Dear Democrats, Dear Republicans, It's Not About Politics Anymore...

It's been one week since inauguration and a few weeks since I wrote on Donald Trump. It goes without saying I wish I didn't have to do that. Additionally, collecting my thoughts on this man always takes a while because as soon as I think of his face there are ten things I want to say simultaneously, and I might be a writer, but I'm not experienced as much as I would have to be to say everything I want to say about him in one concise 700 word long blog. But heck, this is a learning space, and it's also a platform read by many people I know naturally disagree with me and therefore I believe my words are not lost. My political opposition of everything this guy stands for is, after all, not coming from a political place but a moral one, so I believe even his voters probably agree with a thing or two in the following post.

As a disclaimer to any Trump post I always feel like saying that I don't dislike him any more than any other leaders I disagree with. I doubt he'd be a person I'd get along with but who knows if, deep down, he actually knows he has become the face of a policy of hate. Rodrigo Duterte, for example, also thinks his government of mass murder is fighting the "evil" drug lords and is thus saving the Philippines. If you asked this vile man if he was sleeping well at night because he was a hero, not a villain, this guy would whole-heartedly say "yes" and not even lie. Same also applies to Hitler, by the way. Remember Stalin, the "good guy"? I think my point is clear here: not everyone who does evil is evil. That's why humans created a "judging God". The question remains if that makes it any better...

Those who know me know I am pretty fair when it comes to politics. I have never "won" an election but I would die for my German democracy every day because Angela Merkel's CDU is what my people chose each time I voted. I was scratching my head, wondering why poor people would go to the polls voting for the Conservative lady when literally anything to the left of the CDU would have literally meant more money in the bank for them but that's what they chose, even if that was stupid. Donald Trump is NOT that! Bush vs Kerry I got. Maybe in that scenario I could see why people would have decided for the Republican although I would never, but fine, your choice. 25% of Americans however saw Donald Trump as a suitable leader, and we've been through it a hundred times: that's not something I hate because I loved Hillary or don't get Republicanism (I get it alright, I just don't understand how it's the "Christian" party). I hate it because 25% of Americans condoned, and even celebrated, a campaign founded on selfishness and marginalizing those who need support. And 25% was enough to make him the "leader of the free world", a guy that fights the free press and said he does not oppose torture.

I find it hard to believe that after this first week some of his voters are not starting to think they might have made a yuuuge mistake, at least the "better than Hillary" people who believed he'd never go through with his insane, arsinine promises. Sure, a pretty large (too large) amount of people voted for him BECAUSE of the wall, the Muslim ban or the end of Obamacare. Here we can say we disagree. I have no idea why people would want any of these things but they do, I get it. However, I have yet to find people who can make me understand. Let's take the example of the wall: duh, building a wall to keep illegals out doesn't sound like a menace when you hear it (and have never been to school in your life to hear about some of the other walls they had throughout history) but why do you want this wall? A few points: it won't work, people will still come. Are you gonna shoot them, too? On top of that, I understand you want South Americans to keep out because they're criminals? That, my dear friends, is racist. Whether you agree with that or not. As this reasoning is debunked, the only thing left to assume is that these people actually want the wall because they're racist. Volunteers to make me understand are welcome to call me, day and night.

And then, as if it wasn't bad enough already, he pens the next order, keeping his fellow Americans out of their country due to their faith and ethnicity. Oh, and refugees. I don't care who you are, where you're from, don't care what you did, but this is the definition of UNAmerican. With that stance America wouldn't be where it is today, and I don't mean "being the most hated country in the world" or "the global police". The Constitution itself prohibits such discrimination, never mind the Geneva Convention, and now the President himself engages in such practice of discrimination and, frankly, illegality. Even though fear of Muslims is unfounded, some people just are scared, and those who are scared I would rather reassure than insult. Yet, and it needs to be said, it's unacceptable behavior that Thomas Jefferson would be ashamed about. And even if such a fear had an origin the fact (for all that still means) remains that each country experiencing IS terror in the last few years harbored their own homegrown terrorists. A ban could literally not have saved a single soul at the Bataclan. Their murderers came from "within". Volunteers to make me understand how they feel safer now, welcome day and night.

But in the light of such horrible, even scary politics taking shape in what was sold to us as the "land of the free" I see tremendous hope that this is our chance to show that the critical thinkers we were raised to be have done our homework. The overwhelming truth for me is that I get a chance to not be a hypocrite. This is my chance to show that I would have been a Sophie Scholl, a Dietrich Bonhoeffer and a General von Stauffenberg who were one hundred percent right in their assumption that what was being told to them as the "right thing" was far from it. History prove them right! God himself could speak to me and tell me to oppose Muslims, keep them out of my home, and build a wall to stop Mexicans from exploiting me, I would refuse to. What is "right" is in the heart. If we approach each other in a loving way it is impossible to understand President Trump's EOs as the right steps, and every human being will have to understand. I know, they also feel "right", just like Donald Trump, Hitler, Duterte and all the others but we are different in one thing: they prioritize themselves, we don't. A famous man from Nazareth once said something about that...

Of course, I sound very self-righteous and like I never considered that maybe my way isn't the right one either, but I am convinced rejecting hatred will lead me to my own personal promise land, the world I want to live in, and Donald Trump won't get us there. I appreciate people with different opinions, and accept that many see a more conservative world order to be the better path to form the world they want to live in. Factually assessed, though, this Donald Trump world vision might get you your "merry Christmas" back or put you in the front seat as an American when it comes foreign policy, the notion of "America first" and all the connecting EOs we already witnessed will mean that EVERYONE ELSE comes second though. In life, those who only seek to benefit themselves end up alone; in politics, it won't be different. Money, power and influence mean nothing. I don't want to be that person. And you know who told me that? Jesus Christ. Without knowing the guy I can directly quote him for condemning the behavior of shutting our door to the needy, and that is exactly what is happening. It's not about politics anymore. It's not about our survival, even if you think so, either. It's about morals, knowing what is right in your heart, and shutting your door to keep yourself safe will only make you one thing: alone!

'This Is Us' Is A Show Made For People Like Me

I don't watch a whole lot of TV. I don't have Netflix or Prime (yet!) and little to no interest in TV programs other than shows that are either about politics or some crazy, fantasy crap like zombies or fat guys stranded on an island after a plane crash. In the last few years, my TV watching was limited to walking dead people and, embarrassingly (if I ever got embarrassed), bachelors and bachelorettes looking to get engaged on national TV. This TV season I picked up another show, and I just simply do not regret it one bit. 'This is us' has been such a treat I am seriously amazed. I am now left to wonder whether the show has universal appeal or just manages to capture my life somehow. The last time I thought that was when Ted Mosby took nine seasons to "meet the mother", unleashing all kinds of wise words on me. I think Jack and Rebecca from NBC's new show are about to do the same...

A show that tackles the development of racial issues in the US is a show for me, that's a given. I don't really know if the depiction is accurate because I didn't grow up in the States or the 80s, yet a show that is tackling racial issues in today's TV landscape definitely can't be a bad thing. Every time the show references racism, when Randall struggles or tries to find his identity in his white family, I wonder what all the closet racists America has so many of are thinking because I believe they might actually like 'This Is Us' as well. Obviously, the show has liberal writers, yet I am absolutely convinced non-liberals love it, too, and there is no problem with that. At the same time, I wonder how people love the show, approve its message, yet don't see anything wrong with inequality in today's society. Maybe, just maybe, the show at least makes them think about these things, and that's clearly why I love it.

If life teaches you anything it is that nothing can be expected, it just does what it wants. If you haven't learned that first hand, you simply don't know life yet. In 'This Is Us' the writers create 42 minutes of prose that captures exactly that. Within five minutes, the protagonists sometimes change their lives because that's how long it would take in real life, too. Within minutes of shock, we learn of deaths and engagements, and when these things happen time is not what matters. A death, an engagement, one single little freak out at the job can make or break our lives, and every day we make decisions that can mean anything for the rest of it. The characters in this show make these decisions every day, and I would dare say they live a pretty good life because of that: no routine, commitment to progress, no fear and, most importantly, love for each other. I can't help to think they are wonderful displays to follow in real life as well.

Of course, there are also a lot of parallels to my own life. As of this week's episode, I know the kids lose their father as teenagers which means eventually I will be watching a few very painful episodes because the same thing happened to me. I've also seen my fair share of people fall apart at the hands of cancer, so watching William dying won't be fun. I wouldn't know anything about a happy family life such as the Pearson's but I would know what it's like having a guy show up after 10 years saying he's always been thinking about "us", like Kevin did this week. I can't wait to see how that plays out on the show and if it will be anything like how that worked out for me. If so, that'd be awesome, but probably not good TV. With the show's commitment to not make the audience happy but show life the way it really is, however, I have at least a hope things will play out like they would in real life; even when it's a fairy tale and everyone would be rooting for the childhood sweethearts, sometimes saying no to the "dream partners" is the best thing one can do.

We're just half way through the first season but 'This Is Us' is already making an impact. Experience suggests that the show will fall apart after three seasons. Right now, I'm watching equal parts because I love Jack and want to marry him just like every other woman and because it's just a freaking heartwarming show, and I need some serious heat for that heart of mine that is surrounded by ice and freezing every time the TV is on otherwise (like, the news is about the worst thing to watch right now if you want to see good news, or even actual news at that). I simply enjoy shows that show a craft, and the craft I celebrate for this show is definitely writing. The writers of 'This Is Us' do well, and I hope they continue to do so. Good writing doesn't adjust to what people want to hear, see or read but what teaches us about whatever we yearn to learn about. I yearn to learn about life, and 'This Is Us' at least gives me the feeling it doesn't care if I like what's happening, but it will happen. Just like life!

Competiting with People: Good or Bad?

I always wondered how competitive I was. In team sports, I showed a lack of really wanting to win. In German, there is a saying that if you lose a game you'll be lucky in love, so I was never too upset about losing. Over the years, I always characterized myself as not competitive because I never wanted to win and never felt bad seeing other people take the glory. Until last year. I had a interviews for some jobs I really wanted and saw people get it I immediately didn't think deserved it. Whether that is true or not is impossible for me to decide, but having these thoughts showed me I really am competitive, if only in cases where it matters most. Instead of envying them, however, I decided to just do better than them. At no point I thought badly about the people who got what I believed I should have, I just decided to show those who rejected me that I can do EVEN BETTER. As of this week, I finally made it happen.

Throughout my career as a writer I always tried to refrain from comparing myself to other people which worked very well. In the end, I am a girl from Germany, from a middle class background which does not necessarily set one up to success too well, with just one parent and an emotional but fierce personality. Comparing myself to anyone fails exactly here, as I know nobody who could say the same thing. Jealousy or wanting to switch lives was never an issue for me. One person, however, served as somewhat of a beacon: my friend John who was working in the same career, just in a vastly different country, had a similar backgroung to me, at least educationally, and he was doing very well for himself. I never envied him, but it encouraged me to think "if John could do it, I can!" Of course, John's success was skill AND luck, but I believed I deserved that luck as well. I guess it was not competition but measuring myself on that standard. I didn't want to prove John or our friends or our teachers, but myself, so the luck and opportunity John had was what I requested as well. It was the real deal, or nothing for me. 

In fact, I always relied on my luck. Of course I knew it would be hard to find a job after a Masters in Politics, but I believed I'd be lucky. Over the past year, I started thinking I had been wrong. I applied to all the jobs I wanted and got through numerous rounds of recruitment, thinking I must be doing something right. But the last round always failed me. Each time, the next opportunity was already waiting and I convinced myself I will be better off. I still tried to interpret the rejection as "luck". When the biggest publications in Germany refused me, and my friends told me "their loss for rejecting you", it wasn't a consolation, it was fire under my freaking butt. I wanted them to regret it. I wanted to do better than their ridiculous traineeships (note: terminology changed to accomodate my "fire"). The truth is I wanted to do their ridiculous traineeships but when they rejeced me, I knew I needed to top it. It's the same principle as breaking up with someone, then looking stunning the next time you see them. You want it to burn. Weird behavior, yes, but I can't say I'm not guilty of it. In both cases, this revenge thinking is stupid because, it's always easier to see in retrospect, it wouldn't have worked out. I was indeed meant for other things... 

Sooo, I guess I am competitive as I wouldn't call this normal behavior. I seldom needed to be the best in my life, but that's easy enough to say because I never sucked. To be among the best, I had to admit, is super important to me. I can accept someone being better, more experienced, prettier, or even richer than me, but I found out this year I have this scale in my head that I need to be balanced at all times. As soon as I heard a girl with half the education I had was outearning me by a lot, I started feeling bad about my money. That is competitve (and detrimental to happiness), although I refrained from taking any action. It's just a moral compass in my head that tells me what I believe I deserve, and as long as I get less than what my head tells me I deserve it doesn't make me happy. As a result, every time something didn't work out I was convinced in the end I would do much, much better than I could have in that scenario. "It will all be for the better", turns out, is probably the wisest thing to say ever...

Which brings me to present day. I have in fact done pretty well this week. I signed a contract with one of the biggest companies in the world, not Germany, that every single person on this planet knows and will be delivering news to a number so large I can't even imagine it and in a way more futuristic than any of that social media malarky. Best of all, however, is the fact that this position, unlike any of the ones I wanted so bad this year, seems to appreciate me. How do I know? After hundreds of applications in the past few years, I took the job that approached me on LinkedIn in a time I wasn't even looking. Just like John back in the day, I had just taken a new job when I was approached. I was happy with what I have, the opportunity I was in the process of taking was great and I felt bad to be leaving it, but thinking back to John I knew that "you only get on shot, do not miss your chance to blow 'cause opportunity comes once in a lifetime" and there was no way I wouldn't take it. The day had arrived I'd stand on my moral scale and blow it up!

This opportunity isn't better than the others I wanted (actually it is maybe a little better but irrelevant to the point) but it just suits me better than all the others. When I was first made aware of that position I didn't even know where I'd be based, and now it turns out they're sending me back to where I wanted to be all along. Not only do I like the UK a lot more, I have more friends in London than I have anywhere else on the planet. And those hired in my place during the summer are happy with what they're doing, too, so everyone won! That day where I get the silver lining of the last few months of rejection is here and I never even intended for this outcome to happen. Getting what we want just sometimes isn't the best thing you CAN have. There is no point to this competition. The only thing it's good for is to make yourself the best you can be. "Competing" with John or the people hired in my place has been very healthy for me and made sure I don't settle before I got what's best for me. Right now, it looks like the patience paid off, and I could be wrong, but then I'll just start wanting to prove myself again and wait for another lucky turn. 

My Highlights 2k16: Less Egypt, More Awesome!

I am a classic oversharer, and I repeat myself a lot. Today's a good day, so why wouldn't I? In fact, I even wrote this last week when everything was different, but in order to write about that I need to breathe a bit first. So for now, I'll keep indulging in memories: good memories, bad memories, there is only so and so much I should really be saying about all of my feelings, and I, of course, usually cross the line. Many people are mad at me because I share everything that happens to me, or at least that's what they think. Then we also have the people that disagree with me and, hence, dislike me. Altogether, writing about my life, my feelings and, more than ever, my political disappointment, has made many people criticize me. Now, in 2017, where I'll be writing professionally a bit more than for leisure purposes this will only get worse, and I guess I just made the decision I don't really care. This is my space, and I like sharing. I like talking about all the good and bad things that happen to me. And so, for my own pleasure, I decided to crown my favorite moments of the past year. Overshare? Yes... but it's just life to me...

I saw the freaking Kremlin, I can die happy now... 

Yep, that's the Kremlin right there... 

The year started out with being in Moscow, and I can't stop thinking back to it now that it has been one short year. I still remember everything, from getting off the plane trying to find the bus at Sheremetyevo to taking the train, buying mango chips on the way to the airport to leave. Clearly being one of my favorite destinations to ever visit, the addition of all that snow (even the correlating temperatures) and the fact I flew back to Egypt where I was back at the beach the day after made it one of the weirdest experiences of my life. I wouldn't know if I had loved being there as much if I had been in different company, but even after the rest of the year I still liked looking back to being in Moscow and only have good memories, despite wishing I had made that experience with other people. But adding everything up, and I neither know why nor need to know, finally visiting Russia was definitely one of my highlights 2016, or even of my entire life.

I also saw Princess Elza and finally rode Space Mountain again... like 10 times... 

Mike is checking me out...

Do I really need to explain? The weekend I had in Paris was definitely one of my highlights. The company there was outstanding, and I just enjoyed being in France so much. After all these years of anticipating to return to Disneyland I wasn't let down, and we all know that anticipation is the express lane to being disappointed. Neither the weird weather nor the fact I missed the Christmas parade put any strains on my day at Disney, and I have tears in my eyes thinking back to it. But not just that, but the whole time in Paris, was so wonderful it makes me want to have one of those things Albus Dumbledore uses to save his memories, because I never want to forget the sunset at Montmartre, Camille knocking over a pot dancing for us, and playing Boule in front of the Bataclan, even though these things would slip people's memories. Not mine. For as long as I live.

I left Egypt for good... and didn't go back!

In 2016 I finally left Egypt, and I'm not gonna pretend it was hard. I know, Cairo is full of people who "hate and love Egypt", and I have no problem with them loving all the mess and craziness, but I wasn't a fan, at any given moment. Obviously, my life in Egypt was great, and I'm not a hypocrite for saying I didn't like living there while I had it so good. All I know is I had no problem leaving and never regretted it. Especially most people's reception towards me after I left, which shocked me at first, but very quickly turned into indifference and then even ridicule, made it even easier. With it came the lesson that criticism from people you may like but fundamentally disagree with (and in this particular instance even find embarrassing) isn't constructive, so why take it seriously? In a year of trying to discuss with Trump voters, the hate I received from people in Egypt was a great way to warm up my fingers. And in the end, even in moments I was hurt by it, I didn't have to care because I'm not in Egypt anymore and am way, way happier now, so it quite simply doesn't matter...

I dropped a few pounds and had to buy a new wardrobe (poor me!)

When I first returned to Germany I knew what was going to happen: it would be torture to find new friends, it would be boring as hell even if I found any, and I would be spending a lot of time by myself. After having enjoyed my solitude in Egypt massively, that didn't sound too bad to me right away. I did, however, fear that summer would just pass me by because I wasn't too keen on hanging out as much. I wanted to be outside, enjoy the green of my beautiful home country, and get rid of that terrible Cairo air in my lungs. So I started running. Soon my interest in running became a revelation: I don't wanna live without running. I hated running just as much as everyone else, but I loved seeing the green, breathing, being exhausted when jumping in a refreshing shower. After a few short weeks, I didn't even hate running anymore. And now I'm skinny. I had to donate most of my clothes and bought new stuff that would clearly not be a prudent fashion choice in Egypt, and turns out that made me pretty happy...

I didn't get a dog but my cat Charlotte was the next best thing... 

In January, while I was in Russia, my flatmate sent me a picture of a cat he found and asked me if I wanted to keep her. I wasn't a cat person, but I certainly didn't mind. Little did I know that in the following few weeks she would become the best. When I say "the best", you may ask yourself what kind of best: best cat? Best friend? Best thing to ever happen to me? The answer is all of the above. I hung out with Charlotte a lot because suddenly, staying home with hot chocolate or a glass of wine was no longer a thing I would do "alone" so I felt less bad for it. The truth was, and is, that I just enjoyed watching her purr on my lap more than going to some parties where I was bathing in cigarette smoke, so I ended up not going anymore. What's making it worse is that my cat Charlotte is the most adorable cat in the world. She is crazy cute, and now a year later I still "awww" every day I see her. She's made me very happy this year so she's definitely the best thing to come out of this year. It will kill me to leave her with my mom, her new BFF, but I'll write her every day... ok, no, I know, too far...