2019: Year of Regress?

For as long as this decade has been going, I wrote my own "year in review". I also usually made one for work, including this year (check out rewind.youtube for a flashback of my career this year), so the decade closing in is one hell of a project for me. Usually the biggest question I have to ask myself is if it was a good or a bad year; this time, I will have to ask myself if I'm happy with the outcome of the decade, when I only have one other decade I consciously lived to compare it to. And then, there is the fact that yes, this is the fourth turn of a decade I have been alive for, and that in itself clouds the perception as, with more time passing by, positivity lasts longer, but life shorter.

Having said that, without a doubt, this decade which pretty much lasted through my entire twenties, probably could not have been better. I was not one of these people who had it very easy in their twenties. Those lucky sons of bitches that had an easy time are disguising themselves well, as I never really hear much from them. There could be two reasons: 1. they keep their secrets to success hum or 2. (the far more likely possibility) being in your twenties simply isn't that easy. I started out the new decade as a first year in uni, obviously without a clue about what life is and what I was going to do with mine. "Be a journalist" or something along the line of "working for the media" was the big idea, shared by around 95% of the people in my graduating class, none of which now do anything remotely connected to what we thought we would be doing today.

The most prominent memory of my decade is the one of crying my eyes out, unable to stop, because I simply did not know I would ever "figure it out". After uni, I was thoroughly lost. Shocker really, I'm sure nobody can relate - not! My dreams of my PhD working out, my only ever real plan at a future, failed. I wasn't behind it enough, I was the wrong choice for the candidacy and had I really tried, I would not have finished. But who knows, right? I could have shot for my plan in high school of becoming a Hollywood star, in which case I would probably be dating Harry Styles by now, obviously. I mean, who really knows? It's not like what I ended up doing today was ever an active pursuit. And how could it have been: the job didn't really exist yet. Neither did the building I work in or the team I am on.

I could go on, again, how Egypt, falling in love, getting a tech job and overcoming the various bad things that happened changed my life, but that's just the way life is: stuff happens, you learn from it, hopefully don't fall apart. Through the cracks, I see a very exciting life; three decades of unexpected, undeserved and underestimated awesomeness. This decade was milked, and everything that was possible to happen, happened. It makes me very optimistic about the future, as this coming decade will hold adventures I can't even picture now. If I want to ever become a mother, this decade will be when that will likely happen. I'll also hopefully live in much fewer countries and will hopefully start owning my first car, if it makes sense. Maybe, just maybe, at 31-year-old, I might actually stop living with roommates. And, let's pray, that whatever will happen, I get to have a dog.

This past year got me closer to it, but mainly, it just showed me that my progress was regress in some departments. After the bad things that happened in my relationships, I am fully aware why I watch my friends get married and am, myself, nowhere close to ready for that. My career which I prioritised in the 2010s has borne the fruits I wanted, but my personal life definitely suffered as a result. This year, I really only worked. I love the job, but I really did not do much else - and I regret that. This job allowed me to speak at events in seven countries, I shared a stage with Nico Rosberg and met HP . Baxxter, so complaining is ridiculous. But while traveling and working 24/7, yeah, you really cannot date or sit down to write a book, two thingsI would have quite liked to do. I progressed professionally, but I allowed it to compensate for the regress I have been making in human relationships.

The last few days I really thought about what I want in the new decade, and I suppose that is the problem: If I knew, I could pursue. But I don't. I didn't actively pursue the best things I have in my life now. I have learned my lesson and I get it: life is hard to predict. But for now a little bit of focus on processing the last decade sounds like a good idea, so I don't carry that stuff around with me. I'm pretty much exactly where I want to be at the turn of the decade, I am merely scared I will be in the same place by the turn of the next one. Progress is essential. For me more than anyone. I want a dog, a house and a new hobby, but I need more quiet, a creative breathing space and the courage to reflect. It seems easy enough to see through. So I suppose what I'm saying is... bring it on, roaring 20s. Looks like I'm ready for you!

Travel Pro Tip #X: Duty Free Saves My Skin

“I want a job that lets me travel!” You’ve heard the sentence. And if your life has gone in any way like mine, you laugh inside every time someone says it. There were times in my life where I, too, loved traveling. Those days are definitely in the past. Also, work travel isn’t holiday. You almost never see any of the places unless you really try, and that in turn is exhausting. “Exhausting” is the only word I can think of, by the way, when thinking of any sort of air travel. But, God damn it, I live on an island, and so every time I go anywhere for work, I have to get on a plane. I hate flying so much, my two “holidays” this year so far were booked to Dorset and Scotland. As flying, airports and general travelness had taken a toll on me, I had to come up with something that would make it better. Enter my airport beauty routine: I do facials at Duty Free - FOR FREE!

Yes, you read that right. I go to Duty Free shops and, depending on time, go through their entire range. Hanging out at the airport is one of the worst things to do, and whatever you do, you always look horrible after a day of traveling - unless you do it like me and test the most expensive, extravagant beauty products. None of that is forbidden. In fact, if I really loved something, of course I’d buy it. Well, to be completely honest that’s probably a lie because I do test the whole La Prairie range which would have a combined value of almost a thousand pounds - and that is not happening. But man, is it good.

Last week, when flying to Dublin, I arrived 20 minutes before gate closure. That is enough time for my favorite routine: Lancome Absolue X Rose Cleanser, then Tonic, the eye serum and cream as well as the Absolue X light serum and day cream (or night, depending on the time, of course). After I went through it, I did a little stop at Mac to test some lipgloss and the Mac lady literally said: “You’ve got great skin, you look like you just had a facial!” I kid you not, that really happened. I mean, that whole range is about 500 dollars so I better look that way. I told her, I kind of did just have a facial. 

Sometimes, when I am super early, like on today’s flight to Warsaw, I do a little face mask as well. Not all of them are clear, so sometimes I take a little amount in my hand and apply it in the bathroom. A really nice Sisley one called Black Rose I liked a lot costs 90 pounds, so that’s actually a great value treatment right there. One time, on International Women’s Day leaving Geneva, the store assistant literally helped me apply it. “You deserve to be spoiled”, she said. If the product she was applying hadn’t been 156 pounds I would have loved to buy it just for the major sales job she did. But I don’t have that kind of money.

The truth is, without the full range of Shiseido currently on me, I would be looking rather tired right now. But the range is called Cellular Renewal and everything I applied has a combined value of over 250 pounds. Other than Clinique and Clarins, I have found most of the products worth the money though. Sure, I can’t afford them, but if I could and would apply them every day I can definitely see myself looking like JLo at 50. Until I can afford them, I will keep testing, so when my investments take off and I actually become richer I will know what to get, right away. Today’s Cellular Renewal Mask for 84 Euros will be top of the list. Thank you for saving my teint, duty frees of this world!

4 8 15 16 23 42: How "The Island" Healed Me

Summer has gone really fast. This whole year has. I genuinely can still recreate every memory of walking along the shores of Dorset in August where I got a cottage by myself for a few days to relax. I had less than five pieces of clothing with me, only really needing a hiking outfit, yoga pants and a summery dress which I didn't end up wearing. I had tan lines where my hiking boots sat, I was, outside, for eight or nine hours every day, walking through the most stunning scenery, and I allowed some thoughts to go through my head that are usually safely stored away in my insanely busy life. And because I did, it's easy to see how they had changed when I did the same thing again in Hawaii this month. 

I have been haunted by a ghost for now three years. I tried a few things to exorcise this ghost, often claiming I did it. But I never did. This ghost is pretty private and not the subject of a public blog post but it was there almost every time I wrote a word in the last two years and a half. The ghost led my fingers to write many of the things I wrote over that time period without ever being named. But being haunted is scary, let me tell you. Having a ghost show up whenever you walk through a countryside by yourself, when you give your mind the chance to reflect and remember, makes you scared of the bliss that is relaxation, winding down, being alone. In Dorset, only a few months ago, that ghost was with me. In Hawaii, it finally left me alone for once.

Hawaii was the first time in a long time I was smiling when I was walking through these amazing places. There is no place I love being more than where fresh air, silence and the color green are the ghosts. I got off the plane in Hawaii smiling so much the airport staff laughed. There were many moments I just couldn't believe where I was. These things keep happening to me that blow all of my expectations, and my eyes didn't stay dry thinking about the fact I was on an island in the Pacific, like Jack, Kate and Hurley, which I never imagined I'd ever be lucky enough to visit. Never! And yet there I was, picking up a car to spend a week driving around that island, enjoying the bliss that is a mind free from my ghost.

Distance really is a thing, isn't it? I didn't think about anything but the amazing beauty I was seeing when I headed to my first dinner on the island. I was eating a fish taco, drinking a beer and listening to a local singer sing Hawaiian songs while a woman was dancing the hula and dolphins were frequenting the bay the restaurant was located at. I joked to the girl I had just met that if I went home the next day the trip would already have been worth it. When you fill your body with that much positivity, amazing things will happen. And it really, really was just the beginning of all the amazing things that would happen.

I met a guy the next day who ended up doing most of these amazing things with me the whole week long. He was an "island boy", so very different from my "city girl". We talked for hours - including about ghosts. Mine was in the back of my mind sometimes but the stunning adventures I was getting up to occupied the front of my mind. There were many moments I wanted to "freeze", trying to memorize colors, scents and sounds so I'd have an easier time remembering them. Some moments are just so good, no memory would ever be good enough. And therefore the ghost stayed away. The conversations I was having with this guy made me realize that the back of my mind is where the ghost belonged, nowhere near my attention. In a way, this guy became an exorcist: his years on that island had equipped him with the mindset I needed to be taught to leave the ghost somewhere. Somewhere else.

What was it about that island that was so healing? Sure thing, the stunning views, the fish taco, the company and the absence of any duties do a little magic. But above all, somewhere along that week, I recovered my self worth. My crazy life, so busy and full of things that are supposed to keep the ghosts at bay, was on hold without the solitude of an island making me think about all that had passed - and hurt - in the last three years. I could feel my heart rate returning to normal, my jaw relaxing at the sight of the rolling hills and my mind being utterly filled with gratitude instead of dark memory. I think, maybe it was time, I just never gave myself the chance to have this experience. I think that's what they call "processing feelings". I suppose I just allowed to let a bit of the "Mahalo" in. It's easy when you wake up to THIS every morning...