One
of my biggest frustrations with religions always were buried convictions that
have no grounds. For many years I thought committing suicide would get me a one
way ticket to hell. Funnily enough it was Robin Williams movie "What
Dreams May Come" that had me scared that I would not be admitted to heaven
if I was ever to end my life myself. Robin Williams was a religious man himself
and he still decided to end it. There will never be a cell in my body that is
able to condemn his actions. I do, however, condemn those who accuse Williams
of unforgivable sin. I didn't know him or his condition and I can only imagine to be in so
much pain that every hope of it ever vanishing again has ceased to exist. Clearly
suicide wasn't a likely decision to make. It is not our right to assess
anyone's decision. I don't want anyone to give up ever but I'm not surprised
they do. If there's a God I would like to believe He does too.
Seeing
the scene in which Mr Keating is urging his students to "seize the
day" makes me feel uncomfortable because I realize it's Keating's own
advice that Williams couldn't take anymore. How many times have I been
encouraged to be positive, seize the day or make my dreams come true and was unable
to do all that. Only young boys like Neil Perry and Knox Overstreet would maybe
get inspired by such words but someone affected by depression would be burdened
by them more than anointed. I don't have to be depressed to know that the
advice to seize the day is a popular, however, utterly unrealistic one. When
someone is depressed such stereotypical blablas are pressuring. I feel a hundred times worse after I speak
to people about my problems and they tell me to be positive. Obviously I have
tried that. Carpe Diem is a farce!
Back
in the day I was the only one in my class to defend Neil's choice to end his
life. I don't condone suicide but I felt for the kid and saw why he felt he had
no other choice. He knew how to make himself happy but knew he would never be
given the chance to do it. He wasn't looking at a few weeks of misery but a lifetime of achieving his father's ambitions he wanted
nothing to do with. On the night of his suicide he knew that the best was
behind him and he would be looking at a life that was leading him downhill. Strangely,
I can see Williams thinking similar sentiments on Sunday night. Someone said to
me this week "I'm not scared of death, living is much scarier." I
suppose not all of us are strong enough to do it. If only admitting weakness
was accepted in our world at least we could try to be ourselves and possibly be helped.
I
can relate to problems that don't seem to be resolvable anymore. The way I look
at it is that nothing is permanent, the good and the bad, because I was on the
very bottom before and managed to get right back to the top again. However, the
last few months I have come dangerously close to the bottom again. I am not
depressed, I do not have a condition and I'm certain because I know what they look
like. Still, it is very tempting to give up when all that's thrown into your
path is stones. It sounds so awful being the funny man to the entire world and
just feeling lonely and dark inside. Surely, he could have gotten better and
suicide is not a strong way to handle situations but I suppose that's part of
depression, not being able to handle situations. I therefore hope he is
forgiven if it's wrong what he did in a divine context but I mainly hope he
finally found peace.
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