence lose them, or suck it up. So I call them. When they answer though, I know they are as happy about talking to me as I am about talking to them. My effort is appreciated, and there goes that, we continue to be friends even after a decade. Being friends with these boys is super easy, it never seems hard, and I genuinely just enjoy it because I know they feel the same about it. The complete opposite of that is making an effort and getting nothing in return: feeling like the effort isn't even appreciated. I don't want to do that anymore, but I will. And trust me, trying hard for someone, even making myself look stupid just to give people and chances a last ditch effort, and getting nothing in return, is really fucking hard and disappointing. When I try, even when it seems too late, and I don't get a response (or even worse), even a tough person like me is feeling a little fragile about that. It's not nice...

I'm pretty happy to walk 500 miles but let's face it, a mile should do it... 13 at the very most!

I know I can't force stuff (didn't always know that... whoops!) but trying is a good thing. Whether, as a result to my effort, friendship or an opportunity or love blossoms, however, I have absolutely no power over. Heck, I even ended up with the job I thought I had no shot with and hence tried much less for than the other ones. I tried hard for people in the past with no success and I ended up with people I didn't try for. There is no logic to this equation so really putting in an effort is just a luxury I have and enjoy doing. And if someone would like to do the same for me, they're welcome to. The truth is, as much as i would like to tell people publicly here that I am done giving people the opportunity to reciprocate my effort or trying to make something happen that clearly isn't going to, I just don't feel like that is the right way. Duh, I will try texting someone once or twice, if they don't respond I'll get the message, but I am proud to be a person who appreciates and tries for people, chances and changes. And in the end I feel like I won't regret it. I tried. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

How Social Media Has NOT Ruined Us

"Before we had Facebook and Snapchat, we actually talked to people". Ergh, this sentence makes me mad. Some people are stuck between being a millennial and a baby boomer, and it's not a great place to be. For some reason, the technological revolution that's been going on has people thinking that communication in person seems to no longer be possible. Back in the day, they say, it was playing outside, not the iPad. Or it was asking a girl out on a date instead of sending her a dick pic. I am from a generation that was fortunate to grow up right between the two, and so I played outside and have an iPad, went on actual dates and used a camera to "sext" (I just really like the word, can't say I'm an expert there). One thing is for sure: social media has definitely not destroyed my life. And definitely not my relationships.

Right now, I live in a city I know nobody in. If I only went by conventional ways, I'd know my three workmates and six flatmates. Instead, I was set up through Facebook with a girl my friend from Cairo knows, met a few people via Couchsurfing, found out that my actual former flatmate from Egypt lives in the same city, spend the weekends with friends I have from five different places in London and browse Instagram, keeping an eye on who is in London when so I can see them. Bottom line: in six weeks I was never alone! If I didn't glue myself to my cell phone I simply wouldn't know these people, or if they're here. Hence, there would be no communication. But social media hasn't just made it easy for me to make friends, it also allows me to stay friends. I haven't spoken to my good friends in California in years, but I always know what's up. There's no way I'd have more than two friends if I had to speak to them in person to stay connected since living in five countries over the past decade made that one kinda hard...

Of course, our network has become a bubble, and not a day goes by on which that's not being criticized. That argument is so lame I wonder how it causes so much friction. I don't hang out with Tories in my free time in person either, and I certainly don't hang out with Nazis. What I see on my news feed is as much a representation of the things I want to see as the life I have built around me in person. In many ways, the internet even allows me to see the lives of others I'd never be interested in, giving me insights about people I know nothing about. Tories, for example. I couldn't care less about befriending a pro-life creationist who dislikes Muslims, but since they're on Twitter, sharing away, I may get a bit of information on how they turned out to be such crappy people. There's no way I'd pursue that in person. I see the news that makes people I appreciate open their eyes, and in real life, I'd do the same; trust my friends' judgment, exchanging what I think.

My friendships and careers have very visibly benefitted, and dating-wise we're probably nearing a billion Tinder babies soon. I mean, who even meets people in a conventional way anymore? A guy these days is 10 less likely to talk to a girl at a bar. Instead, he is 100 more likely to just swipe his phone and sees if she's in the radius. The alternative would be to just not talk anymore because we all know, men these days are pussies. Girls are no better. They portray themselves on social media as if the platform was the nectar that calls for the bees. It's today's calling card. I use it as an advantage, but only because I'm not scared to admit it. Times have changed, I go with it. I try to see it as an additional way to get in touch. The one and only time someone was confident enough to call me, and even more shocking, express that he liked me, I made him mine for two years. So although he is lame on social media and goes about communication in the "old-fashioned", clearly more authentic way, it all started with a friend request. It also allowed for us to continue speaking after I had left the country, which happened to all my human relationships at some point.

The only time social media was bad to me was when I learned of various infidelities or betrayals because people are sometimes just a bit too stupid to use it, or simply don't care. I was once in a sorta kinda relationship with a guy abroad, and suddenly there was this picture of him and a girl at a party, very visibly in love with him. The moment I saw that photo, I know me and him were over. He went on to date her and still is, so that turned out ok. Not so much another time, when another guy tried to "get me back", also abroad, via Facebook, telling me "the other girl means nothing and is sooo lame!" Next day, oh look, they're on a holiday together, checking out the sights, she took 10.000 selfies of them together. When you realize you're being shat on via social media, it would be nicer to just not being able to see what your boys are up to. Then again, if it hadn't been for Facebook I wouldn't have dated either one in the first place because both weren't man enough for anything but this nonsensical attempt at human interaction via social media, meaning other than a Facebook message they produced nothing of interest, in some cases for 12 years...

As a result, I suppose not everyone has matured with the new ways of communication. I remember when the guy I just mentioned called me after we had kissed the first time, on my phone, not drunk, and I felt like that was a major breakthrough. It really shouldn't be like that. I recently called my friend to meet him for lunch. American, very busy, usually abroad. He actually didn't pick up at first, then said "wow, calling, yeah, nobody does that anymore". Having said that, I don't even remember the last time someone answered my call on first attempt. I also had that thought last week when I realized that the other guy I just mentioned literally never spoke unless it was in a message he typed on his phone. That is obviously the sad downside: some people just didn't develop the necessary balls you need to face people, like literally face them. It was too easy to get away with this pseudo-communication that might be enough to stay in touch, but definitely not to stay connected. In retrospect, I don't feel like I knew either of these above-mentioned ex-lovers because I seldom ever spoke to them, like literally spoke. And while communication is easy, and I like writing, nothing transmits feelings like a spoken word, like literally spoken.

Times have changed, and we can whine about it or use it as an advantage. I think I'm achieving the latter quite well, using my social media platforms as political platforms as well as a personal promotion tool. Barely anyone speaks to me in person but I have a way to update them on my life, my views and my progress anyways. And if they like me, they'll consume it. If they like it a lot, they can even engage with it. With people being busier, living further apart and, also, caring less, that is simply the reality we are working with, and social media is the only weapon to tackle it with. So I do. And I try, just as much as I do in person, to transmit the feeling of caring, of appreciating and of pursuing a human relationship. What needs to change is not the tool but the willingness of people to use it. Even Facebook does calls, even Instagram allows you to follow. It is then up to the person behind the screen to make an effort with people. Just like in real life.