Monday, October 20, 2014

Learning the hard way...

This week I unfortunatley had to witness more break ups. Throughout my life I was the single girl surrounded by all my friends in relationships. Now that has changed as a huge number of my friends have recently ended their relationships. For me it is important to give my friends the right advice in such a crucial time and usually I would refer to my own experiences to find the right words. Since I don't have much experience with break ups though because most of mine were a relief or predictable I can't really do that. Surprisingly, however, all my friends decided to approach their break ups in the same way, and I don't need to be an expert to know that their way was wrong. I might not have dumped a lot of guys but I know I probably shouldn't be seeing them anymore once it is done. I have made many experiences in my life where taking the plunge was a good idea, and in break ups it definitely would be, too. So it turns out I really do have the right words...

Let's have going for a swim as the easiest example. If your goal is to be swimming in a cold ocean you may want to refrain from slowly walking into the water. Just jump! Well, that's not what my friends are doing. They broke up with their partners and should be trying to get used to not seeing them anymore. Before you know it, they will be meeting for coffee frequently in order to at least "stay friends" (which is impossible) and sooner or later they will hook up, resetting any progress that was made so far. If the aim was to actually get over the relationship the equivalent to just jumping in the cold water would be to just cut the ex out. Of course that's harder but it's also way more effective and less time consuming. Once in the cold water it might be a big shock but it immediately gets better after because the decision to jump is the biggest one that had to be made. Whether the decision is a break up or a jump into cold water it is best made when we forget about comfort and stop fearing the pain.

Feeling the pain once and with force seems to be the best way out of it. How many times have we heard of people bottling up their feelings until they found a forceful way out? I myself had a lot of experiences where a quick and clean cut was super painful but it immediately gave me the chance to start the recovery. If we drag problems out because we don't seem ready to face them we're torturing ourselves. The moment the ex walks out should be the moment the recovery begins. It will hurt to go from seeing them all the time to never but at least it can get easier every day that way without serendipitous meanings, as we would perceive them, setting us back to square one. The goal needs to be clearly defined, and as long as the goal is an "uncoupling" I fail to see how going for coffee, watching movies, calling every day and in many cases way worse things could be beneficial to reaching that goal.

I recently made the decision to change my life. I knew I could either try to do it in the course of a few months and stay in Europe, desperately trying harder and harder to make it work for me or just not to fear the ice cold water and make one very painful jump. I woke up on September 11, being miserable in Germany and by the end of the day I was living in Egypt, being even more miserable. Man, did I feel shit. It was the most horrendous experience of my life and the only thing that made me stick it out is that I knew that this relatively quick pain would much sooner lead me to the result I wanted, and that was a completely new life. Now, almost six weeks later, nothing is left of my old life and I am happy I made the plunge. Eradicating my old life slowly but surely would have caused the same amount of pain but would have been dragged out a lot longer. Pain demands to be felt, no matter for how long. I would personally prefer to get it over with one big crappy time though. 

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