Almost exactly a year ago, I watched the movie The Fault In Our Stars for the first time, assuming it was a comedy because I had heard so much about it. I don't have to re-read my blog I wrote that day to remember how utterly destroyed I felt after. Anyone who has seen that movie knows it's a lesson in sobbing and suffering, and even one year later the tears kept coming. But this time around, I really did watch a different movie, and the reason for that is not that I got accustomed to kids "biting it from cancer" but that I finally started to realize what the movie is about, and it's not a disease.
Last summer, the opening of the movie hit very close to home for me as Hazel was talking about being "depressed". 2014 Sina was not a good person: I was "severely depressed", according to one strange doctor, completely desperate, and even envied the protagonists of that movie although it's hard to admit that. I didn't particularly want to live, and I thought that having a short life with love was more valuable than whatever it was I was living. Triggered by m unemployment and complete unsuitability to live in Germany a cancer-ridden girl that was in love with a dying boy seemed somewhat fortunate to me because at least she did not have to go through her pains alone. I had never been in love, and didn't think I could be.
Just a few weeks after I saw the movie, I decided that this "depression" that never was one was done for, and everything had to change. With that decision, the way I would watch this movie would change as well. In Egypt, of course, I didn't have to face unemployment or the boredom of living in Germany. That's not what suddenly made me realize that The Fault In Our Stars was not primarily about cancer, but love. Living in Cairo, facing harder times than I could ever imagine and being challenged like never before, altered the way I looked at most things, but thanks to this experience I now no longer have to be jealous of the dying girl Hazel. I met my own Augustus Waters, and stopped having to be alone.
Actually falling in love changes the way I listen to music, read poetry and watch movies. When the movie suggests that some infinities are longer than others, and that some are just better than others, I can now call myself a lucky individual who knows exactly what that means. The time I was given in Cairo would have been nothing without the experience of loving and being loved by one very special person who exited my world quite recently although he's not dead. Even though he's not the one I'm gonna be with infinitely, he was one of the biggest blessings I ever received because I learned to not be made of stone. He won't be in my life anymore, but I feel fortunate for having had that time, just like Hazel and Gus in that ridiculous tear-jerker, and just can't believe how much that experience has changed my life.
Whatever is happening inside my heart right now would have been impossible last year. I watched that movie numerous times in the hopes that one day I'll be able to feel that way for a person even if I'm not dying, and today I know I can. Last year, I couldn't. With all the dying kids and overly cheesy displays of affection in The Fault In Our Stars, anyone would be hit right in the feels by this movie, but few people might ever really experience the feelings these kids were having, and that's not because not everybody has cancer. I'm not 17, I don't have cancer, and I don't want to quit living "this particular life" anymore, and I still know exactly what that movie is about: appreciating a life with love more, even if it's short, to a life full of time. I had my small infinity, and I will have another one!