2023: When Failing To Fulfil Expectations Became The Best Year Of My Life!

Tasting a good wine is a pleasure I knew nothing about when I was younger. When I was a bridesmaid at my friend Claire's wedding this November, I was telling her dad how the bottle he shared with me in 2010 changed how I felt about wine. For Claire's wedding, he shared Abbessee Sauvignon Blanc with me - I remember their names now! It was one of those rare moments in life where you realize - helped by company, setting and circumstance - how you have changed: I have become a wine lover - against expectation -, evident in 2022 also by my choice of vacation spots and Saturday night activities. But I have also become the person that accepts that I am a wine lover: probably fairly snobby, knee deep in privilege and too boring to opt for a rum & coke, like back when I first met Claire's dad in uni. As I sit with my virtual pen and paper here once again to reflect on my year (while drinking a Sangiovese from Toscany haha lame!), the truth is palpable: I've become many things I didn't expect.

Gay men in their 30s and 40s
are basically ideal for single ladies

You probably think I refer to my surprise that Christmas time when you are 33 years old, single, not married and without a dog is different because one imagined "33" looks different; it does for most of the people that mingle in the old streets of Aachen, my hometown. But I have heard many interpretations of what this age should represent, depending on where I lived. In Hanford, CA, where I was an exchange student in 2005, my high school BFF has a teenage son now. His 33 couldn't look more different from mine although - I believe - we are kind of the same person. In my hometown, the annual piss up before Christmas Eve this year revealed that we "lost" quite a few people to parenthood in the last year. Also fine. But look at me: I am not that 33. And while not all of this happened by choice, it's really hard to see how it could have ever been different.

I never chose this 33. I wanted, very much, to be in love at 33. The reason this didn't happen wasn't the result of my own doing but merely the actions of those I did fall in love with. They blew that - not me! It's actually quite sad I wasn't in love with anyone this year. When my last boyfriend and I put a final stop to "it", the clock had just gone announcing 2022 so it was symbolic timing. But soon I was 33 and society perceived I am running on another clock. This clock has a different plan for what 33 should look like - and that's not traveling across the globe, going to raves, drinking in hot tubs and sit on a topless guy's shoulders at an Open Air Scooter concert - yet that's what I did this year. And I regret nothing. In fact, it seems, it was the happiest year of my life. Yeah, that was unexpected... 

It's easy to accept a different kind of 33 when you 
aren't alone in the slightest... 

But unexpected isn't bad! I have no clue who came up with that. There is no reason for me to not be pleased with my life. Sure, I am lacking recognition at work, I could lose a few pounds and I live too far from the forest; these aren't problems, they're part of this weird experience of being alive. It's pretty shitty for a lot of people - but not me! I get to be a person that chooses to be happy. Cup half full kinda thing. As much as I had hoped I'd be in love now, some unexpected turns in my life, like living in Berlin and working in tech, are not things I expected to be part of this life for me. How could I have expected that; it wasn't a thing when I set my teenage dreams. Disappointment is therefore only the result of an incorrectly set expectation. 

In 2022, I had a lot of moments where I felt like I should be disappointed because life had taken turns I didn't expect - until I realized that decisions have no effect on the outcome of the story. Occasionally, I feel mad at myself because I didn't move to LA ten years ago to become a writer; could it have been harder than the last ten years? That decision was made to further security over creative happiness. I left journalism for the same reason. But at the same time, these decisions brought on circumstances that, you know, sucked. I moved to Cambridge to start a new life and career - which would have been a great shout if I hadn't fallen in love with the first guy I met there ever and allowed him to break my heart ten times. Now I can't even regret the decision because taking that tech job got me the one I have now, the life I now have. But it also got me the scar. It's a deep fucking scar. And ultimately probably also explains why my 33 looked the way it did. 

It's me, getting drunk by myself on MCC at a
wine farm in Cape Town in a bikini in February 
(I did probably get Covid there #worthit)

So overall, 2022 sometimes feels like failure. Because I did want career advancement, I wanted to fall in love, I did want to, like all years, find the place I want to stay. And in yet another year, this did not happen. But I had so much fun. So much fun! I often sat in my room, like right now, feeling so deeply fortunate and grateful for my life. The good things in my life outweigh the bad by, like, a lot. I cannot help to feel like it was the best year of my life with a lot of love for myself and high fiving me for being so awesome. Because the things I do have are not just the result of luck. I'm pretty badass. But all this is unexpected: I planned, like you all, to be a mother by now but I am loving not being one. I feel bad for saying it but I often cannot believe so many people want a different 33 than mine. Ouch! I am an arrogant bitch but it's working, I'm happy, so I guess I win... 

For 2023, I now feel confident saying, there is really just one thing I am missing: love. I have everything else I would ever want, but I haven't been in love in 2022. It feels wrong to say 2022 was the best year of my life when it was one of the only years in my life I didn't so much as like anyone. I mean, I liked my friends a lot, a 2020 Waterford Chenin Blanc and being pretty wasted at almost every Berlin event this summer had to offer (and vicinity, thanks 9-Euro-Ticket). But love is important, and I want it. Not from those guys who overthink when to text, not those who think they have commitment issues (or don't think they do but do!) or those who need company to go to movies. I don't want company, I want a partner. Get a dog, people! And I am cool with this taking so long because what I am looking for is worth the wait. And if I find this kind of love in 2023, I have everything - and 34 is a bit early to peak, no? I joke... but I don't. I'm a happy gal with very little incentive to change anything about life. But I am willing and excited to see if there is a turn in my life I will look back to that makes this good time an even better one.

Then again, looks like the world might end, so if it does, I'm going out on a high...