In March 2002, I was on a ski trip with my extended family. It’s funny how you remember certain things from childhood, and not others. One of the memories from that trip is taking a hot shower after a full day of skiing, and how blissful it felt to have those cold feet thaw, the muscles relaxing and a cup of hot chocolate waiting in the living room after. One of the most vivid memories, however, was from that Sunday. It was Oscar Sunday, Whoopi Goldberg was hosting, and as I was a big fan of films and there was no school on Monday, I decided to stay up and watch the whole thing. There was something about the Academy Awards that I found very appealing. I didn’t know what that was then, but this year, I believe I realized what it was.
Sina, age 13, did not really speak English. I watched Whoopi Goldberg crack jokes on something; as in, I knew what the joke was about, but not what the joke was. She said the word “actually” a lot which I didn’t understand and couldn’t look up because I wouldn’t know how to spell it (“achshully”? “ackshelly?”). Then, I watched a few people win awards and thanking people, none of whom I’d ever heard of before (everyone seemed to be thanking a man called Weinstein but who was he?). It is a wonderful memory because I remember not knowing. We don’t really remember when life started to make sense or a certain skill was actually learned, but what I remember from that night alone in the living room in Zermatt is not knowing Hollywood, not knowing English - and not knowing achievement.
On Sunday, as I watched the Oscars Red Carpet for the first time in years, I realized how I was no longer seeing fame and pretty dresses, but people who came to be adored. Sure, they dress up and they pretend, and the whole Spiel is foreign and ridiculous to me just like to any other person. But in the moment they win, it is NOT about the dress, it is NOT about who they know. These things are important to the attendees but mostly, because most of them will lose that night. The winners, however, get one moment, 45 seconds, that they will remember for the rest of their life. Not because of their dress or because of who was in the room; because it is likely the biggest acknowledgment of their craft they will ever get. It is that knowledge that makes me have goosebumps every time I watch someone go up that stage.
It was none other but Lady Gaga who made me see that the reason I enjoy watching these people win an accolade is being a witness of an individual being recognized, seen, acknowledged. “It’s not about winning”, she said in her acceptance speech, but about "not giving up". It’s such a good feeling getting an A for a test you studied hard for, right? Now, imagine working on a dream for your entire life, putting everything you have in it, and being told “Get to F***” more often than not. You’re used to feeling like a failure because everyone thinks you are. It is a dream, acting. Or making movies. Or being creative in any way, shape of form. People think that’s a waste of time. And then suddenly, for some reason, you find yourself on a stage, the whole world watching, because the best in your craft believe that your persistence was worth THEIR time.
In my life, there was also much of that. I've tried exceptionally hard my entire life and when something good happens, I do usually feel like I deserve it (as much as anyone deserves anything which I generally think is a ridiculous concept). For most of my childhood I dreamed about winning an Oscar myself because it was the only time I had seen acknowledgement to this extent. Today, I know acknowledgement is what I'm after, not the Oscar. I want to be recognized by my peers as being the best in my trade. For that, of course, I will have to become the best first. But when the day comes, and not if, I will remember those who got me there. And if I have any say in the how it will happen, I will most likely wear Chanel.
Sina, age 13, did not really speak English. I watched Whoopi Goldberg crack jokes on something; as in, I knew what the joke was about, but not what the joke was. She said the word “actually” a lot which I didn’t understand and couldn’t look up because I wouldn’t know how to spell it (“achshully”? “ackshelly?”). Then, I watched a few people win awards and thanking people, none of whom I’d ever heard of before (everyone seemed to be thanking a man called Weinstein but who was he?). It is a wonderful memory because I remember not knowing. We don’t really remember when life started to make sense or a certain skill was actually learned, but what I remember from that night alone in the living room in Zermatt is not knowing Hollywood, not knowing English - and not knowing achievement.
On Sunday, as I watched the Oscars Red Carpet for the first time in years, I realized how I was no longer seeing fame and pretty dresses, but people who came to be adored. Sure, they dress up and they pretend, and the whole Spiel is foreign and ridiculous to me just like to any other person. But in the moment they win, it is NOT about the dress, it is NOT about who they know. These things are important to the attendees but mostly, because most of them will lose that night. The winners, however, get one moment, 45 seconds, that they will remember for the rest of their life. Not because of their dress or because of who was in the room; because it is likely the biggest acknowledgment of their craft they will ever get. It is that knowledge that makes me have goosebumps every time I watch someone go up that stage.
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| Me at the Kodak Theater in 2009 |
In my life, there was also much of that. I've tried exceptionally hard my entire life and when something good happens, I do usually feel like I deserve it (as much as anyone deserves anything which I generally think is a ridiculous concept). For most of my childhood I dreamed about winning an Oscar myself because it was the only time I had seen acknowledgement to this extent. Today, I know acknowledgement is what I'm after, not the Oscar. I want to be recognized by my peers as being the best in my trade. For that, of course, I will have to become the best first. But when the day comes, and not if, I will remember those who got me there. And if I have any say in the how it will happen, I will most likely wear Chanel.
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