Monday, June 22, 2015

A Door Has To Close Before The Next One Can Open

The "end" is everywhere: all foreign folks are packing their bags to leave Egypt, even if only for the summer or Ramadan, classes are done and all couples are breaking up. The "end" of everything dominates my life and of those around me, and as a writer you can't help but to think about it all the time. I can't even stress enough how I'm a good old pro at saying goodbye to everything in my life, whether voluntarily or by force, and it never gets easier. This whole "one door closes, another one opens"-business has been the theme of my life. I would like to take this opportunity to curse that fact. Yes, it's true: all our unemployed, lost, single selfs are far from lost; life will get so much better; we will find jobs, partners and friends ten times better than what we had before; but the "end" never ceases to kick you in the face...

How do you look forward to the future when you are constantly saying goodbye to your past? That's right, you don't. My entire life has increasingly got better except for that time I closed the door on my undergraduate degree because I had finished it but who expects life to get better doing nothing but studying your passion a few hours a day and otherwise drinking and having fun. Still, every time I close a door behind me I'm not exactly slamming it happily. Yeah yeah yeah, I am 100% finding a better man than the one I just left but just because you know there's bigger fish out there the smaller fish are still lovely. And sure, any place I go after Egypt is an upgrade but it was still home for a while. Knowing the future is bright doesn't make the past dark, and so closing the door on it is hard.

I am surrounded by failing relationships right now and very few of them are failing for the wrong reasons. Whatever I hear, it makes sense for me these couples are no longer together, including me and my ex. Sometimes it's the distance, sometimes it's a wrong balance of who likes who more and sometimes one or both partners are just dicks. I say the same to all of them: "Move on!" I think everybody knows I'm right. Yet, I'm also a hypocrite since I've only been closing the door on my own relationship (that shouldn't be hard to slam at all) slowly although another door will be hard to open as long as that one's not shut. The mistake that too many people make is very evident and relationships are just the easiest way to illustrate: people don't close their f*cking doors.

My own life serves as the worst example right now. Ok, I have a lot of doors to other guys' bedrooms open in front of me but I'm lacking desire to enter and stay there. And if I saw a definite door leading to another country my Egyptian door would also probably not be so hard to close. However, I am convinced that these opportunities depend on us. There's a reason people say you don't get over your ex until you find another person. Or should I have said you can't close your door on the old until the new door is there to open? You can't expect a future opportunity to arise before you dis-attach yourself from the past. When is the last time you yourself decided to say "stop" to something without knowing what will happen after?

I know this works though. Let's look at my various moves across borders and oceans. I am currently closing the door to Egypt without anyone definitely offering me a new one to open. The fact is that as long as this door remains open, another one can't be. I can't simultaneously benefit from Egypt while having the opportunity to conquer another country in the way I did Egypt. My job door needed to be closed without another one looming earlier this year and once I did, I suddenly had ten new doors I was never aware of. I also have absolutely no ambitions for another lover, especially not in the short time I have left in this country, but my old door is almost shut so whenever the new door presents itself I am able to open it.

Of course sometimes the new things make getting over the past easier. All the time, actually. The problem with that is that people wait for that to happen, and it might not be. When the present leads nowhere, make it the past, and the future will follow. There is no way the future won't come, whether you want it or not. In one month time, I will have to have a plan for my future and me sitting in this gorgeous Cairo library, writing about Egypt and potentially running into my ex-boyfriend will stop, and I can't wait for it although it's not a bad life at all. I need to close that door before the next one opens because I'm hoping for more than all this. Time to slam it and see what other doors open...

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