Sunday, July 24, 2016

I'm Sick Of Everybody Knowing Me Better Than I Know Myself...

I always claim to know myself really well, and I stand by that. This year, however, I had to learn that other people seem to know me just as well, and in some instances even better. The amounts of time somebody told me last year "No, you will not leave Egypt!", and "Come on, your relationship is dead!" and I responded "No, you're wrong!" is mortifying! Because they weren't wrong. Weeks later I had to do some serious facepalming because I couldn't believe how ridiculous I had been for thinking I'd know better. In some cases, I just effing failed! If there was anyone wrong about my assessment skills it was only one person, and it's this girl *points at herself*.

Yes, yes, it's embarrassing to keep getting busted trying to fool people. Only that I never was. In these moments I am truly convinced I believe what I'm saying, only I shouldn't be. When I left Egypt last year I probably knew I'd be back, or I would have actually taken my things with me, but I was doing all my goodbyes and even planned to be moving to an entirely different country over the summer. I was taking all the necessary steps to fool myself into thinking Egypt was no more. Nobody was buying it though, and I shouldn't be surprised. One of my best friends told me I'd be back in Egypt in no time and would stay, and two months later I came back for a visit, got a high paying job right away, and that's exactly what happened. Apparently, all the "whatever, Sina"-people knew me better than I know myself, and it annoys me a hell of a lot...

I am not a transparent person to many, which puzzles me. I share almost everything I do on this blog or social media, articulate my feelings more often than most depressives and can't keep my own secret, yet few people have been able to really make a judgement on me that I actually thought fit. I refuse to believe this is because I either don't know myself at all or am one of these hard to read people. It doesn't take a genius to figure me out, and yet almost nobody ever bothered to do it. So in the end I am a mystery to people because they didn't try very hard. As a result, I have become wary of people "reading" me and am actually stunned when they do. Everyone likes to be mysterious, so I dislike when I'm not. Part of knowing myself though, I guess, means accepting I'm just not a g-d-mystery.

Last year I had a conversation with a very good friend of mine considering my behavior towards my ex-boyfriend. I tried to tell him that I felt like I sometimes deserved to be treated badly because I treated him badly, too. "You don't actually believe that, Sina", he said. Of course I didn't. I don't actually believe anyone deserves being treated badly, even if they suck. I was merely trying to fool people into thinking that my actions were coming from a place other than love, and only fools would be blind enough not to see that. Said friend then used his inception techniques on me and had me cut the guy out of my life and made me believe it was my idea. Self-assessment skills: failed! I cracked again mere weeks later, and dated said boy for another few months. Ouch!

It's embarrassing to consider how many times I dated someone because I thought I was "over the ex". Please, Sina! Nobody actually believed that. Yet, I did! And naturally, I was way off. I also successfully convinced myself I didn't like people I was clearly head over heels in love with. I even thought I'd found the "One" before with no rational reason leading me to believe that. Why am I doing that? It's pretty evident that my self-assessment skills that are on point in my professional game are lacking some serious magic when making romantic decisions. How do I not know what kind of feelings I have for some people? There are boys I've known for decades and still can't really decide if I like them as friends or lovers. Only thing sure is that once I crash and burn these relationships because I miscalculated, people are gonna come out and say "I told you so!".

This whole knowing oneself business is stressing me out. I like to say that part of one's strengths is knowing one's weaknesses, and when it comes to anything not related to the male human being I have impressive accuracy in knowing what I can and cannot do. I spent decades taking notes about myself only to be truly clueless about what to do or not when we're talking romance. Hell, I can't even successfully identify what I feel for people. I've regretted almost all of my break ups even when it was my decision to end things. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever actually followed through with my decision to break up (no, I do know: I didn't!). Consequently, disasters are in the making. I need to at least be able to figure myself out as much as people with no prior knowledge of me can. Or I could just start listening to people... 

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