Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Beard = Man

Tarzan would get it!
I’m not kidding when I’m saying the universe has guided me to write this blog post. In fact, it’s long overdue that I write about beards as it’s about the best thing I can think of in the world. Last night I had a dream of a bearded man who then shaved and turned out to be my ex, underlining my constant, subconscious debate with the matter. Next, my friend Martin who’s well familiar with my passion for beards posted a picture of Disney Princes with beards on my facebook page which unsurprisingly stunned me. And finally, even my colleague started talking about his aging beard. It must be that my mere presence prompts people to talk about beards because my aura gives away an excessive amount of enthusiasm for beards. That aura has also been successful in hindering about every ex-boyfriend I have to stop shaving once they were with me and fortunately for me those studs were all able to grow a beard worth stroking. Additionally, me and a couple of friends founded the “Beard Society” at university for all those with a beard (or a fetish) and lovingly refer to ourselves as the Founding Fathers. It goes without saying that I probably have a rather unnatural interest in beards.

A bearded man is just much more attractive. However, I am a scientist and do like to back up statements with fact, and fortunately many, many intelligent people before me have dedicated valuable time to find the scientific explanation why the heck bearded guys are just so much better looking. Just this morning my newspaper of trust headlined that a bearded man among shaved men appears especially attractive to other people as a study conducted at University of New South Was “revealed”. Can I sincerely ask who is surprised? Scientifically I find it very easy to explain why women dig beards. A beard equals masculinity, masculinity equals protection, and protection equals sexappeal. Who would disagree that a masculine man is sexy? Actually, let me take that back because seeing all these “metrosexual” guys running around these days there must be quite the demand for men looking like they could equally perform at the Mickey Mouse Club. Having said that, even some Mickey Mouse Club performers look manlier than Zac Efron.
Not every man is gifted with the ability to grow a beard although close to every man looks better with one. I am personally very impressed when I see a beautiful example and cannot help to consider that person more of a man than a clean-shaven guy. For me it is what makes the difference between boy and man as age certainly does not do that for me, my dating history is living proof. It is less of a social construct than a biological instinct to be attracted to guys that look like men because one would assume they make babies faster or have an animalistic side which cannot be considered a bad thing. The example of Earth’s most beautiful creature, James Franco, shows pretty impressively what a beard can do. James Franco is always a very good-looking individual but before his bearded days he looked like the High School actor he was. Thanks to some decent facial hair he’s become a respected actor… and model! Point made! Jared Leto used to look like a boy group member. Apparently letting the hairs of his body do their thing was all it took for him to become a rock star which is unquestionably the much manlier profession.
But I don’t even need celebrity examples. My life's given me plenty of beard stories worth sharing. My past romantic interests are some serious hotties, and all of them liked me enough to do me the favor of keeping their facial hair around for me. When I broke up with one of my ex-boyfriends I realized he knew it was over when I saw he had shaved. That had not happened while I had a say in this. Immediately after our first date his razor had magically disappeared. The day after I kissed another one for the first time he shaved and I suddenly realized I had kissed a child. Thankfully, by our next encounter the beard was back, therefore mending my pedophile anxiety and his beautiful face. Although said stud was three years my junior that beard made him look old enough, at least for me! I’d love to say I’m exaggerating but it seems that for a guy to be considered a man by me all it really takes is to rock a beard. For the sake of this argument I am going to forget about the other things all guys should pay attention to when trying to be attractive. All that matters right now is that shaving a beard is never a good idea. And finally I want to reach out to every guy out there who has not realized that the trend of the 21st century is leading to a bearded world and say: Toss them razors, boys!

1 comment:

  1. vermutlich warst du eh die erste, die es erfahren hat, aber "peak beard". wie traurig.