Tuesday, December 26, 2017

The Top 5 Best Christmas Songs Of All Time

Christmas never had a bigger fan than me. I’m very often slightly blue at Christmas because I miss my father or someone I would have liked to spend the holidays with me. But overall, time for those movies, those mulled wines and THOSE SONGS is just great news. Yes, yes, the birth of our Lord, that’s great piece of news, but those songs…! I started Christmas on November 12 this year with my tree and playlist, and kept saying “oh wow, this is my favorite Christmas song” because they’re just all so good. But now, a day after, it’s time to settle this. THESE are the best songs for Christmas:

1.Darlene Love – Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

This song is perfect. It works for a blue Christmas and Christmas cheer. The lyrics are sad and relatable, the melody a holiday banter parade. That key change makes me shiver. I can sing my pipes out when doing this one. I’m imagining a 90s New York Christmas movie when hearing this, the woman running towards a man, kissing him in the snow under a mistletoe. In other words: I’m imagining a cheesy 90s Christmas movie that’s only acceptable in the season of love. And Darlene Love’s best song is going to be relevant for all of time. There isn’t a single holiday that we don’t miss someone once we’ve reached a certain age. So, without being sad, I can sing this cheerful song that’s really about missing somebody. Because I do, of course…

2.Christmas Canon

I don’t know what I remember when I hear Christmas Canon but my heart is filled with those early childhood memories that hurt like hell when you just begin being an adult. I had a very rough start into adulthood. At 16, I was left on my own in the States, no longer being able to do what children do: go home and cry to my daddy. A year later, I didn’t even have one. I often missed being a child and was not ready to grow up. Christmas Canon always reminds me of that. It’s a song from children, for children, and Christmas is a time for children; maybe that’s why my heart feels funny when I hear it. It’s easier these days, my heart no longer hurts, because I’m so flipping happy to be grown up. Nevertheless, one day, I think, this feeling will come back. Maybe I’ll miss being in my 20s. I find it highly likely with the life I’m living…

3.Frankie Goes To Hollywood – The Power of Love

One of my earliest childhood memories is my father giving us a computer for Christmas. We were in the attic, setting up Windows 95. The computer was going to change our lives, we didn’t even know how much yet. On the radio, this song came on, and for the first time in my life, I remember, a song almost made me cry. I didn’t understand a word because I didn’t speak English but the melody was so heartbreaking to me. That was one of my happiest moments of my life, I was so excited about the computer, and all of my family was together. Today, I understand this song, which makes it no less special. I genuinely believe that love is the best thing in the world and that it can “clean the soul”. One of the reasons I never got married is the following line; I want nothing short of this in my life before I’d consider doing that:
“I'll protect you from the hooded claw
Keep the vampires from your door
When the chips are down
I'll be around with my undying
Death defying love for you
Envy will hurt itself”

4.Oh Holy Night

My favorite of all the traditional songs is definitely Oh Holy Night. Sure, I really don’t care so much when Jesus was born, knowing there’s only a one in 365 chance it really was December 25, but this is what we grow up believing. If I ever have children, I would love for them to live Christmas the way I did when I was a kid although. This song is this early memory of singing along to the English Christmas songs I liked so much, only understanding “Jesus” and “Christmas”. Then, I believed, one day my own kids would be singing this song. And right now, if I have kids, it looks very much like they will.

5.Shakin Stevens – Merry Christmas Everyone

In uni, this was the last song that would come on at the Union before we started our break. The big Friday Christmas Party would play this song at 2.27am, the lights came on right after. And then, we were all hugging and kissing as we parted ways for that year. This memory is so wonderful because it is the essence of Christmas: being together, counting blessings and enjoying each other’s company. Sure, I was also very, very tipsy but that’s not what made the moment. I hope I will never take for granted that I was lucky enough to have those friends that I missed while I was in Germany for two weeks and that I had something to come “home” to – after I had gone home.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

The simple English country life - that life they all want?

Today, I was walking in a cute Cambridge neighborhood. You've seen English movies, you can imagine this idyllic serenity. The air smelled of cookies, every front yard had fresh flowers and the look into the houses revealed a luscious Christmas tree and a motherf**ing fireplace. My company brought a dog and so me and English gentleman were walking through the smallest city in the world, looking into family homes displaying all of that insane happiness people want to see there. I was wearing a hat, he was wearing leather gloves, the sun was shining and we were living the countryside dream. Like, even a dog was there. Sounds good right? Almost perfect. Yeeeah, let's talk about that. This entire city is full of people who came here to live that dream. Most of them brought two kids. But me and doggy daddy were thoroughly unimpressed. Turns out there's two people in this town that are not living this dream.

"Would you want to live this life?", I asked him. We talked about this a lot before, quite possibly bonding over the fact we were quite possibly the only two people in Cambridge that didn't actually come here to procreate. It looks sooo good, that life. As if I didn't want a house. Or a dog. And a roast every Sunday. The truth is, and that makes it so hard to want it, what else is there? I've been in this life for almost 30 years and sooo much has happened. No year was like the other, I was very rarely bored. I then decided to take up the least boring job in the world, as had this guy, journalism, and we never did anything to get any closer to this life we saw in this street today. We were always able to change everything about ourselves on a whim. Soon he is getting on a one way plane to the other side of the world. If he had a house, a dog, this life, that would simply not be happening.

I feel like this life is the place people work for. But when you achieve that, what else do you work for? I've been looking for love for 15 years but what if I found it? I've been working on my career for ten, but what if I got a house and settled down? I've been living arguably the most exciting life I could have, but what if I had a child? I like the unpredictability of life and the fact my life today is the opposite of what it was this time last year. Once I buy that house in that street, get that dog and make that baby, that's what it will be from there on out. It's what they call "arriving". I understand everyone wants that, as do I. The idea sounds so beautiful. But the expectation sounds unlikely to hold up because expectations are rarely a good thing. This one, 30 years in the making, sounds like an epic way to feel empty very quickly. Can a simple reality, a never-changing routine, satisfy a person for 30 or more years if the previous 30 were the complete opposite? I would love if it could. I doubt it can.

So since I had these thoughts today I decided to knock myself out: I watched 'The Holiday'. I saw this movie before, needed a Christmas film, and remembered the English countryside life to be the theme of this cheese feast. Let's forget it's actually the cheesiest movie in the world, but here we have Jude Law being a rural daddy in the nicest of places with the cutest of kids. It's been 11 years since I saw it first, thinking that one day I would live that life: suburban London, working at the paper, making hot chocolate for my children. Well, not quite huh? I see Kate Winslet's house in Surrey now and find it just as appealing as in 2006, only today I know something very real: that's not me. It might never be. I see the movie, and reality, and I'm happy for everyone who found their happiness that way. I just doubt that the eventuality of that life would not scare me. Why "arrive" when you can keep traveling?

I could very well only think that because living that life is not in the cards for me right now. Then again, the fact I can't for sure say that this is what I do or do not want, means there's quite a lot left to figure out before making the decision. I feel many people haven't actually given it the necessary thought but just rolled with the expectation that buying a house, having a family and making roasts is what life is all about. It's a great idea, it's just not the only one. I sincerely hope I turn into the person at peace with herself enough to be able to live this life, maybe making more life for the right reasons, but I simply don't know yet if I will. And if I don't, I don't think that's a bad thing. There's a whole world out there, not just an English cul-de-sac.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Movember: "But wait, Sina, you cant grow a moustache!"


A few weeks ago, my colleague mentioned Movember. You know, that charity thing where men wear mustaches to raise money for cancer and stuff. I knew it from uni where November was always the funnest month, culminating in an 80s party so that all these mos could be displayed while drinking copious amounts. So yeah, that sounded fun. Amazon, hundreds of Computerfreaks with a mustache, could be worse. The idea to do it with my four colleagues, all men, quickly died. It just wasn't good enough. Two minutes later, I had created an all Amazon team, got my team members in Luxembourg and Munich on board, and prepared to make a few bucks. Another two minutes later, I had decided I would be doing this with the entire Cambridge office, they just didn't know it yet. Fast forward one month and a bit, all these people raised almost 4,000 pounds, we completely transformed the workplace and the way people talk about mental health and... I am now the president of a charities committee I didn't even know existed. But let's start up top...

The whole Movember thing was about mental health for me. Not only do I know many affected men, I lost two to suicide this year. What can be done? Raising money certainly won't do it. But I started thinking about my immediate surroundings first as I like doing when 'reaching out' with something of a charitable cause. Amazon, my workplace, hires men that like sitting at computers, seldom exercise and then get a wasabi for lunch, all while working too much because working at Amazon is actually either super demanding or super fun or both. Losing oneself in a life we live really isn't that hard. We choose it, yet we allow it to take over sometimes. And a healthy life simply looks different. Throw in a wife and two kids, and a man will definitely say no thanks to a run after work or a counselor on Saturday. So whether we want it or not, we're all part of the problem. Luckily, we're all part of the cure as well: friendship!

So I knew that the money this would make wouldn't save my coworkers' lives. As far as I was concerned, if there was one Amazonian who had ever hated their life, the fact they saw their employer take initiative in tackling mental health at the workplace would be a game-changer. I want to work for someone who cares about community and accepting people no matter what they are or what they struggle with. So I had to make my workplace that place. It would change lives, not only of those whose life was threatened. I came up with some event ideas that would bring everyone together. Sure, we'd make some money, but mainly we would get to know each other and possibly make connections that would lead to friendships someone who struggles feels comfortable enough with to seek help with. Whoever thought the office was a place we just come to because someone pays us to do it would have had a hard time getting through this month.

On day one I got a barber to shave the men, we had golf sessions on our corporate rooftop for people to make friends, a pub quiz, talks about mental health and male cancer, a lunch event in which some amazing colleagues volunteered to cook for everyone and a closing party. It sucked so much to get everyone to contribute, it was hard as f***. One guy started a book sale, some did bake sales. Most people did nothing. But woah, that's not what we came here to read. If they wanted it or not, all of my colleagues had to give male health issues at least a thought during this month. I dare say that some might even have reflected whether they are acting correctly. And then, most importantly, those silent people who possibly know that they have issues they feel alone with saw that we are all at the very least interested in helping them. If we can remains a different questions, but hopefully they know. I know people in my surroundings know I will not judge and will help where I can. And so, the mission has been accomplished.

My favorite moment was when I was talking to a new hire that said to me he enjoyed the events because it was the only time he got to meet people outside of his team. I have no trouble with this, I know the vast majority of the office, but others are not loud and do accept the nos I got for trying to befriend people, and for them to have gotten together means a lot to me. Another guy came up to me with some ideas, now he might join our committee that I was pretty much made the chair of that brings these people together. We have affinity groups for minority employees and all of them now feel empowered to actually do something to make Amazon a community and not just their job. To have had a hand in that feels really good although it cost me almost all of my free time and some of my work time. Don't tell my boss... Or do because he was on the team and gave the d'accord for this so basically I owe him a thank you. I will temporarily retire from my charity role now because damn, I'm tired, but maybe a small fire has started and this will be a catalyst for change. And at the end of the day, through all this talk maybe someone actually learned we're not immortal and we need to take care of ourselves... And each other!