I never get to blog anymore... what an awful sentence. It was true about five months ago, when I was already coming to terms with the reality that my job, at least for its initial super-exciting year, was taking over my life. Hobbies, such as blogging, had to be replaced by the ones one cannot skip. There are only so and so many hours in the day, and hobbies such as yoga and reading cannot be skipped, because if I do, I die (maybe not immediately, but a lot earlier). But then came the summer, or, as I will refer to it in my 2019 review, the busiest time of my life. Even yoga and reading are now luxury. Life is a cloud of stress, appointments and responsibilities, plus all the thinking about things I would like to do. But I wouldn't be me if I didn't use this experience to draw on the silver lining: I just had to become more efficient about stress.
Before the summer, I was receiving my first few speaking assignments. I asked my manager about which ones we would say yes to, and since the first two coming in were asks from abroad she couldn't follow herself, I jumped on the chance. Then, weeks later, whoops, there are five more requests, some of which I can't even say no to (neither would I want to) and homework from myriad of other teams. Suddenly, a full time job means full time, as in all the time there is. I did weekends and late nights, fully knowing this wouldn't stay this way. It was all fun and great experience... but ultimately tiring.
I never had to do anything. But I wanted to. I loved working hard because the outcomes were great. But my body was taking note. In July, after a stressful time at work and personal things happening, my face blew up. As in, I literally woke up and my face was gone: my eyes were swollen shut, my whole face was twice the size and without a cold compression on it I could barely speak. My body had reacted to the stress. While it wasn't just the job that time, but my body literally saying "no" to an emerging personal situation, I learned something important: I cannot fool that body. It knows things. I can try to be the person that can deal with stress, but give that body something it doesn't want, and it will find a way to let you know.
In this case, my body was saying no to a reemerging relationship before I even realized I didn't want it. There are signs, and my mind is slower at picking up on them than my body. Some of them can be read if practicing mindfulness. But if you want it or not, reality will get ya. Sooner or later. Sometimes powering through is what is necessary. Then, my body usually just pauses the exhaustion for when it's ok to come out. It's like there is a certain amount of relaxing that has to happen; a process of finishing a stress response cycle. The more stress occurs, the more time is needed to finish the cycle. There is just one problem: There is no time. I don't have time to do everything I NEED to do and actually finish my stress response cycle. Thankfully, there are ways to cheat.
For me, to relax, I need to either be alone and "do nothing", so watch a show or read, listen to music, or do yoga or run. I definitely need time to be alone, otherwise I don't think, and thinking, I suppose, is what is needed to process what is going on. Lord knows I'm not good at processing. But procrastination of these relaxing activities will become a problem for me. Sure, going out for a drink or going shopping is also fun to me, but it doesn't help my stress cycle. I have found that to actually get my heartbeat back to normal, I have to become more efficient about relaxing, because I never have time to do it.
Step one: regular yoga. I take time at lunch to do it. Meetings piling up make me want to skip it sometimes but I just know that they won't be productive if I do them strained. So yoga is, and should be, a priority in the day. If I have no access to it, like in the past two weeks on the road, I can virtually watch the stress build. After a week like last week, I'd need ten hours of yoga, and that, of course, is not an option. Which brings me to step two: regular long breaks. I don't think I've ever been as stressed as now, so yesterday I checked into a spa. It took me four hours in the sauna to actually stop contracting my neck. My heartbeat was insane. A three hour nature walk this morning was the first time in a month I actually realized I wasn't clenching my teeth.
When everything happens - and with everything I just mean too much - actually saying stop is a skill. Listening to your body is not a talent, it needs to be learned. Just like speaking, and dividing by three, and the capitals of the world. But nobody taught us. Quite the contrary, with all the pressure on performance, a ticking time bomb and influences our bodies were simply not created to withstand, we have to put effort into learning. And I feel like I am in need of some more tutoring. All I know for now is that, as little as I know still, I do know when everything is too much - I just need to get better at catching the moment before I get there, and actually act accordingly.
Before the summer, I was receiving my first few speaking assignments. I asked my manager about which ones we would say yes to, and since the first two coming in were asks from abroad she couldn't follow herself, I jumped on the chance. Then, weeks later, whoops, there are five more requests, some of which I can't even say no to (neither would I want to) and homework from myriad of other teams. Suddenly, a full time job means full time, as in all the time there is. I did weekends and late nights, fully knowing this wouldn't stay this way. It was all fun and great experience... but ultimately tiring.
I never had to do anything. But I wanted to. I loved working hard because the outcomes were great. But my body was taking note. In July, after a stressful time at work and personal things happening, my face blew up. As in, I literally woke up and my face was gone: my eyes were swollen shut, my whole face was twice the size and without a cold compression on it I could barely speak. My body had reacted to the stress. While it wasn't just the job that time, but my body literally saying "no" to an emerging personal situation, I learned something important: I cannot fool that body. It knows things. I can try to be the person that can deal with stress, but give that body something it doesn't want, and it will find a way to let you know.
In this case, my body was saying no to a reemerging relationship before I even realized I didn't want it. There are signs, and my mind is slower at picking up on them than my body. Some of them can be read if practicing mindfulness. But if you want it or not, reality will get ya. Sooner or later. Sometimes powering through is what is necessary. Then, my body usually just pauses the exhaustion for when it's ok to come out. It's like there is a certain amount of relaxing that has to happen; a process of finishing a stress response cycle. The more stress occurs, the more time is needed to finish the cycle. There is just one problem: There is no time. I don't have time to do everything I NEED to do and actually finish my stress response cycle. Thankfully, there are ways to cheat.
For me, to relax, I need to either be alone and "do nothing", so watch a show or read, listen to music, or do yoga or run. I definitely need time to be alone, otherwise I don't think, and thinking, I suppose, is what is needed to process what is going on. Lord knows I'm not good at processing. But procrastination of these relaxing activities will become a problem for me. Sure, going out for a drink or going shopping is also fun to me, but it doesn't help my stress cycle. I have found that to actually get my heartbeat back to normal, I have to become more efficient about relaxing, because I never have time to do it.
Step one: regular yoga. I take time at lunch to do it. Meetings piling up make me want to skip it sometimes but I just know that they won't be productive if I do them strained. So yoga is, and should be, a priority in the day. If I have no access to it, like in the past two weeks on the road, I can virtually watch the stress build. After a week like last week, I'd need ten hours of yoga, and that, of course, is not an option. Which brings me to step two: regular long breaks. I don't think I've ever been as stressed as now, so yesterday I checked into a spa. It took me four hours in the sauna to actually stop contracting my neck. My heartbeat was insane. A three hour nature walk this morning was the first time in a month I actually realized I wasn't clenching my teeth.
When everything happens - and with everything I just mean too much - actually saying stop is a skill. Listening to your body is not a talent, it needs to be learned. Just like speaking, and dividing by three, and the capitals of the world. But nobody taught us. Quite the contrary, with all the pressure on performance, a ticking time bomb and influences our bodies were simply not created to withstand, we have to put effort into learning. And I feel like I am in need of some more tutoring. All I know for now is that, as little as I know still, I do know when everything is too much - I just need to get better at catching the moment before I get there, and actually act accordingly.
