Thursday, October 19, 2017

#Metoo: What it means and what we can do

Incredible to think that it took me until now to have all the words ready to comment on #metoo. The truth is, I don't think I will be able to. A series of words can't possibly express the emotions that are connected to potentially life-changing events. This issue certainly changed my life. And when I say change, I don't mean the good kind that is connected to progress. I would not have lived the life I did if I was a man and how could I ever find words to describe the scope of such an emotional and heartbreaking reality. It's like talking about love: most of us feel it but only in art we sometimes get to express it. Could a file or word describe life? In the end, what is a picture, a poem or a blog going to say to make us understand love? A life of discrimination and being and feeling blamed for the shortcomings of a man just feels... bad! And so I can say: #metoo.

I have never shut up about the sexual harassment I have experienced. It didn't take the campaign for me to talk about it. What's new is that I now realize that what I had intended to just be criticism that could make things better, I was very often vilified. Behind my back I also believe there is a lot of thinking along the lines of "well, you asked for it, didn't you?". Nobody needs to tell me that's not ok. I know men would think that because why not? No human being likes to be wrong and reflecting on whether who we are is who we should be is an ability I haven't seen in many human beings in my life. What's scarier to me is my own understanding that I need to please a man. That he is better than me. He can do some things that I can't. And yes, I got that bad even though my daily actions don't mirror this sentiment. And I am not one of those people that can't self-reflect. I know it's incorrect. But since I'm alone in my reflection I know this thinking is there with not just a few, but a lot of women.

Sexual harassment and assault comes from one individual feeling superior to another. Throw in a little bit of disrespect and it's almost impossible not to experience it, whether as a victim or perpetrator. If as a man you have the chance to undermine a woman, and you have that chance a lot, you do it because you will easily get away with it. The question is what "getting away with it" entails. And for the first instance that is not the police or the man's family and friends, it's his victim. How many women believe it's their fault? How many women are paralyzed with the certainty that none of their actions will make a difference at all because they never have? Whose fault is that? On this day, the perpetrator of a sexual crime gets away with it because an entire society has had his victim believe that there is nothing she can do about it. Not on the small, not on the large scale. I never agreed, beating almost every guy that ever groped me or disrespected me. And even I, a self-proclaimed fighter, have felt taken advantage of sooooo many times. All of those times, including right now, I feel like I can't do anything about it.

For me, #metoo is about something else. Next to the obvious benefit of pointing out how big of a problem this stuff is, I was hoping that it makes women wake up. We don't talk about it, even amongst each other. Of course I've been told to not take crap from guys but I do it every day. With a movement like this, maybe we can start with ourselves and, like, stop doing that. It has actually empowered me to change the course on one of my relationships with a man. One I care about, yet one that deeply disrespected me. Hearing Amanpour say I should stop excusing why a man treats me the way he does makes me see. Even out of genuine care, I want to at least call out how disrespected I feel. It shouldn't matter if I can understand it or not and frankly I shouldn't need to understand. We're all our own person and to have respect for each other is a basic miss we see everywhere. When it happens between a man and a woman though the scope is much higher, the hurt a little deeper and the work we need to do a little tougher.

So what is it that needs to happen? Jail more men? Send them on workshops? Change our TV programming? Yo, it's so much more basic than that. It starts with the victim: stop being silent. Then we go to the people who have done wrong (and that's all of us. All of us!): Reflect. Everyone can change and the version of you that exists now is NOT the best you can be. If you make a mistake, repent. Apologize. Be strong and don't run. Apologize for God's sake. Acknowledge you made a mistake, it happens. And then, just like in school, stop making the mistake. You only fell from your bike so many times before you learned how to ride it. Why would learning how to be a respectful human being be any different? In fact, it fucking shouldn't be. You don't have time to learn, you need to know that right away. But men already know it; they just need to stop getting away with breaking the rules. So as much as I'd like to say #metoo is about empowering women, it's also making their lack of being a bitch when one needs to be painfully obvious. While we're at it, stop calling people bitches. I'm a bitch and I like it. Bitch meaning I do not take crap. So far, in society that attitude was not very popular. I don't care how we get to a society that believes that's a good thing but we have to. Men and women...

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