Sunday, December 30, 2018

Leaving Thoughts: See Ya Never, 2018!

Another year, another blog post about the year that has passed. After 2017, the year of endless happiness, this year took a different approach. It all kicked off week one with my two best friends leaving the country. My favorite colleague and the only one I ever spoke to after work (or should I say "spoke at") left to Australia, leaving me with an empty chair to my left. I used to call that a bad start to a year, now I know it was just a taste of what was to come. Just a few months later, I left my chair as well. What followed was antagonizing boredom and the quest to not go crazy. Oh, and a lot of new insights into, like, who I am. Just in time for my big birthday in January, I had to once again ask myself: what do I want to do with my life? Where do I want to live? What have I learned from the good times and the bad? On the last day of 2018, I can call the year a success, though. Because I know the answers.

When I look back at my year, it's hard to remember most things. Up to May when the end of my Amazon time became apparent, the only feeling I remember was "I think the end of my Amazon time is nigh". There was also the normal mix of being upset about men treating me badly and utter bliss about how much fun I was having with my friends. Yep, that's really it. That's all I remember. As leaving the job was by far the hardest thing to do in 2018, I tried to make a new plan. My friends who had helped me through any bad times in the last two years were planning their departures from Cambridge as well. In fact, even when I was still at Amazon, so was I. So, therefore, as soon as there was time and opportunity to make the first change, I knew what it was.

After another month on our Cambridge patio, my two best friends in the house and I decided to clear our rooms in our loved-up house. Jesus went to Miami, Rocio and I to London. This move was the first big step towards the new direction. I knew it had to be London. The ship has sailed on Germany, and after two glorious years in England I was sure it is now home. Going to London had been teenage Sina's dream so it seemed like a no-brainer. Best. Decision. Ever. I moved in temporarily with my friend Katie in West London. I went running along the river Thames. I meditated every day. I started dating again (oh, how I hate that expression). You could say, I was back. I just needed a job.

What was it gonna be? I took some time to get aquatinted to writing a book, a lifelong dream. After two months, I was way too bored to do it full-time. It seemed more like a hobby if paired with a versatile job. But what should it be? This cluelessness that is quite common in your 20s was back again, only now I was 29 and knew it would fade. But I did become impatient at times; I just wanted to get up with a purpose in the morning. Most available jobs bored me and I had some really crappy moments where I thought it was hopeless. It was probably the meditation that helped me to stay positive but I knew, I just knew, that I was waiting. I wasn't being lazy or defeated, I was waiting for the day that would bring me a job ad that would make me feel the tingles. And I was right, the day did come.

2018 made me an esoteric woman; I went deeper into my own personality and found stuff I didn't want to. I became aware of insecurity and structures of thinking that definitely didn't have to see the light of day. And throughout it all, I managed to stay positive which I am very proud of. A lot of people pitied me this year, I could feel it. It was a horrible feeling. But as of this year, I no longer know if that is because they are only feeling sorry for me now or because I never noticed it before. Awareness really is the key to all change, isn't it? I had to realize I wanted to live in London before I could make that awesome change. And I became aware that me leaving Amazon was not a mistake early on without having a better deal lined up.

Best year, worst year? I don't know. I think we can all agree that it wasn't a good year. In a good year, your friends do not feel like they have to make you a video with all the good things that happened to you in the year you lived with them to cheer you up a week before you're leaving a job you love. But they did that, and along with the week we all stayed in a villa in Spain to watch two of us get married, it is my highlight 2018. I would be nothing, absolutely nothing, without the people I have befriended over the years. That is also awareness at work in 2018. I would literally be homeless right now if I didn't have friends. And so despite some pretty crap events, those who pity me should probably envy me. Dark times bring out what really matters, and I know what it is. And in any case, I start a new job next week, move hopefully the following week, so there is no better moment to say "suck it 2018, bring it on, new year!"

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

What Made 2018 Awesome?

Oh dear, thank God that's over. My years seem to take turns: one year life is amazing, the next one, not so much! 2018 was a bit of a downer. Lots of unfortunate events that would manifest in my writing as "learning experiences". Except for the World Cup, that stuff was just baaad. I really don't mind bad years so much; I definitely learned more in 2018 than I did in 2017, the year of Awesome! The silver lining is easy: 2019 is going to be fantastic. For many reasons: 1. It can almost only get better, and 2. I got that feeling! It's nice to have the experiences of this year in the bag to make a bigger impact next year.

And of course, I love a look back. The year was full of stories, people, and impressions. Despite what I just said, I had some of the best moments of my life this year. Since this is highly personal, I thought I'd make my own look back of the best moments of 2018.

#1
All of the women 
I would like to think the world is changing... 
Last year, as my colleague Philipp and I were walking to the Munich Christmas Market, he told me that "2018 is going to be the year of the woman". Of course, I'd read it a hundred times. To hear that from the mouth of a man made me feel something all the other stuff that had already happened, namely #MeToo, failed to make me feel: hopeful it might actually be true. I personally don't need a year to be the year of the woman. I don't need things to be amazing for women. What I did need, and what I got, was women starting to believe in themselves and men supporting them. I'm talking Serena Williams who got a pretty great coverage when calling out the referee at the US Open. Although pointless in the truest sense of the word by sheer fact that she is now a member of a pointless family, Meghan Markle was celebrated for being strong, working for a greater good and, well, anything other than just being super f***ing good-looking (which she also is). Would Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez have won in 2017? We will never know, but it was a big story that made me feel empowered to reach high.

#2
The World Cup
When I took this video, I was still a World Champion!
I know, if a tournament that you had tickets for is featured in a year, it must be a highlight. As many know, I had tickets for the final of the World Cup which, given the circumstances, was unfortunate. I never saw my boys in the final, never mind in any of the final rounds, and altogether this World Cup was a shitshow from a Germans perspective. Sure, I still had England, the country I lived in but I failed to get excited with every performance because, frankly, why were they there? It seems unfair that a team like England went on to semis while Spain had to go home. But, I went to Russia for the last week of the tournament, and what I experienced there, I will never forget. To have positive moments in July 2018 when the job I loved was coming to an end was not an easy feat. Thanks to some international friends I made there, it was achieved though. Seeing people from everywhere in one place (not on the internet, but with your own eyes) was tremendous. And, as the previous point, a true source of hope for a better world.

#3
Seattle
View from "Day 1" in Seattle
Visiting the Amazon Headquarters in April was a great experience. Looking back, I really don't think I had that great of a time. There were some weird moments, professionally and personally, I cannot really talk about. It wasn't a big fest of people finally meeting and creating great stuff together. But it was at the "mothership". Being part of any mothership is a wonderful feeling, and knowing that my mothership was changing the future made me feel very proud. I also enjoyed experiencing actual human exchange with people I worked with and realized it is quite hard for me to not want to befriend colleagues because we obviously have a lot in common (at least 8 hours of our daily schedules, that's quite a bit!). My time at Amazon is now over but it makes me feel good that I am able to claim I made an impact at something as massive as the eight-block office complex in Seattle, WA.

#4
No Rain for four months
A little gathering at ours for just the closest friends... :/
This year, my hobbies took a beating. I have many, many interests (although most of them are available to explore in books or on the internet, and almost none of them in Cambridge, UK) but the four months of no rain in this country were spent almost entirely on the patio. When you live with seven people, seven of whom are your best friends and you love them, there is no better place than home. Throughout all the struggles of 2018, I always had a patio to sit on with at least one of them. We also worked out, setting up the computer and a YouTube workout in the garden, kept chickens and sat in circles with guitars, like a f***ing cult. In fact, I never felt, throughout all my achievements in life, big or small, like people had more reason to envy me that in those days.

#5
London
I have no intention of ever being too "London" to love WW!
I moved to London, finally. A lifelong goal became reality and I was not disappointed. I moved in with my friend Katie which ended up being pretty special and I had a lot of time to explore my new home. After a couple of months, I already understand how some of my friends could sometimes tell me which Tube line to take without checking the map; I can do that now. I already figured out that I am not a Hackney person and that I enjoy hanging out at Blues Kitchen (mainly because it is possibly the only place that plays music I actually know). I spent four nights in two weeks at the Winter Wonderland, each visit better than the last, and if I wasn't leaving for the holidays, I'd consider a visit on Christmas Day (of course, as a fan I know WW is closed then). I know this doesn't make me a Londoner; it actually makes me the opposite. But I love it here, and it's my favorite move since the last one...