Thursday, September 11, 2014

End Credits... once more!

The day has come...again! I turn away from Germany, hoping that this time it will be the last time. However, I have become thoroughly disillusioned with hopes and dreams and, cosequently, know I probably won't be that lucky. Over the last few years I earned a little bit of a reputation for being dramatic, and most of my readers will put this off as an over-dramatic attempt to hate on Germany one last time while in reality this is the most heartfelt entry I could imagine. To me it's not a dramatization of my feelings but how I seriously feel, and it actually affects me in the ways I will address now.

About three years ago I made a few life decisions that would guarantee my way to success. I worked harder than most people my entire life, maybe not sitting in the library, but on myself. I had to go through quite a bit of hardship when I was younger that I felt like I could achieve anything. My whole life I was convinced I am a strong person that would achieve extraordinary things. One decision I made about this time last year destroyed all of that. I only regret that decision because the alternative to the successful life I had planned has brought about the total opposite.

Never has a plan I made really worked out but I was okay with the outcome anyways. I cannot find any positives in turning down a phd offer I desperately wanted for years to become unemployed for months, living with my mother, and worst of all, empty inside. A very unqualified doctor I had spoken to for three minutes diagnosed me with depression a few years ago, and I know today that it was the most wrong diagnosis ever: I am not depressed! I am actually far from it. I am disappointed that I have worked so hard to make ALL my dreams come true and NONE of them actually do. Instead, the things I wanted in life least happened. Disappointment is not a condition, it's a reality!

While I am thankful I have the opportunity to go to Egypt it is about the last thing I wanted. Since my sister lives in Egypt I sometimes considered if I envy my sister at all for the life she is living, as we sometimes do. The answer was that I wouldn't trade with her if they paid me for it because I belong in a quiet, boring life that leaves me the air to breathe in order to write and think. In Cairo, air to breathe (without ruining your lungs) is a scarce good. I realized it's too early for me to pursue a house in the woods with nothing but a typewriter, and that I need to take this opportunity to stay young while I am on top of the fact that someone is actually willing to give me a job. I want to slow down but I just don't get to yet.

Since I am very aware of my feelings at all times and try to practice expressing them in writing it shouldn't be too hard for me to explain how I feel leaving Germany. Mostly, my sentiments have come out as bashing because I don't like very much about it. I have been fortunate enough to get the chance to leave a few times before, and everywhere I went I felt more belonging. Just because I know that Germany is killing my soul it's still hard to leave. Unfortunately, this boring, life-sucking place is and always will be home, and abandoning it for a place you vowed six years ago to never return to is not an easy feat.

Of course I don't want to continue the life I live. I love a lot of people here and the times I did have with them were awesome but they were so infrequent in the last year that they aren't really worth sticking around for. I'm just so mad that the life I'm living is calling for me to constantly meet, inverst and then leave people. I chose that life to begin with, thinking that I could choose when to stop it, too. Unfortunately, all I want is to stay somewhere. I tried so ridiculously hard to make that place Germany, both in employment and in my head, but I can't help but thinking it's just not meant to be. It's probably not Egypt for the rest of my life. As much as I want it to end, the quest is not over.

Some people might think this post is a performance but I am actually riding an even more emotional roller coaster right now than most days. Many people will read this not knowing me or not knowing me well. At the same time, future and past employers, friends and lovers will probably read it, too. 99% of all people though, unkonown or known, will not understand what this feels like. I don't have to be strong, and I realize I'm not right now. I am not unhappy. I am not depressed. I am not negative. I am not someone you can't trust around your kids or shouldn't employ. I'm merely a little bit lost and not used to being it. I hate nothing but I love little as well. That needs to change...

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

This week I was talking to a friend about what kind of wealth we would like in life. Obviously, everyone who finishes a Masters' degree has a component in their life plan that calls for a well-paid job. And for good reason: those babies are expensive to get, they should get its recipient a better salary. Sarah, my friend, expressed her desire to be able to live comfortably, with enough money to sometimes afford special goodies. That being said, only full on rich people are able to do that these days. I am probably ten years of full-time hard work away from having money at the end of the month and a debt-free life! I wouldn't have gone for an education in Political Science if I was chasing dollar though. In fact, money has never been part of my life and I still had more than most people...

I was one of the poorest kids in all of my circles growing up. I had no extravagant wishes and had a job, although only a small one, from the age of 13. Yet, most of my friends' families were well better off than my family was and I never cared. I wasn't bullied because I wasn't wearing the trendiest shoes, and most of the time I tried to dress differently on purpose. I never liked to be like everyone else, and everybody else was rich. When I had saved some money I bought myself a Bratz doll as I was collecting them. I didn't buy clothes, or shoes, or cigarettes. I might be wrong but I still think I was just another kid and to the general person my lack of fancy pants or shoes was not visibly offputting. Why a 14-year-old kid needs clothes that cost more than all of my week's groceries is beyond me.

Also, I have not lived a life of a poor person. I might look crap but I feel good. I never drank while I was a teenager because the money I made on jobs and other things was too valuable to spend on a drink. Instead of spending 40 bucks on a night out I put it in my travel bank. Once I had enough money for a flight I went there, stayed with locals for free or in rancid places and ate street food. I missed expensive sights but oh well, I'm not rich. I went to Kenya without doing a safari because it would have cost me more than to get there but hey, I was in Kenya, feeding starving children, hanging out at paradise beaches for no money at all. I was staying in a tent off the beach in Dinali and walked up the beach for ten minutes and crashed the hotels. I spent nothing but I lived, I really did...

So for me earning enough to "be able to afford something" is anything exceeding the money I was given so far. As I said, we didn't have much growing up. I studied entirely on a student loan so couldn't get in spending mode while studying. I then abandoned my PhD plans because I was tired of being poor and became unemployed, thus living on the dole. You could argue that a person of my backgrond cound't be prepared any better to be poor. Meanwhile, I will most likely get richer than most people because for me wealth is what might not be too much for some kids. I won't earn very much in Egypt (or ever!) but I'll be able to buy some salad, a couple of waters a day and a sahleb at the cafĂ© at night and that hasn't always been possible. Heck, if Germany hadn't provided for me for five years I would never have been able to do that...

My ambitions to become rich have never been a priority. Being dependent on the state for a few years now, having a lot of debt and increasing demands in lifestyle I sometimes wish I hadn't pursued my passion when I went to college and studied Engineering instead. I'd be miserable but I'd be rich. But then I'm thinking "Why would you be chasing the money, you have no idea what being rich is like" and how could I miss something I don't know. I am happy to be living a life in which money can't buy me anything because that kind of life hasn't let me down. Many people I know chose their education based on what kind of money comes flying in and I'm no expert in becoming happy but it sounds like that's not the right way. Maybe I'll retract this statement the next time I hit unemployment... but for now, I'm going to start collecting some cash!

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

It's what they call the leap of faith...

When I first heard I have a shot at a job in Egypt I was shocked. As I said before, out of all dreams I ever had living in Egypt wasn't one of them. I've been, and I've liked it, and the last time I was there and discussed with my sister to come stay for longer I obviously saw potential to not hate it but a defining moment I said "I want to go live in Egypt" has never occured. Needless to say, this sounds crazy! I said no to the USA last year because I didn't want to ride off and never see my family and friends again, and now I'm doing just that, only that I'm going to a country I never wanted to go to and not to the one I've planned to live in for decades. Yet again, I see no reason whatsoever why not to. I suppose it's a leap of faith.

I have always asked myself what that leap of faith is. They talk about it on the Bachelor a lot, and facebook features a lot of motivational pictures that center around this principle I have never really understood. So taking a leap of faith is just doing something you're not sure about and not thinking about the consequences. If that's what it is I have never taken a leap of faith. I have always made sure that everything I do is a great idea and that it can't come back to haunt me. Unsurprisingly, my life has not born a lot of fruits just yet. On the other hand, I have never fallen flat, at least not by my doing. Well, it looks like that way of living has offically come to an end...

Going to Egypt is not dangerous or scary but it is definitely new water. I couldn't possibly predict what's going to happen, even if I tried. The principal themes are set: I can do the job, I will like the job, I won't be shocked by the culture and I know what I'm getting myself into. But the whole thing could end up as an epic failure or the best idea of my life. I genuinely think it will turn out to be the latter but I can't say for sure at all. That's never happened. I have to start something 100% new without having any confirmation of security. However, it just doesn't feel like it's a bad idea. My feelings have been wrong so many times but I seem to be incapable of thinking that this leap of faith is the last thing I have up my sleeve.

I could not be more dissatisfied with life right now. I am a generally happy person, I tend to be positive where I can and I have enjoyed life to the best of my ability so far. Yet, Germany crushes me. I hate it's home, because I love home. But I don't love Germany. In fact, I hate it. I don't understand how people are happy to live here. I don't know what I will say about Egypt once I've lived there but the leap of faith is definitely not leaving home. If that was a leap of faith I would be a pro at it by now. The leap of faith is moving somewhere you never thought you would, and since you never gave it a thought you expect nothing. For me having no expectations is the best recipe for success and I truly hope I'm right. Only time will tell, so I am certain this won't be my last post on the matter...