I've had almost a week in the sun with nothing but my thoughts, waiting for original thought. I read one book about English humor, spoke to many friends about Egyptian culture and revisited my childhood with my sister. Very clearly, I came here to reflect not to look forward. Totally involuntarily, I came back to the topic of the decade and realized that despite thinking about it for the best part of the last decade, I actually missed volumes. That topic is sexual assault, gender equality and a whole load of fucking injustice. "Wait a minute", you may say, "you DIDN'T think about this, Sina?" It is what I talked about for years, being one of the loudest voices pro-feminism in my circles, and yet I missed so much. While I watched #MeToo as an onlooker, thinking there was nothing new for me to be learned, I was ignorant, once again. It took until today for me to see...
I entered a restaurant at my hotel in Sharm El Sheikh tonight. Within two minutes at the place, the waiter had asked me if I have a boyfriend, two had catcalled me and all of them had stared at me. I think by now we have all agreed that this behavior sucks and needs to stop. I always saw it, I always felt annoyed by it, and I didn't need #MeToo to find the courage to criticize it and demand change. There is the obvious shit like that, and there is the other kind, the worse one because it's so hard to fight: the unconscious superiority, the inherited privilege that as a man coercion and exploitation is an easy feat some might not even know they are possessing. When I love someone, I work for them or need anything from them, they have power. And they do not realize they are using it.
I'm months late to the party but I genuinely only realized three days ago that I had #MeToo stories I never wanted to share. Many, actually. I am worse than most of the women that shared so far; they actually realized they had something to share. I didn't. I thought I'm definitely not scared to share anything, I was just nose-deep in motherfucking oppression to even realize I had men take advantage of me. And now I see: I am scared. This is private. And although I shouldn't be embarrassed, I am! But that's what I do, overcome what I'm scared of. In recent history, I was disrespected by men I had sex with plenty, and I mean plenty. And here I am, colloquially telling a public audience including past and present employers, workmates and family members, that me having sex with men had consequences that are very private. But I realize this is the world we now live in; a world in which my personal experience with sexual assault is not a matter I manage behind closed doors but that is part of my personality that doesn't need to be hidden.
I could talk about many experiences. I've been hurt by people I slept with a lot. It's what happens when you like someone and they have the power to hurt you. Someone you sleep with, you don't ignore the next day. Not cool. But there are many weird stories, too. I had a guy I crashed with one night film me in the morning, while I was fully dressed, never even touched him. Countless guys said to me about other girls they slept with that they are "stupid" or shit in bed. Or, a nice favorite from someone I was actually sort of in love with, I am gross because of some bodily fluids that I can't stop from flowing. Nice! Well done, men! But I'm not here to be the feminist blame bomb, not all women are great, and I can understand the argument that I probably didn't make the mistake of sleeping with men but sleeping with assholes. Just because Azis Anzari is one, doesn't mean they all are.
My most violated experiences actually come from my relationships. People who loved me. So here we are: they probably never meant for me to get hurt. But I got hurt big time. In recent history, I cut ties with a guy who I know cared about me for a long time but not to the extent where I was able to leave a room after sleeping with him without feeling like I was nothing but an ends to a mean. I had feelings for the man that he knew of and boom, I'm the target! It's very easy to coerce a woman into sleeping with you if you make her feel like she is wrong for not wanting to. I can't blame him for being selfish when it was that easy to get away with it. Oh, no, wait, I CAN! Just because I'm a flipping idiot, I believe, a man could opt for the right way, that is, not use me. This is really hard to admit but, of course, I was stupid. I could have said no. But I was under the impression until just a few days ago, that is, that to keep him, I'd have to. And he played with that.
And then there are the times I said no. The tough one. The one that is hard to admit because it came from someone I loved, who loved me. Someone I believed didn't want to accept the no out of love. I'm a smart woman and don't eat mens' shit very often but one can't claim I've experienced a lot of love in my life. So for me to please the people I love, sexually or not, is a toxic environment. Someone who loves me deserves to be loved back, right? You can see where I went wrong. A very hard to admit example of this is a man I loved ignoring my "no", abusing me emotionally and verbally for attempting to say no until my no became a yes. Out of guilt. And that happened to me. ME! I think those who know me would be surprised because I'm strong and I stand up for myself. And that's how I know that we have a problem: Because I am all these things, and if it happened to me, it can happen to anyone.
Love doesn't make this better. I have tried to excuse men being abusive to me by finding the fault within myself, as women do. It's completely incorrect to do that and it took me 30 years to figure out. Unfortunately, I came to see that I come from an upbringing that, subconsciously, taught me to be like that. My childhood and family could have done a better job at empowering me to be anything but a habitat for a fetus. I can take people I don't care about me hurting me very well but when I actually care, these human beings are in the prime position to exploit me. And many men have for the sake of their sexual pleasure. Being strong and courageous didn't spare me that experience, it just obviously prevented this blog. That shall now be over, along with me excusing that behavior. Just as much as men have to change their thinking, I do: To discover self-worth, I clearly haven't understood myself that a woman is worth just as much as a man is.
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