I haven't always been the way I am now about relationships. When I was younger I quite enjoyed people's jealousy that I was with the guy I was with or if people thought a cool guy liked me. Back in the day association with certain people actually meant something to me. Today it's the total opposite. I somehow enjoy that nobody knows what's up with me. When people see me with my boyfriend, or a friend they didn't think I had, they will be surprised and wonder about me. The few times I had a boyfriend not too many people knew about it because I didn't need them to know. Also I don't need for people to know who my best friends are and how much they mean to me because, frankly, the only one who should know is them. I'm pretty confident people are completely speechless about me, the Barbie, being close with a hairy Irish hippie every day! If there was public ways of expressing feelings towards the people I love I'm not sure I'd take them because if everybody watches how will my loved ones know I'm doing it for them and not to show off on my wonderful relationships?
In that way I'm just not the right person for our May tradition. If my hunky, bearded lumberjack boyfriend would cut a tree for me I'd be turned on because it sounds pretty hot. I'd also be flattered if he would put this effort into showing me what he feels. Flattery is not what I'm looking for in my relationships though. I've had a lot of guys showing big efforts and gestures but none of them made me feel it. But I'd rather feel it. I'm not against PDA, I just don't understand why people need to showcase their relationships. I don't mean an occasional peck, or picture, or post; I mean bribery to receive a tree on the first of May so that the world can see that girl is not alone. The only person I care about not feeling alone is me. If the world thinks I am but I'm not I'm very ok with that. A boy I want to be with should prevent me from feeling alone. If he wants a big gesture he can buy me food, I like curries! A tree with ribbons will make me feel as special as a box of chocolates will... not at all!
I can identify with superficiality because I haven't always felt this easy about this. I might never have wanted a tree on the first of May but I cannot deny that last year, when things ended with some guy I was seeing, the reasons for my annoyance were rather ridiculous in retrospect. The true reason the end itched was that I realized he was a wanted guy and for a while he wanted me which felt good. My friends who met him loved him and I felt pretty good about being the girl that was with a guy that's loved by everyone. I enjoyed thinking that people would be impressed by my choice. On a personal level we were not going to work out, starting at long distance and age. Because he was so loved though I started to think he would be too good to let go. I did so because of people's perceptions. I was upset because he seemed to be everybody's dream man and I had him for a while. Now I mean zero disrespect, I still think he's awesome and I did really like him but I do think I wasn't in it for entirely the right reason.
That's changed now. Drastically. I need no trees, or link on facebook, or big gestures to be happy with someone. To be honest I never needed that. I enjoy people don't know why I like the people around me and why we love each other. If my boyfriend was super ugly I'd say they'd have even more reason to be jealous because it's obvious it's not some kind of infatuated mingling. Valentine's Day, Anniversaries, a tree on the first of May or any of these things that are making singles feel bad since the beginning of time are therefore by no means measurements for relationships. I'd prefer a kiss or a hug I didn't ask for any day. Because only those who love me would ever do that.