Tuesday, March 1, 2016

An Oscar? No, Thanks


At age 12, unable to really speak any English, wondering what that word "actually" meant Whoopi Goldberg used so much, I stayed up all night to watch the Oscars. I loved movies, in fact, I wanted to be in them or make them myself. At 16, I wrote myself a letter in which I miraculously explained why I wanted to be an actress. If you think about it, the fact I WROTE about why I wanted to be an actress and director should have told me there and then that if I was ever going to be an Oscar recipient it would have been for Best Original Screenplay. Watching the Oscars this year, I realize I was never going to be an actress. But I do kind of still want to win an Oscar...

Why do people want to become famous movie stars? I personally can't think of anything worse. I could live with the money, that would certainly not suck. And the clothes and food would be cool , too, I guess. However, being famous sounds terrible. When I was watching the carpet this year I could not believe some of these people actually enjoyed talking about who made that dress. In all the topics of this planet I would be interested in, none of them made it. I was waiting during the entire telecast for somebody to say anything of value, and it took until Leo finally rocked up to claim the stage and urge us all to "not take our planet for granted" for something other than boredom to be conveyed. If I think about sitting through that entire ceremony without Candy Crush Saga, I cringe. I was not tailored to sit in a pool of out-of-touch celebrities that use a one minute opportunity to speak to one billion people to thank their stylists or God. What a waste...

And why do people like to act? I get how it would be fun if I had any talent, and I am in no position to judge as my form of expression is even more obnoxious than pretending to be someone else. I actually realized that I could never be an actor because I am incapable of not being myself. I'm the most expressive, impulsive and annoying person I know, and for me to play a princess or a calm and collected politician is not very credible at all. If I was trying to win an Oscar by acting I suppose the only shot I would have is if it was in a movie about myself in which I would be playing the lead role. Other than that my talent for acting, I'm afraid, would never get me there. Also, I'm not cute enough to be rich and famous and certainly don't know enough sucking up techniques to make friends in Hollywood.

Also, why don't people just write? I get that I'm a bit biased here, but it seems to be so much cooler to be winning an Oscar for writing or creating than being someone else. Costume design or art direction, that to me is the true art. The cream of all the Oscars to me, of course, is the one for writers. I would love to write a movie. I would love to see real people act out what I made with my fingers and mind. And I wouldn't even have to worry about that pesky fame, still get a big fat check and the opportunity to thank a bunch of people in front of the whole world who nobody has ever met and could get wasted at the after party without worrying about paparazzi,

I still have many dreams, but my childhood one still kind of exists: I would love to win an Oscar! Other people dream of retiring in Barbados, others want to open a restaurant, and I want to have enough time in my career to write a book or two, maybe make one of them a play or a movie, and one day win an Oscar for it. Then again, as awesome as that would be, I have at least 50 dreams I would rather come true before that one, one of them being the movie I write being a commercial success because I'd rather have lots of money than recognition from an academy I don't give a crap about, and not in the Leo DiCaprio way. So look out for me, my friends, on my way to the Oscar stage. But if you want to pray for me, pray that I will become a famous writer first, and I swear I'll mention you in my acceptance speech... and God, of course... 

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