Emotions in Sinas World: Have I Actually Become English?

Here they come, my first words of 2018. Of course, I write for a living, already wrote dozens of tiny stories for my job, but there I'm a robot, here I am me. Or whats left of me. Sina, the writer, has taken a beating. This blog used to reflect my every thought, all the small things I was feeling. Today, I have too many secrets I can't address in a blog or developed an apathy to most things that made me feel things. One year in England and I have stopped feeling, great! Sort of. By the end of 2017, I didn't even feel sad about bad things happening anymore. This week, I had to say a very hard goodbye and yet, I'm writing this without crying. In fact, I haven't cried about it yet. Or at all since, like, the day I found out he'd be leaving. Have the English actually stained my personality?

I can speak openly about my devastation about my last goodbye because the departed never reads this. One time he did, made fun of me although the post was about him in a way, and then forgot I sometimes do this. At the same time, he would mock me for the expressive way of my feelings because he is the epitome of English: he has no feelings or at least tries his hardest to make himself think that. If he does read one day, he will learn nothing new when seeing that he was my favorite colleague. It's a very well-kept secret...not! Whereas sometimes I have used my writing to express things to people I wasn't comfortable talking about, I'm happy this guy wouldn't be surprised reading this. He might be surprised about my emotional stability over him leaving though but since he's English and doesn't feel and all, nothing makes a difference...

From day one at Amazon, I knew Richard and I would be friends. On day two, approximately, I told him that. Three months later, he finally obliged after a period of pointless resistance. You could say I left no choice but only because I knew I was right. And as of the day he left England for good, he had become pretty important to me even outside the office. But enough about Richard and more about myself: losing an integral part of your life for almost a year would be hard for me even if it wasn't someone I liked as much. In November, a guy from the other side of the office left and I choked up. For two months, I knew Richard would be leaving, and obviously I wasn't happy, just happy for him. It was easier because I supported his plan to leave and was probably more excited about his new opportunity than he was (Richard doesn't get excited in my sense of the word) but I thought I'd die when he leaves. And then he left and I held it together... So not like me! 

This is big news because I cried for a large part of my life. Everything that ever happened to me, good or bad, I cry. I feel ten things at the same time, I reconsider my whole life and I write epic blogs I can't wait to reread when I have decided how to feel about the issues. All this has changed. Sure thing, I miss Richard, but maybe I have just said goodbye too much. I do feel sad, I really do dislike coming to a Richard-free office and I pure hated speaking to him while imagining he's upsdie down to me at the other side of the planet but yo, I'll get over it. I pout and all, but losses have usually cost me weeks of brainpower. Whatever im feeling about the situation isn't even worth a blog; the fact I don't feel it is the story. 

Maybe I'm growing up and stuff doesn't affect me as much anymore. It's one possibility. But maybe I have actually learned from the English. I'm even sitting here drinking tea right now, and when I'm not it's usually a Gin & Tonic. Maybe this bottling-up-business does work, too. Hell, I have probably been doing that for the majority of 2017. What I feel changes on the daily and whenever I think about it, I just dismiss my thoughts. That's very much what I was doing with Richard's departure as well: dismiss. And I still don't really accept it because I'll probably see him soon. All easy, right? No need to think or feel. Everything is awesome! So English, yet so true. I did know this all my life, just implementing was always impossible. Maybe now that "no emotion" is the only emotion I ever get surrounded with, it's finally possible for me to also leave the heart behind and just live...

The part I never got about the English and probably have to change my mind about is that "no emotion" is not a bad emotion. To me, when an English man I saw earlier in 2017 said he doesn't feel, I immediately considered that a bad trait. I thought he'd be cold, not feeling. And when I realized he wasn't cold but a lovely man, sorta, I thought the assessment he didn't feel must be a lie. That isn't true. Suppressing feelings, controlling them, or not acknowledging them does not mean there are no feelings; it's just a way of handling them I for one have never tried. Right now, I am doing that and it's working, about a few things in life. I have some other things on my mind but  the devastating departure of my favorite  colleague and I just don't address them successfully. That ain't me, yo. In fact, I'm amazed I can do it. I doubt I'll ever manage to be cold. But I've only been in England for a year, who knows, next thing I know, I might actually start laughing about their jokes, too.