Sunday, March 27, 2016

Am I A Dragon Or Are People Wusses?

I'm the last person that doesn't admit that I sometimes overreact. It's not nice to know that but it's all part of my freakish desire to know myself inside out. And for that, one has to accept strengths and weaknesses. Yes, I am on the short temper side, when I get mad I freak out for two minutes rather than steadily arguing and I make irrational decisions that have seldom benefited anyone, including myself. But this week I found out that I'm "scary". My lover asked me if he could leave some stuff at my house, then reconsidered because he was scared I would set it on fire if we had a fight. I know, what? Bringing this chat to a group of friends they admitted that all of them, and some more people, are indeed "scared of" me. I cannot believe it. Am I that much of a bitch?

The answer is simple: NO! In an effort that comes far too late to make people realize I'm a kitten inside I can only defend myself by explaining how it comes to those "scary" moments. I'm reasonably patient and can discuss soberly for a long time. In fact, I love discussions and I tend to not be scary in them. When confronted with an intense amount of bullshit, however, I cannot guarantee I can keep that face. These examples of incredible bullshit include finding out about my ex-boyfriend's villainous coping mechanisms after our break up or my ridiculous roommate trying to evict me. The point is: I don't start setting clothes on fire when someone says I look fat. But when presented with arguments such as "Donald Trump needs to win the election so he can detain all Muslims" I lose myself, no guarantees.

As a result, I do admit I understand that some people might find me a bit frightening. At the same time, the only ones that really should be are my partners. Said "I'm scared you'll set my pants on fire (not in a good way)"-man isn't too wrong about anticipating a chain reaction in my head that could, in rare occasions, lead to a blackout. If I had a dime for every time I said "That's it, I'm done!", then started to purr again no two minutes later, my lovers wouldn't have to take me to dinner anymore. These impulses, however, tend to only really come out with people I have feelings for. I really can't pretend I don't have a scary quality for my ex-lovers. Three of them were apparently too scared to even confront me for a break up. This kind of stuff happens once maybe, but three out of my four "ex-boyfriends" opted to just stop calling. That's right, either I'm a dragon people are too scared to even face after a fight to end a relationship or I tend to surround myself with pussies.

This brings up a new angle because I might be too much of a bitch to admit I'm that dragon but I also have a hard time believing I am. My latest "victims" really weren't blessed with  normal portion of balls. I was told my roommate who evicted me was scared of me so much so that he didn't even tell me when to move out. And when someone is too scared to have a break up conversation and instead just decides to say nothing I can't help but to question whether I'm the dragon or they're just a little bit pathetic. Asked after why my exes didn't just call and said "yo, I think we should not see each other anymore" they told me they didn't want to break up but didn't know what to say. Even better was the excuse claiming they had "thought [I] broke up with [them]!" This is ridiculous in every sense of the word and might have potential to bring the dragon out. But bottom line is I'm not always the dragon, some wusses just can't take no heat.

So yes, I do admit I fight pretty fiercely but I would dare say whoever's actually scared of me needs to grow a pair. On top of that, I am also capable of being overly nice, and you may also ask my ex-lovers about that. So I guess dealing with someone a little bit short-tempered and prone to impulsive freak outs comes with the territory of dating me or involving me in a political discussion. As long as people stay away from doing that, I am pretty sure, they will never encounter that dragon. And even then, a chick yelling can't be so intimidating people get scared of her, right? I don't think so. I will continue to improve my temper, trying to breathe in and out deeply when I encounter right-wing politicians and people who are clearly trying to do me wrong. And if the result of being scary is that people are too scared to talk to me I'm okay with that. That just doesn't sound like a loss...

No comments:

Post a Comment