Tuesday, January 21, 2014

The Bachelor Juan Pablo is looking for love... I don't thinks so!

I don't even consider the Bachelor a guilty pleasure. Since I'm the most unromantic person alive I suppose it's normal I try to make up for it watching cheesy TV and stuff. After all I'm just as pathetic as these girls: I want to find love, I want to marry a hot ass soccer player to be the father of my children and those dates don't look half bad either. Juan Pablo, however, is not there for that. I don't buy it for a second. He's no Sean Lowe and he won't be marrying one of these chicks, I can guarantee it! As hot as he is, he's not working for this show. He's not some good-looking dweeb but that's the guys you want to marry... I have a bad feeling about this!!!

So they have the first Latino Bachelor ever and they're celebrating the fact he's muy caliente and so exotic. Then they pick a girl like Cassandra to be on the show. What? When I saw Cassandra moving her butt when she was dancing in JP's living room I was shocked because she is hella boring. She's the kind of person you can rule out to win the show now, at this stage. She keeps stressing how she hasn't felt this way for three years, so since she was eight-freaking-teen. Honey, don't meet a potential future husband on TV when you're 21, especially when his name is Juan Pablo and he is there for the money not your love. Did Cassandra hear about this thing they call "normal dating"? It's not to late...

And here comes the group date! I knew these girls were gonna make a fool out of themselves when I heard that soccer was involved. At this stage of the show I always wonder what guys like about girls getting so ridiculously competitive. That Andi chick is so off-putting on the field and making out with Juan Pablo in the kitchen. Andi, why would you pride yourself at jumping at the chance to have your first kiss with the man of your dreams in an abandoned fast food kitchen? It's not a good idea, darling, think about it. Now Nikki did it right. No kiss, no hassle and no clich├ęs. It wasn't time yet. Keep 'em keen, Nikki, way to go! A calculated game that always works. And besides knowing that Nikki is going to at least make the top 3 the first time I saw her she just knows what she's doing. When's the last time you slept with a guy on the first date and he called you after, Andi? Crucial mistake! And Sharleen's kiss was never gonna get a rose, that was terrifying!

Moving on to Chelsie's date. I love these dates where they act like it's necessary to jump off a bridge together in order to build a relationship. Chelsie apparently realized she could trust Juan Pablo and THAT'S why she jumped. I don't really get it because I love my mom and I trust her with everything but I'd never let her organize my bungee jump. I'd probably die. I think Chelsie owes that one to abc, not Juan Pablo. She was focusing on the jump so much she didn't realize Juan Pablo was trying to kiss her for like the entire hour she was contemplating the jump, turning her head away from him at any given chance. And after she miraculously received a rose after dinner a country band abc could afford starts playing and look at that, Chelsie is in fact not asleep but she is dancing all of a sudden. Why would a country band be a good idea for Juan Pablo? It's so wrong. He says he's a good dancer and producers give him that? No wonder he looked ridiculous. At least Chelsie liked it...

When I saw the pool party I was confirmed in what I've thought since the first time I saw Juan Pablo: JP is suuuch a ladies man and there's no way he's there to get hitched. To be honest, he's way too fine for one woman, he will never be that kinda guy. It's too easy for him to just please all women and getting away with it being the hottest guy on earth. Why else would you have a pool party? You want to see some boobies. But wait, they're all having fun, but we need some drama. Ah, here we go. Lights, Camera, Action, Clair. I can't even start to talk about how ridiculous her behavior is. She dreams at night of how Juan Pablo cancels the show because he already found the love of his life in her. How super annoying! I think she might be at the wrong address if she doesn't want to share her man.

How this show continues to be entertaining is beyond me. It's the complete same every year with the exception of this year's bachelor not being able to speak English as well. I know I watch it because I'm pathetic and want to watch other people make out if I can't do it myself, especially if one of them's called Juan Pablo Galavis. This was the third episode and I think we can all agree on the winner being one of 4 possibilities right now. The only time someone emerged as a favorite past the third episode was Catherine last year and I think they're trying to do the same again right now. Nikki gets no air time but she will go at least to the dream dates because no sane guy would pass up on the chance to see her naked. I'll be watching all of it...

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