Sunday, March 16, 2014

Germans: a great people I have little in common with!

This weekend was different than the other ones because we went away. We spent a very short but fun two days at the coast in Holland in a little bungalow. Who knew that only two hours away they have little villages that literally look like some huge hand would appear in the sky and we all found out it's the hand of a child, the houses are made of plastic and we're all puppets. It was beautiful to see that there are places, like these villages, where life is still alright, and quiet, and peaceful. Lately, I have not had that feeling at all in my own life. In part it is because of my far from ideal living situation right now. But on top of that, I know that I was right the past 20 years of my life in thinking that Germany just isn't the place for me and that is now back to haunt me with force.

I am lucky to be living so close to the border so that whenever my actual heritage gets on my nerves I get to escape it within seconds. I can't even explain how different it feels to me just being one minute to the West of my house because that's where I cross the border. Although there is no sign suggesting you just entered a new state the changes are visibly there: the houses look different, the streets have different names and groceries are a lot more expensive. However, what actually makes the difference big time is that you actually see happy people sometimes. Or someone smiling. Or someone you have never seen before says hi to you in the streets. Hell, you see friendly people! The absence of such things usually means one thing: you're in Germany!

I love Germany. It's my home and I'm proud of it. Germany is one kick-ass country! On the other hand, I have never in my life been able to imagine a future here. I have tried to persuade myself numerous times because Germany is the best country in possibly the entire world to live in and it would make a lot of sense for me to stay here forever. As much as I'd love that, I don't see it happening in the slightest. Good healthcare, great schools, a high standard of living and cheap rents unfortunately don't make a place liveable to me. I want to live somewhere I FEEL good, surrounded by people that increase the quality of my life and not spoil it. I'd like to be able to pick up vibes that do not rhyme with "regativity" and "koredom". That seems to be impossible around here...

There is nothing wrong with being German; having your entire life planned out, not accepting any spontaneous or adventurous changes, minding your own business and being your own personal Jesus is a completely legitimate layout for anyone's life. I don't judge those who live a German lifestyle because I'm sure it's a good one. The only thing I know is that I want to be as far away from it as possible. That ain't me, sir! Being a good German sounds absolutely crap. I'll tell you exactly what it means to me: being monotone, boring, negative and close-minded. Adjectives that are not valued in Germany are unique, different or interesting. Unfortunately I'd quite like to be unique, different or interesting. As a result, although I think I'm doing quite well in life, I doubt I would ever get recognition in Germany for the person I am because there is no demand for me. 

As an illustration we have my experiments with hair color. I dyed my hair pink and purple before. Not because I am a junkie but because I like pink and purple hair. That is all, believe it or not, Germany! There is no way denying I looked freaking awesome, the hair was so pretty. And for those who don't think colorful hair is pretty it must still have looked hella cool. In Scotland, there was hardly a soul that didn't compliment me on the hair. In Germany, I was stared at, frowned upon and avoided because, to Germans, people with colorful hair must collectively be drug addicts. At least that's how it felt. Even if Scots didn't like my hair color I wouldn't receive a different treatment after I stood out from the crowd visually. In Germany having a pink sweater would probably be enough to make one stand out because everybody looks the freaking same!!!! What's worse, everyone thinks the same, too! So lame...

Where are my people with some stories? People that are happy to talk about themselves in a good way and share what life means to them? Is it some kind of secret? No, I basically think that Germans haven't really discovered what life is yet. I wish they'd be less concerned with performance and more with fulfilment. Everybody in Germany is chasing, nobody is enjoying. If what I see on a daily basis is a fulfiled, happy and positive life to them I have no chance to ever become like them. The life most people around me live would never be enough for me. Few of them have the money problems I have, almost none of them had to face what I faced in their equally long lives and I still prefer my life. I embrace individuality and appreciate people for who they are, and not what I want them to be. While I am very sure that many Germans would describe themselves as similar my experience is that there is indeed no demand for individuality and that makes exposing who you really are extremely difficult. 

As much as I'd love for my children to benefit from Germany's great schools, safety and wealth I want my kids to grow up to become unique individuals who are not afraid to be what they are whether they are gay, are obsessed with piercings or simply love being fat. Most Germans are tolerant and would never act in a demeaning way but what happens in their hearts at the same time? I want the society I live in to treat my children well AND love them the way they are. What good is it being tolerated but not loved? I don't want to be tolerated. I want people to praise the little bit of individuality I have and appreciate my expression of it. Those Germans who agree with that tend to have left. Looks like I might have to follow them...

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