Blogging is a lot harder once you started working. I have only been back at my job for a week but already realize that the stories in my head are muted by the job that allows minimal creative expression. Sure, it’s fun and it’s much better than being bored at home all day but what could happen that would be worth blogging about? While my colleague talking about getting new garden gnomes and people refusing to work is pretty funny to me it would admittedly make a terrible read for everyone who’s never met them. As a result the only thing that’s been on my mind is how to stay fit while having a profession that requires minimal physical activity and not falling asleep on my worksite. At the same time I’m busy with something other than boredom so I have less time to think about how screwed I am outside of this office. All that is actually really awesome!
And that’s what this one is going to be about! Many people say keeping busy is a good thing because it doesn’t give you the chance to think about being miserable. And it’s true! I wake up in the morning and think “SHIIIIIT, life still sucks” but then I have to abandon that thought right away and start worrying about possibly missing the bus or being late for work. When I’m at work I still don’t like my current life all that much but I’m around people and can’t frown around either my colleagues or the customers. So even if I wanted to be miserable there is no opportunity to be. Last week I had 24 hours a day to think about the past, the present and the future and how each of them has failed to give me a perspective that would make me like my current life a little bit more. Now the off time I do have is passionately devoted to doing as little as possible, preferably lounge and do nothing!
One of my best friends in Dundee back in the day suffered from severe depression. After uni she got a pretty horrible job that paid badly but she always told me that she is still a hundred times happier than before. This comes as a surprise to most people who think being a student is the ultimate fulfilment because one has more free time than any human being would need but still a purpose (and an overdraft). That might have been exactly my friend’s problem. Why? Because now she is so busy with that horrendous job she has less time to think about how life isn’t at all what she hoped it would be. It’s more about coming home from work, eating whatever’s convenient, having a glass of wine, relaxing and then going to bed to do it all over again the next day. There isn’t a lot of room for feelings of despair, hopelessness and loneliness in a busy schedule, even if the job sucks.
At my job it’s a bit better because I actually enjoy my colleagues and get to speak to a number of people every day unlike last week when the only person I’d occasionally talk to was my mother. However, this job is far from what I hoped I’d be doing now. In September when I left the office and was asked to return this month I said “let’s hope I can’t come back because I found a great job instead.” This job is fine but I don’t want a fine job. As I said in my last blog happiness doesn’t have to derive from a profession, however, I want it to. If I was going to do this job for years I have a hard time believing that my personal life could make up for the fact I am 100%ly unfulfilled in this occupation. For now it makes me happy because it’s better than the unemployed boredom of last week. Happiness to me would be doing something that completes me, and managing a database and different types of forms is not it.
So for now this job is a total blessing. Any other time, however, when months of unemployment wouldn’t precede it I’d be furious. I have to take this job for what it is: a bridge to better things. Then I can enjoy it and swallow the feeling of being underwhelmed. The blessing is that I could equally still be looking for a job, have a lot less money and learn nothing at the same time. At least here I am keeping busy, not thinking about my stressful reality and learning a few things. And, more importantly, I’m too occupied to constantly stress out about how I am a 25-year-old Master alumnus who’s been struggling to get a job and move out of her mother’s house. I keep hoping that by the time this job ends I will have an actual career but who knows. At least I won’t be bored for 2 months…