I cannot believe that I am a person that learns how to be myself through pop music but last week, it happened: Shakira and Miley Cyrus of all people gave me a "shattering glass" moment (thanks, Robin Scherbatsky): I am terrible at breakups. Have I actually really ever broken up with anyone? It's a fair question given I still talk to all of my exes. Maybe it's the patriarchy teaching me to be "nice" in ladylike fashion but maybe it's just me never being mad at anyone... hold on, that just didn't sound right. I hear this too: everyone gets mad sometimes! So, well, something is up here. Maybe the reason I am friends with all of my exes is not the effect of "them being really nice guys" but me never getting the lessons Shakira and Miley got. Let me explain...
I was the person that felt like the worst you could do to a guy that hurt you was the silent treatment, show them you "don't care". The revenge bone isn't a strong one in my body. And then, even worse, I just wasn't angry, even when one of them cheated then lied about it for a year, one fucked his friend's sister in our bed during a break and one casually slipped some heroin. And while I whole-heartedly do not give a shit, it somehow feels unnatural to just be silent if someone mistreated you. My attitude was that the fact they were no longer dating me was bad enough; I still liked them as people. That part is very hard to turn off when you regarded someone in a positive light for a long time; it FEELS like they are still good people. But I am no longer sure they were.
When my ex told me he cheated on me, it took three days for me to scream at him. I screamed in his face "you cheated on me!" during an argument, and I honestly think he probably was relieved to hear it. He knew he blew it. My reaction of, well, not reacting to the news had given him the feeling he still had a shot. He believed that for a very long time because I was nice to him. We remained friends. In fact, we kinda stayed together because we were at that point living together. I knew the trust for the future was gone through the cheating, but I still liked him as a person. Retrospectively, I am not sure this was a good way to handle that. He cheated on me. After everything he knew about me. That's not cool. That's not just a mistake, that's horrible. I should have called Bizzarap immediately and I definitely should have told him to bite it.
I struggle with this on every level. Last year, a friend I really appreciated really hurt my feelings, details irrelevant. When it was happening, he was sitting on my balcony sipping coffee. So absurd. In my house. I was taken aback by the experience of this person I felt like was a nice human being turning out to be an insensitive, disappointing coward within just a few minutes. He asked me how I was feeling about what we had discussed. I told him I would probably need a few days to think about that. I couldn't fathom I had been so wrong about him. And he probably still doesn't know to this day that his behavior was really hurtful because I stayed nice. Because he doesn't have to care. I even thought if it was my fault. Because his intentions...were good? It took a few days for me to realize I was hurt, mad, and most importantly, not interested in being friends with someone like that. Too late to get mad now. I regret not doing it when it was appropriate.
I went the silent route, duh! Easiest when you don't like someone. My desire for retribution for people who hurt me is clearly broken. It's enough for me to know that this hurtful behavior was a mistake on his part, I don't need him to know. But I was still struggling to accept that this guy had actually fooled me. He wasn't nice. Nice people don't act the way he did. He sucked and I was hurt, do we really need to know anything else? Like who's fault it was (definitely not mine!). I refrained from even saying anything. Worse even, for a few weeks after I MISSED being friends. Because it's not easy realizing people you appreciate are not worth that. And so you think: am I overreacting?
If I'm hurt, the answer should be no. That's it. I am terrible at this. So bad. I keep making excuses for these people who hurt me because deep down, I don't want to cut them out. I seem to think that cutting out doesn't achieve anything. It's the times when I was younger where I was accused of making a scene when I got mad that were in my head. What's wrong with making a scene? It's better than being the one who does the hurting. Because I never got to say my part while I was breaking up with people, because I hadn't realized I was mad yet, I became one of those letter writers. A few times, I didn't send them off because I thought of myself as dramatic. I made the wrong decision. There is no expiration date on anger; one day mine will erupt out of me like a volcano.
I wish I had been Shakira a lot more often. What an absolute queen if the rumors are true and she has put a mannequin in her window pointing at her mother-in-law's house. And sure, my exes are not Gerard Pique, who sucks, but did I mention cheating? Birthdays, Christmas, random Tuesdays, I stayed "friends". One has now stopped sending me cute animal videos because, I am guessing, he has satisfied what he got out of talking to me, which was selfish, of course, because I'm sure there is a new girl now to send cute animal video to. That makes me mad. It makes me really angry. Because it was never about staying the nice guy, it was about staying the nice guy as long as it served him. I think I have reason to be mad about that. But what can I do now? It's too late. The time for a scene has passed...
My friend Patricia calls this "making a scandal". She recently broke up with her boyfriend and was telling me how she went over to his house to "make a scandal". This is probably a term in Portuguese (she's Brazilian!) but I was high-fiving her. She was mad, she got it out of her system. Although I don't know what she said, I don't even care if it was fair to him. It doesn't matter if he deserved it. As her boyfriend, his job is to prevent her from feeling the need for a scandal. He failed. So her emotions are valid. And if she wants to get loud about them, I envy her ability to do it. One of my former lovers told me just THIS WEEK he was never frightened of me. This is terrible news. He should have been. I should definitely have tried to kill him (instead, here I am texting him "get well soon" to his hospital bed.... pfff).
I blame my father...
My father was a very weak man who did pretty shit things. He was pathetic, really. And my mom was never mad at him. I never heard her scream. I wish she had. He didn't deserve for her to be nice, give him chances. It's hard to criticize a person for being loving but I am mad at my mother for not teaching me that when men do you wrong, you show them consequences. You express how you feel, you hold them accountable. If that's a revenge song released on your ex-husband's birthday, go Miley. I wasn't taught that. Being at an all-girls school certainly didn't teach me. As a result, I dated a lot of weak guys who I was very nice to. And being weak is not an inherent vice, but the shit they pulled on me is. But because they were so weak, so seemingly lovely, I didn't want to become the monster that freaked out on them.
But I've learned very important lessons, and it might have taken me longer than the average person but action and intentions are two completely different things. If actions hurt me, the intentions don't matter. We say the same about racism and sexism. When I am discriminated against by an old, white guy, does it matter he meant well? Of course not. So why am I still calling my exes, who lied, cheated, took drugs, undermined me, gaslit me, you name it, nice people? Stupid is as stupid does, clearly people who do bad things at least qualify as bad men in a way. It's not hard to become a bad man. But you know what's easier: being a good guy. It's really easy. I managed to be a good woman. I didn't hurt any of them. So I think I should practice my "scandals" a bit more.
